Tuesday, August 19, 2014

2 month summer sabbatical in Greece

Inspiration comes in odd hours.

I've been really lost in my own memories these past months, and suddenly I got this urge to write.
Maybe because the temperature tonight is chilly and I love it, I don't know why tonight.

I'm in Athens again for the summer.
I quit my job in June for many reasons. One part of me feels kinda weird about it, but the rest of me feels great about it.
I've been doing physiotherapy for my back problems & aches and I'm feeling a lot better health-wise, which I though impossible, and yet :)

Truth is every time I come back, it's like my mind explodes in 800 thoughts and feelings and questions.
How do I feel now, and why? Do I like it here, and why? Do I wanna come back, and why? Is that even an option? Should I? Yes or no and why?
Questions I'm not even sure I should have been asking myself get asked automatically. Damn. That's the gift of being me.

I wanted to do a hundred things since July. I had to study, I had to read, etc etc etc and yet I find myself completely unwilling do one even one bloody thing. My To Do list can burn in hell for all I care. Yes.
It's far better to daydream and get lost in my memories, and the odors of the garden and my neighborhood than to do anything remotely similar to what I do in London.

I'm not sure if I can even describe it. I'm in my parents car, going somewhere, and all I can do is look out the window and reminiscence. Places I knew so well are completely different. The city moves on whether I'm here or not. Expected. The feelings of loneliness this creates, not expected.

I know that memories can't get recreated, but I sorta wanted to "continue" them, if that makes any sense. But I see that I can't because what was there then, is not there anymore. That is gone, and so are my chances of feeling less cut-out from my previous life.
People are different, my relationships are different (usually distant or non-existent for more people than I'd like to count) and basically I feel like I moved to London 30 years ago, instead of 3.

Distance. So much distance. So convenient for people to move on, and you far far behind.

Song of tonight "Love it to die", from Warpaint.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Life update and question about Vlogging!!!!!!!!

Hello dear readers,

I haven't updated my blog in a while. I've been crazy busy with work and so tired, that I've lost the will to do pretty much anything anymore.

A quick update: I had a very nice Easter holiday, my boyfriend visited me and we spent 3 lovely weeks together in London, visiting exciting places, exhibitions and museums and all the cool stuff we wanted to see. This includes watching The Amazing Spiderman 2.
It was very nice having him here, and now that he's gone I'm finding it difficult to go back to my routines.

Anyway, on the subject of work now, I'm really fed up with that place, I think I've learned all that I could from there (it's not exactly rocket science) and I want to move on. They want me to stay until the end of summer, but I won't. My back is in a lot of pain, and I've been taking too many painkillers per week to just get through each day, that I'm getting very worried. I'm going to phone my GP on Monday and book an appointment as soon as I can get one urgently, and see what the hell is up with my back.

That is it, more or less, my life has been extremely uneventful since I got this job. Which had it's ups and downs (more downs than anything else though). And now I just want to move on. Being a support worker can't be forever.

A quick question I have for you guys, would you be interested into watching Vlogs from me here, along with the regular blog post?? Because I've been thinking of vlogging but I'm a bit camera shy, so I wanted to see if people would like that, so I can get the motivation to overcome my camera-shyness. Please let me know in the comments!!! :)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

My work and my problems. Why do I have to be so weird.

It's been a month and a half since my last post here. So much for my pledge to write once a week. Ha!

Life has been absolutely CRAZY.

Since February I've been working at for a Council here in London (don't want to say which), at a day centre for the elderly. Full time. It's insane.

In February in general I had a hard time, with interviews (or not!) going on, and general stress of failure, etc. Normal stuff, lol.

Problem is, it's almost a month now that I've been working there, and even though in the beginning it felt like the most challenging thing I'd ever done, now I feel like I've gotten used to it. Which feels absurd to me.

Sometimes I got sad and depressed looking at those old people, so sick, so unable to do anything, many of them can't even speak or communicate at all. I used to think that if I ever end up like this, I don't want to live anymore. Not like this. It's so awful, an lonely.
I can't describe it with words. Only the people that have worked in such environments can understand this, I think. For everyone else, it's so strange, so foreign.

I started with care and sadness, and in one month, I have managed to not feel anything. How did this even happen? Like I'm going through the motions, but I'm not really there. Is my brain doing this? To protect me?
I have no idea.  Weirdest thing, I hear my colleagues talking about our clients at the centre, and telling me this and that, and in their words there is so much interest and care about the elderly, and I can't help it but wonder, do they really care this much, or is it just a front? because if they show that they don't care, they'll be replaced by someone else.  So bizarre that I'm thinking this.

