Wednesday, October 16, 2013

100th post!! Wow, really?!

I never thought I'd make it to 100 posts!
This is a big surprise, for everyone I think!!

I have about an hour before I need to leave the house, so I thought I'd write something here, since the day is foggy and so damp, dark, and goth. (lol).

I wanted to do something special for my 100 posts celebration, but... life happened :/ I haven't been feeling well, as a matter of fact these past few days I've been feeling like shit. Yeah I know, big surprise there. No, actually I mean more than usual. (is that even possible? LOL. It seems that it is).
I have many things I want to write, and nothing, at the same time.

I woke up today trying to suppress a panic attack.
I feel like drowning again, in my own life.

I kinda feel angry and desperate. I feel cheated from life.
For the past 9 months I have been working as a housekeeper/cleaner, for a family here in London.
They are really good people, and I enjoy working there, as much as anyone can enjoy cleaning someone else's toilet. Yeah.
Yesterday I started working for another member of that family, that lives nearby, because they needed a cleaner too. As we were talking casually, before I started working, they told me that they were stressed to be on time before I arrived at their house at noon, because they were out doing chores, but another member of the family told them there is not need to be stressed to come back in time, since I'm never on time anyway.
Ah. That kinda struck me as terribly rude. But I didn't say anything other that I wanted to give them time today to come back without having to worry if I was kept waiting, so that's why I arrived at 12:20, instead of 12. They didn't say it to offend me, it was quite clear that it slipped out and was meant to be a nasty comment.
But it did hurt me. In the 9 months that I've been working for them, I have never caused them any troubles with being or not being on time. Usually when I'm there working, they are not even at home. And I leave before they get back. I'm never in the way, and I haven't had any complaints. At the end of the day, the person that made that comment, is never at home when I'm there working anyway, SO WTF??!?!?!?

9 months of scrubbing their toilet, and folding their underwear and doing their laundry, and washing their dirty dishes, working when they are not at home so I'm not in the way, and this is the thanks I get.
Yeah, I speak 3 languages, I have 2 degrees, etc etc etc, and I can't get a job in my field, and I have to be a cleaner because that's all I got right now, that and Jobseeker's Allowance, (oh the excitement), and that is the thanks I get.

Well thank you Life.
No, really, thanks.
For bringing me to a foreign country, for letting me spend years and years, and so much money and stress, to study to become something better, to have a better future, and instead clean toilets, and have these awesome comments told behind my back. For 8 pounds per hour.

Guess what, I woke up panicking, because I have an appointment at Job Center in the afternoon. To be treated once again like the scum of the earth, by the employees there. Anyone living in the UK knows what I'm talking about.
If that is not sad, I don't know what is.

So my 100th post is angry and sad and desperate. Because that's how my life is right now.
Bloody suffocating.
I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just stuck. I can't progress, and my "career" is a distant blurry dream.

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