Sunday, December 8, 2013
it's already December, how did that happen?
I feel like sometimes time moves a bit too fast! Which is not totally a bad thing, because it doesn't leave me much time (lol) to brood on situations and feel sad. They say that if you keep busy, it's better, and I find that is really is!
I think that exercising actually helped me too, to feel better. Now my usual state is that of a person full of energy, trying to do as much as possible and live each day to the fullest :)
A recent update on my life; I am still working as a housekeeper, and I am still employed by that temp agency as a support worker, but I've only done a few shifts, and this is becoming a bit frustrating. I thought I would get a steady job for a few weeks at least, and not only a few shifts.
Since I am still applying for jobs, I think I'm going to try more vigorously now, to get what I want.
I have a job interview next week actually. At first I though, oh crap, why now, it's going to mess with my schedule, but on the other hand now that I'm thinking harder about it, if it's something steady AND about something that I like doing, why the hell not?? The money is not that good, but if I do it full time, it may actually be enough to pay my rent!!
It's about 1 year after I graduated from Kingston University, and NOW people are approaching me with job opportunities (even if those opportunities are shit), and now I am actually considered worthy of interviews.
I had to have 1 year of CRAP literately, to be able to reach the bottom of job-pool. Last year, I couldn't even get those crappy jobs!!! I'm not sure that is good thing or not. LOL. But a girl I met in one of my seminars, told me that I am one of the lucky ones. I've been here for 2 years and now I can actually do things, while other people have been here for a lot longer, as much as 5 years, and haven't done even half as what I have.
Which I thought was awesome and then I was a little proud of myself.
So thank you (I'm not gonna say her name, for obvious reasons).
Another fantastic thing happened, I went to an interview last week, for a volunteering post in a facility for substance abusers with mental issues and offending, and I got the post!!
Obviously I won't get paid because it is voluntary, but OMG this is going to be so important for me as experience and it will look awesome in my CV :D so it's a win win situation! (If I do actually help some people, it's going to be perfect).
Now on another, more sad note,
I am still getting nightmares about going back home. I will be in Athens for 2 weeks, over Christmas vacation, to be with family, friends and boyfriend. But I am very ambivalent about it.
Many thoughts crossed my mind actually, one of them being that maybe I shouldn't go, and perhaps it would have been better if I stayed here alone for the holidays. At least that way I wouldn't have to stress over anything.
And then I thought, well, this is a problem. If I'm thinking of not going, only to avoid the anxiety, then we have an issue. I should have been glad to be back, instead of trying to avoid it. And yet.... crap.
Mindfulness skills help a bit with the anxiety, especially because I have all these issues in my head, and the way I perceive the world/people around me and this is what causes all this anxiety. So being able to accept my broken self is the first step. Now, the most important thing is NOT to get caught up in my crazy thoughts, and actually see them as what they are: just a negative thought, nothing more.
Seriously though, I strongly recommend Mindfulness for those that suffer from anxiety, panic, and/or depression. Any of those 3, or all of them. It does make you feel a bit better.
Anyway, I will update my blog before I leave London though, so bear with me as the holiday season approaches and so do the crazy shoppers and roaring tourists.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I have been very busy lately, but I have been feeling better.
Let me say a few things about what I've been doing this past month:
First of all, I am continuing with my volunteering posts, and that takes 2 days off my week, every week.
I have also decided to do some seminars on Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's 26 of them, and at the end, I can get a Diploma and become a CBT practitioner. Which is really cool.
Now I am still on benefits obviously, since I am looking for a new job, but I got registered with a temp agency and they said they can match me with "support work" posts in London, that I can do, because of my experience (that I got through volunteering). They're still waiting for all my references to come through, and then we'll see what happens.. I think that was a really positive thing, and I was really glad that it happened! I only wish that something good will come out of it :)
What else, oh yes, London Comic Con!!
So yeah, anyone who knows me knows what a geek I am for such things.
Some friends were going to go, so I thought why not, it's nice when there is company!! It was on for 3 days (Friday 25th-Saturday 26ht and Sunday 27th of October) but I went on Saturday.
All in all I have to say it was a fantastic experience, I had a lovely time even despite the fact that it was crazy busy. So many people with awesome costumes! I was delighted. Purely delighted.
And the company I was with was amazing. I had so much fun!!!
I have some pics up on my facebook profile, if anyone wants to see, and since there are so many pics online anyway, I won't bother you, I'll just put a picture of me with an awesome dude:
Well yeah, that was that, on the 26th of October. On that same Saturday I was supposed to go to this electro-goth event, but I was tired after MCM that I couldn't move, my feet were killing me!!!
So I chose to wait until the next Saturday, 2nd of November, to wear my costume. (I'll get back to that in a bit).
On the actual Halloween night (31st of October) I had an event for the British Red Cross that I had to attend, which was very nice. And afterwards at home, I had my wine and cakes and celebrating ritual for Samhain (which is the traditional name for halloween in Paganism). Oh, a nice webpage I found that describes it nicely and accurately is this one here.
Now, about my costume. This year I wanted something really simple. I had my mind set on doing Catrina, lady of Mexico, on the day of the dead.