And all this time, through the good and the bad, and the very bad (diarrhea, urinary infections, spit, etc) I find myself tackling this with a very different frame of mind.

Why don't I care that much anymore?
I feel so guilty about this. I went into psychology because I was interested into how people acted & thought. I wanted to explore the human brain. I wanted to know everything about everything.

And now, while feeding people who cannot communicate with words anymore, I find myself not thinking anything.
I'm not thinking that I hate this, I'm not thinking that I want to be somewhere else, I'm not thinking that I wish someone else was doing this instead of me.
I'm not thinking at all. My mind is completely blank. No good thoughts, no bad thoughts.
Just emptiness.

This emptiness swallows the rest of my thoughts and feelings. It leaves me dead, like a barren field. And I don't know what to do about that.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

2014, new year's resolutions and new stuff in general. Also, brownies!

Dear readers,

I'm sorry for not posting anything since December. I wanted to, but life gets in the way some times. It seems I need to find another way of organizing myself because clearly this one is not working well :p

Ok, let's start from where I left off in my previous post;

I went home for the holidays (for about 2 weeks) and I had a great time. As you remember, I was really stressed and intimidated, but last minute decided that I should go, without any expectations, and just see what happens.
It turned out that without planning, things move a lot smother for me!
I had Christmas eve dinner with my family and boyfriend, and it was a lot of fun. We also had Christmas day lunch all together too, and it was really cool. The food was amazing; my mom and my uncle and his fiancee where the ones that did the cooking, and everything was delicious!!!
This is one thing I really love about going home; mom's cooking ^_^
The whole thing just felt so homey and familiar and just plain perfect. Everyone was in a good mood (that was unexpected, haha) and it was 2 lovely days in a row.
The only sad thing during my vacation was that I caught the flu or something, and I was sick for a few days on my second week. Nothing extreme, just sneezing, coughing, a little bit of fever, and a horrible stomach ache. LOL. Because what's a vacation without a cold?
But it all went great, and that's what's important at the end of the day.

I spent a lot of time home, which is what I wanted originally. Cuddling with my cat, on my sofa.
Ah, the good old days. I miss that.
For my birthday I decided last minute to have lunch at T.G.I Fridays, LOL, with 3 of my best friends and we had kinda of a girls day out, which was so much fun!!! And then for dinner, I had made reservations in a beautiful posh restaurant on top of a big hotel, for my boyfriend and me. The food was fantastic, and in the end I realized that I had drunk almost 1 bottle of wine by myself. Well it was my birthday, so why the hell not?!?! :D lovely.

Basically that's about it. Holidays were great this time. I am feeling blessed for having such wonderful people in my life. Even if they are far away now. Most people can't enjoy the things I enjoy, so I am grateful for what I have.

This year also I decided to make a list of resolutions.
Now, generally I don't like New Year's Resolutions, as a thing, because I believe it's kinda silly to expect change from one day to the next, just like that. People need more than just one day, to change and keep those changes! Usually by February most people have given up.

But I decided to try it out this year.
My new year's resolutions are as follows:

1) Every time I go out with friends, etc (not work related),  I will make an effort with my outfit and my makeup, and I will goth myself up, (as I used to do exactly before I moved to England). To remind myself of who I am.

2) I will remember the positive things in my life, instead of nagging for the bad ones, or the problems, and I will be grateful for what I have- that other people on this earth may not have.

3) I will be a better person, I will try and rectify my attitude, towards the people really close to me and I will try to be more the person that I want to be instead of the person that I am.    

That's it, for now I think. I may add something to the list later on, we'll see. It depends on whether I think of something else that's important.

I have changed a lot this past year, and I'm really proud of myself and my progress as a person and where I've come, so this is why my list may seem a bit short. It's because I feel that I have accomplished a lot already.

Now the part about brownies,
I tried Betty Crocker's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Mix today! it was my first attempt ever at making brownies, so we'll see how they're gonna taste, I hope they'll be eatable :P

that's it for today, I know this was a long post, but I had a lot to catch up to!!!

I'll try and update my blog again and this time I'll pledge to doing so once a week!!!
Hopefully that'll keep me on a schedule!!

Oh, I've also started watching Lost Girl....
I'm not a huge fan of the leading actress though, I think she's ruining the whole damn show.
Anyway, more on that on the next post!! :D