Saturday, February 23, 2013

Soul searching, strange thoughts and multiple voices in my head

It's strange how sometimes life throws something at you and it makes you think really hard about who you are.
That being said, I've done some thinking tonight.

I was on Skype with the boyfriend and we had a conversation about our future life, and stuff; and I asked him if he has thought about what his priorities would be in the future (when we live together-that future). Like, if there would be time in his life for me, and "us". Kinda of a weird question, right? But I have seen so many couples screw up, get lost in the daily routines, and make other priorities much stronger that their relationships, and lose sight of what they had, and break up. And I would hate it if that happened to us. So, hence the weird questions.
He started talking about Tim Hendricks, a tattoo artist (if anyone watched NY ink, you know who that is) that lived kinda like a drifter, going all around the world and tattooing.
The bf and I, we've been watching NY ink last Easter, and so he made the comparison between him and Tim. He said "Tim was moving from country to country, tattooing everywhere and made a name for himself, and now that he is like 40, has finally settled down. But he's like 40 now. I won't travel around, I'll be in one place".
Although that was nice to hear, that he wanted to settle down with me somewhere, later that night, I thought about it.
People are free spirits, should they be tied down to one place?
I am not one of those people that live like a gypsy  with one suitcase packed all the time, going from one place to another, just like that, for the excitement and the new things. I have a few friends that do this, and I know a lot more people that do this. I think it's not who I am though. I was the most difficult thing I ever did, moving to London from Athens, and that is just one place!! Although sometimes I think about going someplace else, I don't know how well I deal with change.  I think I don't really deal with it well :/

The thoughts that came to mind, are plenty.

  • Who am I really????
  • And what do I really want in life???
  • And is the thing I want compatible with what he wants for him???

Am I someone who is afraid of change, wants to settle down and start a life, and be safe in their routine?
Or am I someone who wants to live everywhere in the world, and doesn't want a steady job, a steady life, but seeks the adventure??

When I was younger, I know I definitely was the adventurous type. I wanted to go with the wind. I wanted to travel the world, with a backpack, and go everywhere, see everything, experience life in the fullest! Kinda like a hippy, just not so dirty :P

Now that I'm older, I'm not sure. I'm very often afraid of change. I'm contradicted in my mind constantly. It's like I have 2 people inside me, instead of one. My old self, and my new self. And I can tell you this: they are not getting along! They are so different, that it hurts me.
 Having 2 voices in my head, is very confusing and I don't like it at all. But I can't seem to be able to stop it, just sometimes mute one of them-rarely. Sometimes they agree, and that's nice, or sometimes one of them is really optimistic, and that makes me feel very nice and gives me hope. Sometimes they both don't know what to say about something, so that's quiet time for my head, and I like it.
However, I'm still looking for the real me.
Is it one of them, or is it both of them?

What do you think???
Have you ever had a dilemma like this????

One question has answered itself just now.

  • How should people live the right way? By settling down, or by moving around??? 

I guess there is no right way that is the same for everyone. Maybe each person should do what makes them happy. If one wants to be a drifter, then so be it. And if one wants to stay put, and build a career and have a safe life, then so be it for them too.
That sounds about right to me. The thing is now, do we want the same things in life? Do we know what we want? And when we find out, are they gonna be compatible?? :(

Saturday, February 16, 2013

After Valentine's Day, here comes reminiscence!!!

I have a lot of things to write today, so bear with me!!!!
so much inspiration!!!!

First, I want to say how mad I am, that my laptop got messed up by some stupid email virus. And the funny thing is, I am obsessed with emails these days, since I'm looking for a job, so I'm always checking to see if I got any replies! Plus, I have a few things I'm expecting in the mail, and sometimes they send you an email to notify you.
SO I was anxiously looking at my messages when this stupid thing came, as a FedEx mail, with a parcel that I had to get. LOL?!?!? the person that put that Trojan virus in a FedEx mail, should burn in Hell!!!
I'm not a believer of Heaven and Hell since I'm not a christian, BUT Hell should exist for those sons of bitches that do these things.
So bye bye laptop. !$£^£"&^%*(@ (yes, this is swearing, just like in cartoons).

