Well the first few days were really really nice, here back home.
And now everyday is just weird. Every hour I spend alone at home, which was what I originally wanted, it feels like a vast emptiness and pain swallowing me.
Why, you ask? Why did your fun time at home suddenly is awful?
Memories, good & bad, mostly bad. My house at first feels so nice, but it's only the sweet nostalgia. Then, the bad memories find a way to creep back in my head. And then it's almost unbearable.
I feel like I need to escape from my own self. My own past, my own mistakes.
Mistakes I keep on making until now. My mistakes seem to be endless. They don't go away with age, they don't change as people come and go from my life.
I know nothing is perfect, but it's just sad.
I understand this whole post must seem kinda ranty, random, and probably it doesn't make much sense.
So let me try to make it more clear,
I'm in a horrible mood.
I feel so tired, psychologically.
When I'm alone in this house, I can almost see the ghosts of the people that have gone in and out of my life for the past 6 years.
I basically re-live the bad moments of those past 6 years, and even more so, I keep feeling that my mistakes have a way of coming back and repeating themselves.
It's 6 am. I haven't slept all night. I had a fight. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't escape really, there is nowhere to go :/ I wish I could erase all my past, and with it, all the good & bad moments.
I wish I could erase myself along with everything else.
I am so tired of everything. I never thought that this could turn so bad.
Last week, when I came home, it was like the most beautiful dream.
And now I can't be here anymore.
Now I want to disappear.
Erasing everything as I go.
Everyone that was ever in my life, in the past and in the present, I want them to be erased as well.