Thursday, December 27, 2012

Spirits, fantasies, and loneliness

It's been ages again since I've written anything here.
This begins to feel more like my online diary more than anything else. It doesn't feel like I have a story to tell, I usually just mumble about my own shit.

Anyway, tonight I had this thought, but I need to explain the context first, so that it makes sense.

I was listening to this song, "language of love" by Craig Pruess, btw he does a lot of cool Indian- Cama sutra songs, and they're pretty good for relaxing. I really like Indian music for relaxing myself.
So I was listening to that song, and this image came in my head. A friend of mine posted this image on my facebook wall the other day, and by listening to this music, the following scenario came to life in my head:

I am in an oasis, in the middle of a desert. I am laying down, under a huge tent, beautifully decorated and spacious, with a lot of pillows and carpets and stuff, more or less like the one in that image, and I have lions, leopards, and big cats like that, all around me. (how the hell did those animals came to the desert, is a valid question, but this is a relaxing fantasy, so shut up, I can imagine whatever I want). My hair is long as it used to be 2 years ago, and even longer, and a bit wavy. I am wearing a white-ish dress, less revealing than the one in the picture, and a bunch of thin gold chains go down the dress, and create pretty designs with my jewelry, hair, head piece, and all that stuff. The whole look is of a pale-elf-princess that has more of an indian   wardrobe kinda thing. I can't describe it any better.
The key about this fantasy is that in my desert, along with my big cats, I am alone. There are no people around anywhere. It's a total reflection of my soul. It's an embrace of loneliness, of inevitability, of apathy.
This princess is hanging out in the huge tent, listening to music (that comes out of nowhere :p ), petting her cats, and she is just sitting there, in the oasis. She is the queen of that place, she owns everything, and she is all alone. Like a spirit. She has no wishes, no needs, nothing. She is just pretty and ethereal, and away from everyone and everything. Enjoying the perfect view, in that big desert oasis. 

In my many times of extreme loneliness, (the kind that rips your heart open and makes it com-bust), even when there is people around me, I always feel alone. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but always alone. Sometimes it is so strong, that my brain retrieves in some fantasy where it's ok to feel alone. where it's acceptable to retrieve in your self, because there is nothing else you can do.
Somewhere where it's comfortable, and you have no needs or desires, where you are completely free of everything earthly, and you can be free and light, like a spirit.

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