Second, I'd like to say that I had a really nice Valentine's Day, if you exclude the morning, where the fire alarm in my building went off, because my stupid neighbor probably fucked up again. This is the second time this has happened. 10 am for fuck's sake, that stupid man. I was trying to sleep, because my insomnia has struck again, so my sleeping patterns are fucked. I was hoping for a 3 hour nap, until I had to go to the Post Office to collect something, and then in the evening I had to go to my seminars for the British Red Cross. (But I'm not supposed to say anything online for this, they have a really strict policy about these things).
Anyway, my asshole neighbor and my asshole landlord did not help my mood at all.
I had a brief skype-call with my bf before going to the seminar, and it was really sweet.
When I came home, around 10:30 pm, I found the valentine card in my inbox.
It was so sweet, this year we decided to make the cards ourselves, with Photoshop or Paint, and I'm really glad we did, because it was great seeing his card, and he really liked mine too :)
Last year it wasn't so great. I had a freaking meltdown because I was remembering our first valentine's day, and how different it is now because of the distance, and I was very upset. Long story short, I was a fucking wreck. And I was afraid that this year it would be the same crappy day, but no; it was actually very very good :)
So yeah, I had a great time, talking on Skype with him later that night (we have a 4-hour difference) but we make it work most days. After being with him for 2 years, I can definitely say that I'm having as much fun now as I had when our relationship was fresh and new. I have so many things to look forward to, and so many things I want us to do and experience, that keep me excited about us.

Third thing I want to write about is kinda linked to this valentine's thing. I'll try to explain.
This month I have been doing a huge effort to lose weight. I have 5 extra kilos I'd love to get rid of, so I can finally fit into my old clothes again.
The story about my figure is really long, so I'll make it short:
I never was a skinny girl. I was plumb. Not overweight, just a bit on the plumb side. A few extra kilos.
When I was 20 years old, all this changed radically. After a horrible relationship, I got so ripped apart and depressed (it was NOT pretty) and without noticing that I wasn't eating anything, I lost about 10 kilos. And I loved my new self. I mean I adored to look at myself in the mirror, OMG I wanted to be like this forever. So since I was 20 until I was 23 and a half, I was feeling awesome. I'd never felt beautiful or sexy in my life, and since I'm kinda shy and introverted, I could see a huge difference in my life. They way people looked at me....It was so strange!!! I felt happy!
Long story short, at 23 and a half, another radical change happened. I started putting on weight!!!
That was a fucking nightmare!!! All I wanted to do was eat!! When I realized what was happening, it obviously wouldn't leave by itself, I had to make an effort, and I just couldn't. Then I moved to the UK, and it became worse. I was again that plumb girl. Oh my fucking God. AND to add to my misery, before I left, my hairdresser destroyed my hair, so I had to cut in short. I had really long pink hair, that I adored. And I was left with a silvery blonde short thing, that made me look like Meg Ryan.
I like Meg Ryan, I think she is cute, don't get me wrong, it's just that I'm not her :/ that is not who I am :(((

This is who I was: (the girl on the left, with the pink hair)
there is plenty of pictures on my Facebook profile, so many memories and good times!!

So yeah, to continue from where I left off,
I was feeling very happy with myself (not an easy task, as a lot of people have problems with body image and confidence). But that happiness was gone, when I had short blond hair, and was 8 kilos up. It was NOT  how I wanted to see myself.

These days I'm very close to my old self, and I'm really happy!! My hair is back to a nice pastel blue & pink & lavender color, that I absolutely adore AND I'm losing weight, slowly but steadily!
I have SWORN to myself that I WILL lose those kilos and go back to how I used to look.
The hair (&piercings) might have to change because of work, obviously, but I need to be thinner again. I really need to find myself again, and if I don't like what I see in the mirror..... well.
It wasn't just my confidence and my happiness that fell down though, it was everything. I even felt weird having sex. Like I wasn't attractive anymore, for anything. Although my bf was nothing but supportive, I could not shake that awful feeling of being unattractive :(
oh, that vanity... sometimes it destroys us :/

I am feeling a lot better weight-wise though, because I've lost my appetite for a while, and I don't eat much, so I feel a lot lighter, and that's nice!!! I try not to eat Carbs as well, and this helps. More protein, less carbs and less fat, and it's all good!!
I've given myself an ultimatum, it's now or never! I'm 25 years old now, and I ain't gettin' any younger!!! I will look like I used to, now that I still can!!!

(WOW this is getting to be a really looooooong post!!)