I had all I needed for the makeup part, I just bought some sequins and gemstones, and also some black lace fabric, to make a long skirt.
I have to say I'm proud of myself, the skirt turned out exactly as I wanted it to be. My veil was ok, although it was quite warm for my head lol, but other than that, it was a good costume. Again, pictures are up on my facebook, but I'll upload one here as well. So that's me. Classic Day of the Dead lady.
I think that's all my news more or less for now.
I have had some really bad days with panic attacks, but that was to be expected. I am a lot better now though, and I try to make myself a priority.
I think I have to think about ME more, and take care of myself better. Which is what I'm planning to do from now on.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
This is a big surprise, for everyone I think!!
I have about an hour before I need to leave the house, so I thought I'd write something here, since the day is foggy and so damp, dark, and goth. (lol).
I have many things I want to write, and nothing, at the same time.
I woke up today trying to suppress a panic attack.
I feel like drowning again, in my own life.
I kinda feel angry and desperate. I feel cheated from life.
For the past 9 months I have been working as a housekeeper/cleaner, for a family here in London.
They are really good people, and I enjoy working there, as much as anyone can enjoy cleaning someone else's toilet. Yeah.
Yesterday I started working for another member of that family, that lives nearby, because they needed a cleaner too. As we were talking casually, before I started working, they told me that they were stressed to be on time before I arrived at their house at noon, because they were out doing chores, but another member of the family told them there is not need to be stressed to come back in time, since I'm never on time anyway.
Ah. That kinda struck me as terribly rude. But I didn't say anything other that I wanted to give them time today to come back without having to worry if I was kept waiting, so that's why I arrived at 12:20, instead of 12. They didn't say it to offend me, it was quite clear that it slipped out and was meant to be a nasty comment.
But it did hurt me. In the 9 months that I've been working for them, I have never caused them any troubles with being or not being on time. Usually when I'm there working, they are not even at home. And I leave before they get back. I'm never in the way, and I haven't had any complaints. At the end of the day, the person that made that comment, is never at home when I'm there working anyway, SO WTF??!?!?!?
9 months of scrubbing their toilet, and folding their underwear and doing their laundry, and washing their dirty dishes, working when they are not at home so I'm not in the way, and this is the thanks I get.
Yeah, I speak 3 languages, I have 2 degrees, etc etc etc, and I can't get a job in my field, and I have to be a cleaner because that's all I got right now, that and Jobseeker's Allowance, (oh the excitement), and that is the thanks I get.
Well thank you Life.
No, really, thanks.
For bringing me to a foreign country, for letting me spend years and years, and so much money and stress, to study to become something better, to have a better future, and instead clean toilets, and have these awesome comments told behind my back. For 8 pounds per hour.
Guess what, I woke up panicking, because I have an appointment at Job Center in the afternoon. To be treated once again like the scum of the earth, by the employees there. Anyone living in the UK knows what I'm talking about.
If that is not sad, I don't know what is.
So my 100th post is angry and sad and desperate. Because that's how my life is right now.
I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just stuck. I can't progress, and my "career" is a distant blurry dream.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Personally I find it very ironic.
Tonight, as most nights, I was surfing online, looking at jobs and courses related to psychology.
I was reading "The Psychologist" as well, a magazine published by the British Psychological Society and sent to the members every month. Interesting piece of paper, if you ask me. Usually it has ads for seminars, courses, and jobs, so I am always eager to browse through it.
So as I was reading it tonight, (it came in the mail yesterday), I found out about these seminars for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Now, CBT is something that I wanted to learn how to do, in the way of becoming a Clinical Psychologist. However, this goal of mine, realistically seems distant. So I thought, why not learn some skills that a Clinical Psychologist has, from a different route, and maybe focus more on Counselling? (since it might be easier to actually obtain that degree).
The total cost of this diploma is a rather large amount, but since you need to pay for each seminar separately, in the end, it doesn't seem so much. Hmm..
Tonight's blog post though, is not about my CBT seminars.
It's about the fact that STILL after years spent in higher education, pursuing a career in the field of Psychology, it is difficult for me to be 100% sure of exactly what is it that I want to do.
How is this even possible, you say?
Because having a theory based degree with general knowledge about this discipline, didn't help me decide on a particular division. I know I liked research. I know I like Clinical. But I also know that it is the hardest division to get into. The second best for me is Counselling.
So I'll go for that. BUT STILL after all these years, I don't know exactly what target group I want to help.
Do I go for alcohol and substance abuse?
Do I go for post-traumatic stress?
Dementia, stroke, Alzheimer's disease?
and the list goes on!!!!
All these problems are in between Clinical and Counselling psychology, and the lines are blurred. I think that's why I can cope with this.
The weird thing is, that even after all this time, I still can't decide.
And I don't know what to do, to help me decide.
This is something that I want to do for the rest of my life- hopefully. So it has to be right.
I wish I could just "know". Like I would wake up one day, and I would know what I want.
I would feel what is right, and I would be in love with my work, forever.
