Friday, October 19, 2012

Depression and insecurities, and how my life is fucked.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I was someone else.
I always had problems with my self-confidence, insecurities, my image, and all that, since I was young.
See I was very fair-skinned, with red hair and  few freckles, and that made everyone look at me funny, since it's not a popular thing, to be a ginger in Greece, where everyone is kinda dark-ish. You know, like Italians and Spanish, Greek people come in that tan-color, by birth. But I was born a ginger.
Anyway, it was not so much a matter of school bullies and kids who made of me for being different, as to a distorted image of not feeling normal, that I had. I always disliked my self. Inside and out.
And looking in the mirror, just reminded me of how much I did not even like my own face.
I don't think this feeling ever left me completely, it just slept for a while.
You see, it wasn't just my face I hated, it was my body too. I always found it unattractive and ugly. I was always a bit plump. Not overweight, just a few extra pounds, but they made a big difference for me (and everyone else I think).
Even as a teenager, I could see that boys where not interested in me, maybe it was the fact that my natural colors where different, or those 7 kilos I had extra, or maybe it was my bad jokes, or the fact that I was a bit socially awkward I think, but I don't know what the problem was, they just didn't like me. So I had a few friends, and that was all.
It was at the age of 15 that I got my first boyfriend (or a few months before I got 15, but anyway). Then again at 16. After that, on 18. I still had my extra pounds and all my insecurities, but I guess they liked me for  other elements of my personality.
Anyway, it was on 2008 that I lost all my extra weight, and for the first time in my life, I was normal. Not thin, but normal. Still curvy, with C-Cup breasts and everything, but lemme tell you sister I was looking fine!!!!
And guys seemed to think so too, since I could not go anywhere without getting hit on.
My hair was long and blond, maybe that had something to do with it too. And my face piercings maybe give the impression that I'm easy.
Well, former-fat girls are easy generally. They are grateful that someone actually fancies them, and they'll do anything to keep that feeling.

Anywho, I was in my prime. Everything was awesome, although I was in shitty relationships. I was very confident though, but I was in love with the wrong people as I usually am. That's just me, plump or not.
I still look at pictures from that time (2008-2011) and I feel like I'm just looking at an unknown beautiful girl; who is she?? She looks so pretty  and her hair is awesome, and her make up and her outfits, and everything is so cute! I'm proud of those pictures, as a 80year old lady is of her fading photo album. She sits on the rocking chair, with that photo album on her lap,  and she shows the pictures to her visiting granddaughter, that stares in amazement how pretty her grandma was, and how wrinkled and old she is now.  How she looked so fresh and young, and now she is but a shadow of her old self, buried in dust by time, because now she is not young and fresh and beautiful anymore, so she means nothing to the world. She is forgotten.

I think one of my biggest and strongest insecurities is how people change their behavior according to other people's looks. If someone is pretty or hot, they treat her with awe, because they are stunned, and they want to conceal how bad they want to get in her pants. If someone is average, they do not even acknowledge their existence. It's like they are invisible to the world. They don't exist. This is how shallow the world is. And if you know any average or ugly girls, ask them. Same with the pretty ones. The pretty ones will tell you about the looks they get, and average or ugly ones will tell you their own perspective. Of invisibility, or weird looks. Nobody that's good looking by society's standards gets bullied. Only the ones that don't fit in.

I'm not sure if it was my puberty's fault, or my dysfunctional relationships that ruined my insides, but one thing is for sure, I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and wish I was someone else. Inside and out. This past year I put on weight, like 5 kilos at most, nothing much, but I've lost myself. I had to cut my hair, because my head dresser fucked up, but I had to pay the price, and it was heavy. I lost myself even more. I looked in the mirror and saw a kinda plumb, short-haired blonde. A fake me, that wasn't me. Someone that was wearing my clothes & my shoes & my jewelry, but it wasn't me. It still isn't me.

This year here in the UK has taken me back to being 13 all over again. That's how I feel. Like all these years of change, haven't really changed anything at all. I don't know how to function in a healthy relationship, I can't enjoy anything as I use to, I can't even enjoy sex, I don't talk much anymore, I'm not the person I was, 6-7 years now. That person is gone, maybe lost, maybe gone for ever.
I'm so different, I'm the old me. The old me with no friends, with no hopes, with no love, with nothing. Now I don't even have my family (maybe this is for the best though, LOL), or anything familiar, since I'm in another country. A foreigner. Someone who has lost themselves and everything about them is different, how they look, what they wear, even what they like is different. The only thing that's same is their name. Sometimes, when I think about all these things I prefer to be left alone, with my sad thoughts, to look out the window for hours, in my flat, hidden from the world, that does nothing but judge me and hurt me. Always has, since I was a little girl, and always will. Nothing I can do to change that.

Today I realized how awful my downward spiral is, because old and forgotten thoughts crept back into my head. Along with all my insecurities and all that crap, I always felt like no one loves me and I don't even deserve to live. It brings tears to my eyes how awful this thought is for anyone to have in their minds, and it's sad that I secretly still believe this about myself. As I secretly always had.

I mean, if that's not depression, hoping that you were dead because there is no point in being alive, then I don't know what is!