So to sum it up, I was kinda thinking about the past and specifically the year 2011, my last months in Greece, and my lovely boyfriend, all the stuff that happened, all the fun times I had with my friends, my graduation from uni, all the things I was doing. I really miss my life there. I would really like to go back in time and re-live those months. Everything, from the beginning.
I was so happy most of the time, even if I didn't know it then, it was the best months of my life. So much fun, so much love, so many emotions and experiences!!! God I really miss my life then :(((((

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


I was looking at Bloggs of Note tonight, and seriously not one of them has inspired me to read it. I don't understand what makes them so important... Again most of them are about food, as always, and some are about design, which is nice I guess, but most of them are....soulless. There is nothing, and I mean nothing worth reading in them. It's even worse than my blog!!!

Thinking about all that, I thought maybe finally I can find an actual theme and purpose about this damn blog, but I come up empty. Sometimes I use it as an internet diary (without the intense or gross stuff) and sometimes it has some random stuff. LOL. But seriously, it's purposeless. Just like I lately feel my life is.

So there it is, depression. A great subject for discussion! And how cheerful that is!! Haha!!

No, maybe we should change the subject.

Ok, ummm.... I want to go to a park and walk around, but the weather sucks. So I need to wait for the weather to get better. Not to rain or snow, and to be less cold. 
Ah! Cold! That brings up a new memory!

You know, when I was a teenager, I used to love the winter, the cold weather. I loved its misery (no surprise there) and its frailty, and its loneliness. I had promised to myself that when I grow up and I have a good job with lots of money, I would chase the winter across the globe!! I would live in the northern hemisphere in October-November-December-January-February-March, and then I would move to the southern hemisphere in April, to stay there until September, so I would live in winter again :D 

Crazy thought, right??? But that was me, loving the winter, wanting to live wherever it was cold. 

Now I don't even dream of it. Now I get very cold, and I don't like it. 
I don't like the extreme heat either, though. Strange. I want a temperature around 15-20 degrees. That's where I'm happy. But these temperatures have vanished it seems, the seasons have become very cold or very hot, no in-between. Crap. 

Anyway.... that was a memory from my past. 

The crazy thing is, when I rarely remember anything (thoughts I did, or dreams I had) from my teenage years. I think it's long gone. It's sometimes painful to remember too. It feels like a different lifetime, when I wasn't even the same person. Like I got amnesia, or something, and everything has been forgotten, and I am a new person, but with no history, no past, no memories, just the baggage and the issues. How unfair, to carry all that shit, but forget everything. 
A valid hypothesis is that Freud's defense systems may actually be true; when a person is in high stress, the brain tries to forget the trauma. Ha! It seems like my whole life has been a big bloody trauma. My brain just seems to want to erase everything! 
These past few days I've been feeling like shit. Let's just say it's NOT my month, February, probably. I've been feeling a huge wave of emotions (good emotions btw) and then I was extremely stressed and restless and emotional and insecure, and then nothing. Now I'm just empty. Empty as fuck, of everything. 

Well this sucks. 
I can't even eat, there is no appetite; once or twice during the day I'll feel a bit hungry, and that's all. Nothing more. I don't even remember what I've been eating for the past week. Chocolate brioche I think, and milk. And diet coke. And crackers. That's it. How lame. 

I don't even have a desire to write the positive things that happened, which is that I finished the 3 online classes from my volunteer training at an organisation (that I can't share on public social network and media) and I got 3 certificates, Fire Safety, Personal Safety, and General Heath Safety and Environment Awareness.  Which is cool :D 
I'm doing more seminar in this month, and if everything works out, I can start the actual thing sometime in March :D
Which unfortunately does NOT make me feel better and does not give me purpose in life; at least not yet....

Friday, February 1, 2013

My Blog changes

So I've made a few quick changes to my blog, I've changed the background color, the link color, and the text font! I like it even more now I think, and it has become a bit less tiresome for the eyes maybe.
I will continue searching for a better background though, maybe a picture would be nicer as a font, instead of a solid color. Anyway, we'll see.

Plus, I have noticed that I have done more posts in 2012 than in 2011, which was my goal :D In 2011 I had done 27 posts and in 2012 I'd done 29 posts! so congrats to me about that, lol. I know it's not much, it's actually a lot less than what I'd hope for, but at least it's more than last year.

The truth is I don't write much, and I don't get many readers either. Maybe it's linked somehow. I've thought about it often. I've seen other people's blogs, with only like 15 posts, and they get thousands of viewers. Maybe it's because I don't advertise it much. Maybe it's because I'm not talking about anything specific.

What do you think?
Should I start writing about something specific, and stop using this blog as an internet diary???
maybe it'll become more interesting :P