But maybe even if I knew, this is not how the world works :(
That's why I said that it's ironic. How sometimes I just "know", in a matter of seconds, I have an internal revelation, and I know, and sometimes, the world may come upside down, and I still don't know!!!
This is somewhat frustrating.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
That would suit last Thursday perfectly!!!
You remember my last post?
Well, I had my volunteering appointment with the probation officer in Croydon at 2pm.
I wanted to be there at 1:30pm, to talk about the case before the meeting with the service user.
The day before, I had googled the address of the office, so that I know how to reach it by train and by foot (I prefer to walk as much as possible, for exercise).
So to closest station was Waddon. I was there around 1:20pm, scared that I would be late, because it was a long way-as google showed me. Black clouds and a strong wind where not going to help, surely. I hoped it wouldn't rain at least. Ha! 5 minutes later and a drizzle was coming from all directions possible!!! My umbrella was flying away and I'm sure I looked like crazy walking fast against the wind. Anyway, I reached the address at 1:35 (it must be a record in speed!) and the damn thing was nowhere to be found.
I was in the middle of nowhere. In-between Croydon and Beddington. In the middle of fucking nowhere!!
After 10 minutes of anxiety and search, I saw a woman walking her dogs and a postman, chatting, so I go over there and ask for directions.
The dialogue between me and the two neighbors went exactly like this:
-Excuse me, I think I may be lost, do you happen to know where #51 is, on this street?
-Oh... are you sure it's this street? This street doesn't reach #51, it stops at #30!!!
-....... But I've seen in on Google Maps, and it said it's here (total frustration as I realize I must be wrong somehow)
-Do you have the postcode?
-Yes, and it showed me I should come here.
-Oh... Well, there are 3 streets with this name in this area! Maybe it's one of the others! Which one do you need?
-(I look at them with empty eyes)
-Ehm, there is one in Beddington, one in Croydon, and one in (I don't remember the area, but it must have been near by).
-The one in Croydon I think!
-Ah, then you are at the wrong one! You need to walk or take the bus.
-How far away is it?
-By foot is half an hour, if you walk fast, by bus it's closer. But you need to change near the bus station, because the is no direct service to Croydon there.
It took me 15 minutes to understand where to go, and I was going to be very very very late no matter how I traveled.
I called the probation officer to let her know I was lost, and late, but I was going to make it, if she could wait for me..
I got on the main road, run to catch that bus, and realized my phone was dying on me. The battery was at 8%. Using GPS and internet maps, even briefly, will do that to your phone.
The drizzle was still going on, and my hair was messed up, my clothes were messed up, and I still hadn't made it to the appointment. Got off the bus half way, because it was turned to another direction, so I had to walk the rest of the way. No map. Damn.
I thought this day CAN'T get any worse!! I'm somewhere in Croydon, and that's all I know! Shit.
By intuition and sense of direction, and a little use of my phone, as little as possible, no gps, only maps, I was able to reach the office at 2:20pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That MUST be some kind of record, no shit!!!
I looked like a wet and ruffled rat.
I met the probation officer, who was really really sweet. To find out that my service user hadn't shown up.
Apparently I had gone to Croydon for no reason, since she hadn't come to the appointment.
I waited until 3pm, talking with the PF, we had a lovely chat. Then I left. Got to West Croydon station and got on the next train to Victoria station.
I called my mom and told her about it, because I thought it was the most ridiculous thing ever xD
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
But here I am now, almost 1 week after my promise to keep this blog updated every few days.
Since last Friday, I have met friends for hot coffee on the SouthBank, I have eaten delicious foods, I have had long conversations, I have felt good, I have felt bad, and mainly I can't believe it's ONLY 1 week since I've been back to London. 1 week. It feels like it's been 10 years. How is this even possible??? :O
Anyway, let's get back on track.
I am looking into many things at the minute. I want to start a new course next year, to finally specialize in a department, in psychology. It's very hard to pick just one (MSc, PhD, etc, and just one university). There are SO many things I want to do, and I need to focus and decide on only one thing. And it's difficult.
Also, the thought that I'm unemployed is difficult too. Some days I just feel worthless. Some days I don't mind that much, because I see the bigger picture. Usually the bigger picture is hard for me to see.
Tomorrow morning I need to go to Croydon, and meet with the Probation Officer and an ex-offender that I am going to mentor, as one of my volunteering positions. Catch 22 is the charity that offers this service, and this would be my first case with them.
Needless to say, I am very stressed and I can only hope that things will go smoothly tomorrow.
Obviously I can't mention anything about the woman that I will be mentoring, but since this will be happening for the next 6 months or so, you should expect a mentioning again at some point.
I think that pretty much sums it up for this week. It has been focused on meeting friends and talking about all kinds of stuff, housekeeping, doing a bit of shopping, and surfing online, trying to figure out what my plan in life is going to be.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
My dearest readers,
since I have been feeling awful in the past months (years even), and I have been battling with anxiety and depression and plenty of other stuff, I have decided this: I am attempting to change my life, get rid of my depression, and avoid nervous breakdowns; and to help me in this attempt is, what else, but my blog. I will be posting almost daily now, using my blog as an online diary. (Some people use their facebook accounts for that, but I hate it :/ so I'll use blogger instead.)
