It's been a month and a half since my last post here. So much for my pledge to write once a week. Ha!
Life has been absolutely CRAZY.
Since February I've been working at for a Council here in London (don't want to say which), at a day centre for the elderly. Full time. It's insane.
In February in general I had a hard time, with interviews (or not!) going on, and general stress of failure, etc. Normal stuff, lol.
Problem is, it's almost a month now that I've been working there, and even though in the beginning it felt like the most challenging thing I'd ever done, now I feel like I've gotten used to it. Which feels absurd to me.
Sometimes I got sad and depressed looking at those old people, so sick, so unable to do anything, many of them can't even speak or communicate at all. I used to think that if I ever end up like this, I don't want to live anymore. Not like this. It's so awful, an lonely.
I can't describe it with words. Only the people that have worked in such environments can understand this, I think. For everyone else, it's so strange, so foreign.
I started with care and sadness, and in one month, I have managed to not feel anything. How did this even happen? Like I'm going through the motions, but I'm not really there. Is my brain doing this? To protect me?
I have no idea. Weirdest thing, I hear my colleagues talking about our clients at the centre, and telling me this and that, and in their words there is so much interest and care about the elderly, and I can't help it but wonder, do they really care this much, or is it just a front? because if they show that they don't care, they'll be replaced by someone else. So bizarre that I'm thinking this.
And all this time, through the good and the bad, and the very bad (diarrhea, urinary infections, spit, etc) I find myself tackling this with a very different frame of mind.
Why don't I care that much anymore?
I feel so guilty about this. I went into psychology because I was interested into how people acted & thought. I wanted to explore the human brain. I wanted to know everything about everything.
And now, while feeding people who cannot communicate with words anymore, I find myself not thinking anything.
I'm not thinking that I hate this, I'm not thinking that I want to be somewhere else, I'm not thinking that I wish someone else was doing this instead of me.
I'm not thinking at all. My mind is completely blank. No good thoughts, no bad thoughts.
This emptiness swallows the rest of my thoughts and feelings. It leaves me dead, like a barren field. And I don't know what to do about that.