Tuesday, August 19, 2014

2 month summer sabbatical in Greece

Inspiration comes in odd hours.

I've been really lost in my own memories these past months, and suddenly I got this urge to write.
Maybe because the temperature tonight is chilly and I love it, I don't know why tonight.

I'm in Athens again for the summer.
I quit my job in June for many reasons. One part of me feels kinda weird about it, but the rest of me feels great about it.
I've been doing physiotherapy for my back problems & aches and I'm feeling a lot better health-wise, which I though impossible, and yet :)

Truth is every time I come back, it's like my mind explodes in 800 thoughts and feelings and questions.
How do I feel now, and why? Do I like it here, and why? Do I wanna come back, and why? Is that even an option? Should I? Yes or no and why?
Questions I'm not even sure I should have been asking myself get asked automatically. Damn. That's the gift of being me.

I wanted to do a hundred things since July. I had to study, I had to read, etc etc etc and yet I find myself completely unwilling do one even one bloody thing. My To Do list can burn in hell for all I care. Yes.
It's far better to daydream and get lost in my memories, and the odors of the garden and my neighborhood than to do anything remotely similar to what I do in London.

I'm not sure if I can even describe it. I'm in my parents car, going somewhere, and all I can do is look out the window and reminiscence. Places I knew so well are completely different. The city moves on whether I'm here or not. Expected. The feelings of loneliness this creates, not expected.

I know that memories can't get recreated, but I sorta wanted to "continue" them, if that makes any sense. But I see that I can't because what was there then, is not there anymore. That is gone, and so are my chances of feeling less cut-out from my previous life.
People are different, my relationships are different (usually distant or non-existent for more people than I'd like to count) and basically I feel like I moved to London 30 years ago, instead of 3.

Distance. So much distance. So convenient for people to move on, and you far far behind.

Song of tonight "Love it to die", from Warpaint.