Getting this out of the way, now I can go ahead and describe the past few days including today.
My final days in Athens passed beautifully. I was hanging out in my house, eating my mom's awesome cooking, and cuddling with the bf. Also, hanging out with friends in the evenings.
And paradises don't last.
On the 10th I had to get on that plane to return to London.
My heart was so heavy, I never felt so sad, and I've been away for 2 years! But this time, it hurt more that ever, and I can't understand why.
I was so heavy with sorrow and nostalgia, and feelings I couldn't identify :(
I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my bf's arms.
I wanted to look into his eyes forever, to be held forever.
But that is impossible.
So I got on that plane. And flew back to a cold, damp, grey, overcrowded London.
To my incredibly small studio flat in Northern London. That looks over a busy street, where the noise never stops.
Fortunately I was very tired, so I went to bed easily, and without nightmares.
The next day (yesterday) I had to visit my estate agents, to renew my contract for the flat I'm renting.
After that I did some shopping, and I got back home.
In the late afternoon I spoke with my bf on Skype for a few minutes, and when we hanged up, I realized how much I was missing him, how much it's killing me, not being able to touch him, just to be near him even. The pain was unbearable for a few minutes, and I felt crippled.
To take my mind off things, I watched the new episode of Sons of Anarchy, one of my favorite tv series. But instead of making me feel better, it made me feel even worse!!! (was that even humanly possible!?)
I called my bf on Skype again. I felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest. After a while I felt a bit better. I spoke to my parents on Skype too.
I can't believe I'm so far away from all the people I love in this world. I get aches all over my body, as a result of my anxiety and my sadness. Especially in the abdominal area.
Anyway, I watched a few episodes of Dexter, and slowing fell asleep.
Unfortunately it wasn't without nightmares :(
I woke up around 11am, feeling like shit. Still remembering the nightmares.
But today was a good day! I visited the Natural History Museum, to see an exhibition about butterflies! That was a really cool thing :D a climate controlled little dome, in the museum's yard, contained hundreds of live butterflies that flew around! And even sat on you :p
We had loads of fun, even though I am afraid of insects, (I can only stand butterflies, because they are very beautiful).
Here is a picture of me and my friend, in the butterfly dome:
After that, we got some light lunch, and walked around South Kensington. We also visited the Victoria and Albert Museum. We walked around the permanent exhibitions, especially in the jewelry department. It is such a lovely museum, with beautiful collections.
My favorite museums in London are the Victoria & Albert, the Natural History, the Science museum, and the British Museum. They all have free entrance, and they are lovely.
When I got home, I went through the mail that accumulated over the 2 months I was gone. Some interesting things :)
This is it for today, I will probably post again tomorrow night, writing tomorrow's adventures!
Monday, September 2, 2013
So, let's see...
I've been in Greece these 2 months (still am). I am back home, on vacation more or less, that just got extended. Yep, extended vacation.
As always, it took me some time to re-adjust. I think maybe that's why I posted that sad post in July. Whenever I come home, there is always a surge of sadness, nostalgia, and all sorts of issues that comes back to me, just like I never left. Weird, but true. Usually I rant and it goes away. This summer it was a bit more complicated than that, because of the fact that I kinda got stuck here, more than I intended. And more than I probably wanted to. I mean vacation is awesome, don't get me wrong, I love it. But when it's ALL you do for months on end, it becomes boring and stagnant. There is only SO much you can do, even if it's your home.
The highlights of those two months basically are the holidays in Spetses a beautiful small Greek island (link included for those of us curious enough to want to know more). My boyfriend and I stayed in this awesome hostel (the posh kind) for 4 days, and I can definitely say that it was one of the best holidays ever. The weather was kinda hot, as expected, but it was tolerated easily by being at the beach most of the day, and with the air condition in our large hostel room. If anyone wants to know more about the hostel, etc, please comment below, and I'd be happy to post a link :D
The other highlight, was a 4day trip to a friend's country home, in Evoia (near Athens) where we spent a few days relaxing and swimming. She is one of my best friends and I always have an amazing fun time with her :)
That was basically it, my holidays. The rest of the time I spent in Athens, hanging out with friends, and relaxing. And soul-searching perhaps.
How do I mean this?
I have found myself looking at old pictures, from my childhood, again and again, probably searching for something but I don't know what. All this time I spent here at home, it just makes me feel weird that I have to leave again. I want to leave, and I don't want to, both at the same time. So confusing :/
It's a very weird phase for me right now, and I don't even know where to begin. I think the best thing is just to go with the flow for now, and I'll see what happens next.
and since I was talking about summer, and all these thoughts of mine, this song comes to mind, hence the post title. Summertime Sadness by the lovely Lana Del Rey.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
And now everyday is just weird. Every hour I spend alone at home, which was what I originally wanted, it feels like a vast emptiness and pain swallowing me.
Why, you ask? Why did your fun time at home suddenly is awful?
Memories, good & bad, mostly bad. My house at first feels so nice, but it's only the sweet nostalgia. Then, the bad memories find a way to creep back in my head. And then it's almost unbearable.
