Sunday, March 17, 2013

Trying to find answers without knowing the questions

This is how I feel these days.
Like I'm constantly doing something wrong in my life, and I feel trapped one way or the other, and I'm trying to find answers, but without knowing the questions, or not having specific questions.

Why do I feel trapped in my own skin? in my own life.
Why do I feel like I'm missing something something? Am I missing something? What am I missing?

Quite recently I found a new job, in a store that I always liked and admired.
However, I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel that I like being a sales assistant.
I don't know what is wrong with me. People would kill for my job.
And yet I feel out of sorts. Everywhere I go and no matter what I do, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I can't shake that feeling.
Everyday it becomes stronger.
First I was exited, but that lasted only a little while. And then this creepy feeling came along. I can't even describe it.
It's just sad. Nothing makes me happy.
I don't achieve anything and I'm not happy.
I achieve things, and I'm not happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me??? what do I need? What can't I feel happy, ever?

I feel so tired, and so trapped :(

I want to see the sea again, I wish I could walk on the beach :(
I want to go home again, I want to stay quiet and not speak for days...
I am so tired, all I want to do is cry without making  a sound.

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