Tuesday, July 9, 2013

When your dream becomes your nightmare.

Well the first few days were really really nice, here back home.
And now everyday is just weird. Every hour I spend alone at home, which was what I originally wanted, it feels like a vast emptiness and pain swallowing me.

Why, you ask? Why did your fun time at home suddenly is awful?
Memories, good & bad, mostly bad. My house at first feels so nice, but it's only the sweet nostalgia. Then, the bad memories find a way to creep back in my head. And then it's almost unbearable.
I feel like I need to escape from my own self. My own past, my own mistakes.
Mistakes I keep on making until now. My mistakes seem to be endless. They don't go away with age, they don't change as people come and go from my life.
I know nothing is perfect, but it's just sad.

I understand this whole post must seem kinda ranty, random, and probably it doesn't make much sense.

So let me try to make it more clear,

I'm in a horrible mood.
I feel so tired, psychologically.
When I'm alone in this house, I can almost see the ghosts of the people that have gone in and out of my life for the past 6 years.
I basically re-live the bad moments of those past 6 years, and even more so, I keep feeling that my mistakes have a way of coming back and repeating themselves.

It's 6 am. I haven't slept all night. I had a fight. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't escape really, there is nowhere to go :/ I wish I could erase all my past, and with it, all the good & bad moments.
I wish I could erase myself along with everything else.

I am so tired of everything. I never thought that this could turn so bad.
Last week, when I came home, it was like the most beautiful dream.
And now I can't be here anymore.
Now I want to disappear.
Erasing everything as I go.
Everyone that was ever in my life, in the past and in the present, I want them to be erased as well.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Summer vacation time :)

So I'm back in Athens, since last Wednesday.
It has been awesome. The weather is warm, but not too hot (when you don't stay out in the sun in midday), and usually there is a nice cool breeze that makes me feel I'm in a dream... Since my house is large, and we have a garden as well (front and back), it's a very pleasant change, from the tight space I live in, in London. Which can be claustrophobic at times. Now I can just hang out in my balcony, drinking beer (or diet coke) and chill xD  Ah, my favorite!!

In other news, (which I may not have mentioned before) I'm still waiting to be cleared to volunteer with a charity. The role is for a female mentor for ex offender women. Which is awesome. Still waiting though. I think during next week, they should contact me again with my clearance.
I'm on vacation, but I can postpone the date that I start.

Now about vacation, I can't get enough ^_^
I'm thinking I want to stay like this forever. I now it's not possible, but I love it :(