I feel like I need to escape from my own self. My own past, my own mistakes.
Mistakes I keep on making until now. My mistakes seem to be endless. They don't go away with age, they don't change as people come and go from my life.
I know nothing is perfect, but it's just sad.
I understand this whole post must seem kinda ranty, random, and probably it doesn't make much sense.
So let me try to make it more clear,
I'm in a horrible mood.
I feel so tired, psychologically.
When I'm alone in this house, I can almost see the ghosts of the people that have gone in and out of my life for the past 6 years.
I basically re-live the bad moments of those past 6 years, and even more so, I keep feeling that my mistakes have a way of coming back and repeating themselves.
It's 6 am. I haven't slept all night. I had a fight. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't escape really, there is nowhere to go :/ I wish I could erase all my past, and with it, all the good & bad moments.
I wish I could erase myself along with everything else.
I am so tired of everything. I never thought that this could turn so bad.
Last week, when I came home, it was like the most beautiful dream.
And now I can't be here anymore.
Now I want to disappear.
Erasing everything as I go.
Everyone that was ever in my life, in the past and in the present, I want them to be erased as well.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
It has been awesome. The weather is warm, but not too hot (when you don't stay out in the sun in midday), and usually there is a nice cool breeze that makes me feel I'm in a dream... Since my house is large, and we have a garden as well (front and back), it's a very pleasant change, from the tight space I live in, in London. Which can be claustrophobic at times. Now I can just hang out in my balcony, drinking beer (or diet coke) and chill xD Ah, my favorite!!
In other news, (which I may not have mentioned before) I'm still waiting to be cleared to volunteer with a charity. The role is for a female mentor for ex offender women. Which is awesome. Still waiting though. I think during next week, they should contact me again with my clearance.
I'm on vacation, but I can postpone the date that I start.
Now about vacation, I can't get enough ^_^
I'm thinking I want to stay like this forever. I now it's not possible, but I love it :(
Monday, June 24, 2013
(As you may notice, I have put the link for my instagram profile in the "connect with me" category on the right side! So feel free to have a look and follow me if you like) :)
Now to the real reason of this post, Paganism.
Why did I suddenly decide to write about this?
Well, I have been a Pagan, for almost 10 years now. Being a Wiccan comes as a natural evolution I think. When I was living back home I was a very active solitary practitioner. Reading books, doing rituals, casting spells, celebrating the Sabbaths, the whole 9 yards (I always loved this expression..).
However, since I moved to the UK, I lost touch with everything. The stress of everyday life took over my life completely, and the adjustment still hasn't finished I feel, and it's been almost 2 years..
I took my pagan books with me and my tarot cards and my runes and my little statues that I had on my altar at home. But I only took with me half of my things.
My candles, my candle holders, and other things I have had for years, and that hold great emotional value to me, are still heft behind. But that wasn't the issue.
The issue was that I felt disconnected. Like everything was a thing of my past, and now I was completely empty and bare. I couldn't connect with my gods anymore, like they never existed before. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't even bother to do anything about it. I still did Tarot readings, but that was all. Nothing else.
To go against this ugly feeling of disassociation, on the 21st of June I wanted to celebrate Midsummer, or Litha, as it's called, the pagan sabbath for the coming of Summer.
I will not go into depth about what it is, and how it's celebrated, etc, because this is not an information site, and I do not want to bore anyone that doesn't care. If you Google it, you can find all about it. There are MANY Internet portals about Paganism and Wicca that can describe everything and are very informative.
What I wanted was to wake myself up. To reconnect with my gods, in this new country. Something that had to be done since I moved here, but maybe it wasn't the right time yet. This past Friday then, I went out to celebrate. I got my wine, my fruits (all traditional food & beverage for this particular sabbath) and went to one of my favorite parks, Abney Park and Cemetery. I love this place. It is my personal favorite. The calmest cemetery, with the best energy and vibe!
All in all, I had a great time! I had a picnic by the graves, I drank wine and ate grapes, apples and melons, and summoned my gods, to join me once again, just like the in past.
Since Starhawk is one of my favorite Pagan authors, I frequently use her invocations, because they are magnificent. Simple and yet elegant and full with energy. Invocation to the God of Summer was an appropriate one.
I feel so much better now, even days later, I feel connected again!
I have realized that I need to do this more often, Sabbath or not, I need to go out to this park, and spend some time alone, with the Gods. It's so exhilarating!! I don't want to feel disconnected again :(
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
So I changed the text font into something more readable (I think), and also since I couldn't add any pictures to the background of this template, I completely changed templates.
I browsed through the pictures I could put there, but that one with the mountain and the raindrops, was the coolest. I love rain, and I think this picture represents the blog & me at the same time perfectly.
Cold, absent, sad, grey. Yep, that's me & my blog, isn't it fantastic? :D
Tell me what you think of the changes, is it easier for you guys now to read my posts, does it make the whole experience better??? I'm open to suggestions of course, and you know I love your feedback :D
I have thought of writing sooner, but I didn't have many things to say really, and when I did, I said everything in form of long emails to my mum, or conversations with my boyfriend.
