Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Purposeless

I was looking at Bloggs of Note tonight, and seriously not one of them has inspired me to read it. I don't understand what makes them so important... Again most of them are about food, as always, and some are about design, which is nice I guess, but most of them are....soulless. There is nothing, and I mean nothing worth reading in them. It's even worse than my blog!!!

Thinking about all that, I thought maybe finally I can find an actual theme and purpose about this damn blog, but I come up empty. Sometimes I use it as an internet diary (without the intense or gross stuff) and sometimes it has some random stuff. LOL. But seriously, it's purposeless. Just like I lately feel my life is.

So there it is, depression. A great subject for discussion! And how cheerful that is!! Haha!!

No, maybe we should change the subject.

Ok, ummm.... I want to go to a park and walk around, but the weather sucks. So I need to wait for the weather to get better. Not to rain or snow, and to be less cold. 
Ah! Cold! That brings up a new memory!

You know, when I was a teenager, I used to love the winter, the cold weather. I loved its misery (no surprise there) and its frailty, and its loneliness. I had promised to myself that when I grow up and I have a good job with lots of money, I would chase the winter across the globe!! I would live in the northern hemisphere in October-November-December-January-February-March, and then I would move to the southern hemisphere in April, to stay there until September, so I would live in winter again :D 

Crazy thought, right??? But that was me, loving the winter, wanting to live wherever it was cold. 

Now I don't even dream of it. Now I get very cold, and I don't like it. 
I don't like the extreme heat either, though. Strange. I want a temperature around 15-20 degrees. That's where I'm happy. But these temperatures have vanished it seems, the seasons have become very cold or very hot, no in-between. Crap. 

Anyway.... that was a memory from my past. 

The crazy thing is, when I rarely remember anything (thoughts I did, or dreams I had) from my teenage years. I think it's long gone. It's sometimes painful to remember too. It feels like a different lifetime, when I wasn't even the same person. Like I got amnesia, or something, and everything has been forgotten, and I am a new person, but with no history, no past, no memories, just the baggage and the issues. How unfair, to carry all that shit, but forget everything. 
A valid hypothesis is that Freud's defense systems may actually be true; when a person is in high stress, the brain tries to forget the trauma. Ha! It seems like my whole life has been a big bloody trauma. My brain just seems to want to erase everything! 
These past few days I've been feeling like shit. Let's just say it's NOT my month, February, probably. I've been feeling a huge wave of emotions (good emotions btw) and then I was extremely stressed and restless and emotional and insecure, and then nothing. Now I'm just empty. Empty as fuck, of everything. 

Well this sucks. 
I can't even eat, there is no appetite; once or twice during the day I'll feel a bit hungry, and that's all. Nothing more. I don't even remember what I've been eating for the past week. Chocolate brioche I think, and milk. And diet coke. And crackers. That's it. How lame. 

I don't even have a desire to write the positive things that happened, which is that I finished the 3 online classes from my volunteer training at an organisation (that I can't share on public social network and media) and I got 3 certificates, Fire Safety, Personal Safety, and General Heath Safety and Environment Awareness.  Which is cool :D 
I'm doing more seminar in this month, and if everything works out, I can start the actual thing sometime in March :D
Which unfortunately does NOT make me feel better and does not give me purpose in life; at least not yet....

No comments: