Saturday, February 23, 2013

Soul searching, strange thoughts and multiple voices in my head

It's strange how sometimes life throws something at you and it makes you think really hard about who you are.
That being said, I've done some thinking tonight.

I was on Skype with the boyfriend and we had a conversation about our future life, and stuff; and I asked him if he has thought about what his priorities would be in the future (when we live together-that future). Like, if there would be time in his life for me, and "us". Kinda of a weird question, right? But I have seen so many couples screw up, get lost in the daily routines, and make other priorities much stronger that their relationships, and lose sight of what they had, and break up. And I would hate it if that happened to us. So, hence the weird questions.
He started talking about Tim Hendricks, a tattoo artist (if anyone watched NY ink, you know who that is) that lived kinda like a drifter, going all around the world and tattooing.
The bf and I, we've been watching NY ink last Easter, and so he made the comparison between him and Tim. He said "Tim was moving from country to country, tattooing everywhere and made a name for himself, and now that he is like 40, has finally settled down. But he's like 40 now. I won't travel around, I'll be in one place".
Although that was nice to hear, that he wanted to settle down with me somewhere, later that night, I thought about it.
People are free spirits, should they be tied down to one place?
I am not one of those people that live like a gypsy  with one suitcase packed all the time, going from one place to another, just like that, for the excitement and the new things. I have a few friends that do this, and I know a lot more people that do this. I think it's not who I am though. I was the most difficult thing I ever did, moving to London from Athens, and that is just one place!! Although sometimes I think about going someplace else, I don't know how well I deal with change.  I think I don't really deal with it well :/

The thoughts that came to mind, are plenty.

  • Who am I really????
  • And what do I really want in life???
  • And is the thing I want compatible with what he wants for him???

Am I someone who is afraid of change, wants to settle down and start a life, and be safe in their routine?
Or am I someone who wants to live everywhere in the world, and doesn't want a steady job, a steady life, but seeks the adventure??

When I was younger, I know I definitely was the adventurous type. I wanted to go with the wind. I wanted to travel the world, with a backpack, and go everywhere, see everything, experience life in the fullest! Kinda like a hippy, just not so dirty :P

Now that I'm older, I'm not sure. I'm very often afraid of change. I'm contradicted in my mind constantly. It's like I have 2 people inside me, instead of one. My old self, and my new self. And I can tell you this: they are not getting along! They are so different, that it hurts me.
 Having 2 voices in my head, is very confusing and I don't like it at all. But I can't seem to be able to stop it, just sometimes mute one of them-rarely. Sometimes they agree, and that's nice, or sometimes one of them is really optimistic, and that makes me feel very nice and gives me hope. Sometimes they both don't know what to say about something, so that's quiet time for my head, and I like it.
However, I'm still looking for the real me.
Is it one of them, or is it both of them?

What do you think???
Have you ever had a dilemma like this????

One question has answered itself just now.

  • How should people live the right way? By settling down, or by moving around??? 

I guess there is no right way that is the same for everyone. Maybe each person should do what makes them happy. If one wants to be a drifter, then so be it. And if one wants to stay put, and build a career and have a safe life, then so be it for them too.
That sounds about right to me. The thing is now, do we want the same things in life? Do we know what we want? And when we find out, are they gonna be compatible?? :(

1 comment:

Marc said...

In my view, the degree to which we embrace change is a matter of confidence -- especially self-confidence. If you were more accepting of change when you were younger than now, I put it to you that how you felt about yourself was probably a major factor.

We tend to be confident with our lives when we have "caught up" with where we are. I remember being very confident at 18 years old, leaving high school; I had mastered my place in that particular scheme of things. When I went to university, I lost all my old references and had to re-adjust my sense of self; it took a while, even years, for me to feel as confident at university as I had felt at 18 years old. And the cycle repeats itself with each change; getting a new job, moving to a new city, starting a new relationship, perhaps getting married, buying your first home, having kids, etc. etc. etc.

Life is a pattern of cycles; sometimes we are on top of the cycle and sometimes we're playing catch up.

People who drift from city to city are in a sense staying in the same cycle (the "changing where I'm living" cycle), but keeping it interesting by changing the context and location every so often. The interesting question is to ask yourself what they are looking for? Do they have a clear idea in mind? Or are they just... looking? Either way, having grown used to their drifting cycle, they can derive confidence from this -- the wandering tattoo artist knows he can land a job in any city he lands in.

In your case, you are at a stage in your life where your main concerns are your career: getting it started, being financially secure, etc. This is a perfectly understandable insecurity; almost everyone goes through it unless they're lucky enough to land a decent job straight out of school/uni.

When one is in a place where one is lacking in confidence, it's often normal to envy the confidence of others, but it would be a mistake to think that you can gain confidence by imitation; by doing the same thing they do. The context is very different.

Ultimately, to know what path one wishes to choose, one must look at one's life and decide on their needs. Decide what it is you need to accomplish and go for it. Confidence will come in the doing. :)