As some of you know (that follow me on the social networks), I spent the last 3 weeks in Russia, visiting my boyfriend.
I wish I could say that it was all fun and stuff, but I'm afraid it's a little bit more complicated than that.
I haven't been feeling very well (physically and mentally) for a big while now. I thought that this trip would fix everything. But one trip cannot fix everything, when usually this "everything" is in your head. Or in this case, my head.
I don't even know where to start with this, so bear with me as we all try to make sense.
In those 3 weeks I got to understand my boyfriend and his feelings about Russia, a lot better than I used to.
I used to assume things, and this time I stopped assuming and actually opened my eyes and took a good look.
I can't say I had a lot of fun when we went out, because people in than town are not used to seeing people that look different. I have a few piercings in my face, and pink and lilac hair, and I dress mostly in black.
My boyfriend has many tattoos and a shaved head, a long beard and a few piercings in his ear & face. So people go crazy, they yell, they take pictures of us, they say things they think we won't hear, but we do.
So all in all, it's not a very pleasant experience to go outside. I used to think it was nothing, that my boyfriend was very sensitive, and was taking things the wrong way. But I got to experience this whole thing very well, when we went to the zoo. And when we took a walk to the local mall with friends.
Not very pleasant experiences either. It's like this every time. People are extremely rude and it's very annoying. At the end of the final week of my stay, I didn't want to leave the house! I understood completely why my boyfriend doesn't leave the house, only when it's necessary.
Now I don't want to monopolize this post with just the impact a different style was to the locals, so I'll stop here.
We had friends over to the house often, so that was cool, we had lots of fun this way, and I really liked it. Even if I don't speak Russian, I understand a little bit and my boyfriend translates, so it's not always boring :p
I actually had a good time. Even better when I had a few drinks.
Also, the food was nice, since my boyfriend cooks really well, and I enjoy all the traditional Russian recipes he makes for me. And when we ate out, it was ok too, I have no complaints about that. It was the 3rd time I visited Russia, and every time I eat a lot :D
One night, it was the Orthodox Good Friday night, we went to this Irish Pub that had just opened, and it was hilarious. It's not everyday that you see a pub in that country, so being in a place that looks like this, was pretty funny. There was a ska-punk gig happening that night, and that was cool.
I wish I had pictures of that, but my phone camera doesn't have flash, and I don't know how this is even possible, maybe it's broken or maybe I can't find that function.
So no dark pictures for me.
Now that I think about that, and about everything about this trip, I can't help it but feel like something was missing.
I think that's what has been bothering me the entire time. There was something, but I couldn't pin point it exactly. Now I know that it was that feeling, of something missing.
This is not nice though, and I'm sure I don't even want to know what was missing :/
Friday, April 26, 2013
(courtesy of my friend Marc, hey Marc if you're reading this, I just want to say your awesome!!)
I can finally have all the cool apps my HTC Wildfire S couldn't handle.
So I got Instagram yesterday. I'd tried it last year, but as I said, my phone was crap and internal storage was a big problem. Now Instagram functions at least, and time will tell if I'll have problems with it or not.
I'm very excited though, it's so nice to connect with all those people and I've already received so much love by likes and stuff, it's really cute :)
Connect with me if you like, I'm sure it'll be fun!!! This is my instagram :)
Also, you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Gothers and YouTube for extra fun moments :D
I've already uploaded some pics for last year & this year, but I still have a lot of this to put on there, so hold on :)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Listen to music. At least that's what I'm doing now. Listening to Juno Reactor, to be exact.
Another thing I like doing is playing videogames!! Now, if my lap top wasn't SHIT, the experience would have been a hell lot more enjoyable. But when you are stuck with a fucking TOSHIBA Satellite, with a million problems, that's what you get: FUCKED. You get fucked.
Like the insanely devoted Sims fan that I am, I bought the new expansion pack the other day, University Life. I was excited beyond belief. The game seemed so awesome I wanted to die. And then it froze. Completely. Then I really wanted to die. I kept freezing, no matter what I did. I uninstalled it & reinstalled it. No change. I uninstalled and tried the previous expansion. Nothing. Froze again, and then stopped working.
Now the thing is, my laptop may be shit, but it has never had any problems with this game. No problems at all. The occasional lagging, but that's all.
So now what do I do?????
I wait for the next patch, that may help this gaming experience.
This is fucking disaster.
Monday, April 8, 2013
So anyway, I thought why not, since I have it now, why not blog as well!
I'm sitting on my toilet right now and blogging! How fantastic!!
And I'm sure no one needed to know this little detail. But I'm excited, so you get to read a bunch of irrelevant stuff.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Like I'm constantly doing something wrong in my life, and I feel trapped one way or the other, and I'm trying to find answers, but without knowing the questions, or not having specific questions.
Why do I feel trapped in my own skin? in my own life.
Why do I feel like I'm missing something something? Am I missing something? What am I missing?
Quite recently I found a new job, in a store that I always liked and admired.
However, I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel that I like being a sales assistant.
I don't know what is wrong with me. People would kill for my job.
And yet I feel out of sorts. Everywhere I go and no matter what I do, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I can't shake that feeling.
Everyday it becomes stronger.
First I was exited, but that lasted only a little while. And then this creepy feeling came along. I can't even describe it.
It's just sad. Nothing makes me happy.
I don't achieve anything and I'm not happy.
I achieve things, and I'm not happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me??? what do I need? What can't I feel happy, ever?
I feel so tired, and so trapped :(
I want to see the sea again, I wish I could walk on the beach :(
I want to go home again, I want to stay quiet and not speak for days...
I am so tired, all I want to do is cry without making a sound.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
That being said, I've done some thinking tonight.
I was on Skype with the boyfriend and we had a conversation about our future life, and stuff; and I asked him if he has thought about what his priorities would be in the future (when we live together-that future). Like, if there would be time in his life for me, and "us". Kinda of a weird question, right? But I have seen so many couples screw up, get lost in the daily routines, and make other priorities much stronger that their relationships, and lose sight of what they had, and break up. And I would hate it if that happened to us. So, hence the weird questions.
He started talking about Tim Hendricks, a tattoo artist (if anyone watched NY ink, you know who that is) that lived kinda like a drifter, going all around the world and tattooing.
The bf and I, we've been watching NY ink last Easter, and so he made the comparison between him and Tim. He said "Tim was moving from country to country, tattooing everywhere and made a name for himself, and now that he is like 40, has finally settled down. But he's like 40 now. I won't travel around, I'll be in one place".
Although that was nice to hear, that he wanted to settle down with me somewhere, later that night, I thought about it.
People are free spirits, should they be tied down to one place?
I am not one of those people that live like a gypsy with one suitcase packed all the time, going from one place to another, just like that, for the excitement and the new things. I have a few friends that do this, and I know a lot more people that do this. I think it's not who I am though. I was the most difficult thing I ever did, moving to London from Athens, and that is just one place!! Although sometimes I think about going someplace else, I don't know how well I deal with change. I think I don't really deal with it well :/
The thoughts that came to mind, are plenty.
- Who am I really????
- And what do I really want in life???
- And is the thing I want compatible with what he wants for him???
Am I someone who is afraid of change, wants to settle down and start a life, and be safe in their routine?
Or am I someone who wants to live everywhere in the world, and doesn't want a steady job, a steady life, but seeks the adventure??
When I was younger, I know I definitely was the adventurous type. I wanted to go with the wind. I wanted to travel the world, with a backpack, and go everywhere, see everything, experience life in the fullest! Kinda like a hippy, just not so dirty :P
Now that I'm older, I'm not sure. I'm very often afraid of change. I'm contradicted in my mind constantly. It's like I have 2 people inside me, instead of one. My old self, and my new self. And I can tell you this: they are not getting along! They are so different, that it hurts me.
Having 2 voices in my head, is very confusing and I don't like it at all. But I can't seem to be able to stop it, just sometimes mute one of them-rarely. Sometimes they agree, and that's nice, or sometimes one of them is really optimistic, and that makes me feel very nice and gives me hope. Sometimes they both don't know what to say about something, so that's quiet time for my head, and I like it.
However, I'm still looking for the real me.
Is it one of them, or is it both of them?
What do you think???
Have you ever had a dilemma like this????
One question has answered itself just now.
- How should people live the right way? By settling down, or by moving around???
I guess there is no right way that is the same for everyone. Maybe each person should do what makes them happy. If one wants to be a drifter, then so be it. And if one wants to stay put, and build a career and have a safe life, then so be it for them too.
That sounds about right to me. The thing is now, do we want the same things in life? Do we know what we want? And when we find out, are they gonna be compatible?? :(
Saturday, February 16, 2013
so much inspiration!!!!
First, I want to say how mad I am, that my laptop got messed up by some stupid email virus. And the funny thing is, I am obsessed with emails these days, since I'm looking for a job, so I'm always checking to see if I got any replies! Plus, I have a few things I'm expecting in the mail, and sometimes they send you an email to notify you.
SO I was anxiously looking at my messages when this stupid thing came, as a FedEx mail, with a parcel that I had to get. LOL?!?!? the person that put that Trojan virus in a FedEx mail, should burn in Hell!!!
I'm not a believer of Heaven and Hell since I'm not a christian, BUT Hell should exist for those sons of bitches that do these things.
So bye bye laptop. !$£^£"&^%*(@ (yes, this is swearing, just like in cartoons).
Second, I'd like to say that I had a really nice Valentine's Day, if you exclude the morning, where the fire alarm in my building went off, because my stupid neighbor probably fucked up again. This is the second time this has happened. 10 am for fuck's sake, that stupid man. I was trying to sleep, because my insomnia has struck again, so my sleeping patterns are fucked. I was hoping for a 3 hour nap, until I had to go to the Post Office to collect something, and then in the evening I had to go to my seminars for the British Red Cross. (But I'm not supposed to say anything online for this, they have a really strict policy about these things).
Anyway, my asshole neighbor and my asshole landlord did not help my mood at all.
I had a brief skype-call with my bf before going to the seminar, and it was really sweet.
When I came home, around 10:30 pm, I found the valentine card in my inbox.
It was so sweet, this year we decided to make the cards ourselves, with Photoshop or Paint, and I'm really glad we did, because it was great seeing his card, and he really liked mine too :)
Last year it wasn't so great. I had a freaking meltdown because I was remembering our first valentine's day, and how different it is now because of the distance, and I was very upset. Long story short, I was a fucking wreck. And I was afraid that this year it would be the same crappy day, but no; it was actually very very good :)
So yeah, I had a great time, talking on Skype with him later that night (we have a 4-hour difference) but we make it work most days. After being with him for 2 years, I can definitely say that I'm having as much fun now as I had when our relationship was fresh and new. I have so many things to look forward to, and so many things I want us to do and experience, that keep me excited about us.
Third thing I want to write about is kinda linked to this valentine's thing. I'll try to explain.
This month I have been doing a huge effort to lose weight. I have 5 extra kilos I'd love to get rid of, so I can finally fit into my old clothes again.
The story about my figure is really long, so I'll make it short:
I never was a skinny girl. I was plumb. Not overweight, just a bit on the plumb side. A few extra kilos.
When I was 20 years old, all this changed radically. After a horrible relationship, I got so ripped apart and depressed (it was NOT pretty) and without noticing that I wasn't eating anything, I lost about 10 kilos. And I loved my new self. I mean I adored to look at myself in the mirror, OMG I wanted to be like this forever. So since I was 20 until I was 23 and a half, I was feeling awesome. I'd never felt beautiful or sexy in my life, and since I'm kinda shy and introverted, I could see a huge difference in my life. They way people looked at me....It was so strange!!! I felt happy!
Long story short, at 23 and a half, another radical change happened. I started putting on weight!!!
That was a fucking nightmare!!! All I wanted to do was eat!! When I realized what was happening, it obviously wouldn't leave by itself, I had to make an effort, and I just couldn't. Then I moved to the UK, and it became worse. I was again that plumb girl. Oh my fucking God. AND to add to my misery, before I left, my hairdresser destroyed my hair, so I had to cut in short. I had really long pink hair, that I adored. And I was left with a silvery blonde short thing, that made me look like Meg Ryan.
I like Meg Ryan, I think she is cute, don't get me wrong, it's just that I'm not her :/ that is not who I am :(((
This is who I was: (the girl on the left, with the pink hair)
there is plenty of pictures on my Facebook profile, so many memories and good times!!
So yeah, to continue from where I left off,
I was feeling very happy with myself (not an easy task, as a lot of people have problems with body image and confidence). But that happiness was gone, when I had short blond hair, and was 8 kilos up. It was NOT how I wanted to see myself.
These days I'm very close to my old self, and I'm really happy!! My hair is back to a nice pastel blue & pink & lavender color, that I absolutely adore AND I'm losing weight, slowly but steadily!
I have SWORN to myself that I WILL lose those kilos and go back to how I used to look.
The hair (&piercings) might have to change because of work, obviously, but I need to be thinner again. I really need to find myself again, and if I don't like what I see in the mirror..... well.
It wasn't just my confidence and my happiness that fell down though, it was everything. I even felt weird having sex. Like I wasn't attractive anymore, for anything. Although my bf was nothing but supportive, I could not shake that awful feeling of being unattractive :(
oh, that vanity... sometimes it destroys us :/
I am feeling a lot better weight-wise though, because I've lost my appetite for a while, and I don't eat much, so I feel a lot lighter, and that's nice!!! I try not to eat Carbs as well, and this helps. More protein, less carbs and less fat, and it's all good!!
I've given myself an ultimatum, it's now or never! I'm 25 years old now, and I ain't gettin' any younger!!! I will look like I used to, now that I still can!!!
(WOW this is getting to be a really looooooong post!!)
So to sum it up, I was kinda thinking about the past and specifically the year 2011, my last months in Greece, and my lovely boyfriend, all the stuff that happened, all the fun times I had with my friends, my graduation from uni, all the things I was doing. I really miss my life there. I would really like to go back in time and re-live those months. Everything, from the beginning.
I was so happy most of the time, even if I didn't know it then, it was the best months of my life. So much fun, so much love, so many emotions and experiences!!! God I really miss my life then :(((((
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Which unfortunately does NOT make me feel better and does not give me purpose in life; at least not yet....
Friday, February 1, 2013
I will continue searching for a better background though, maybe a picture would be nicer as a font, instead of a solid color. Anyway, we'll see.
Plus, I have noticed that I have done more posts in 2012 than in 2011, which was my goal :D In 2011 I had done 27 posts and in 2012 I'd done 29 posts! so congrats to me about that, lol. I know it's not much, it's actually a lot less than what I'd hope for, but at least it's more than last year.
The truth is I don't write much, and I don't get many readers either. Maybe it's linked somehow. I've thought about it often. I've seen other people's blogs, with only like 15 posts, and they get thousands of viewers. Maybe it's because I don't advertise it much. Maybe it's because I'm not talking about anything specific.
What do you think?
Should I start writing about something specific, and stop using this blog as an internet diary???
maybe it'll become more interesting :P