Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Numb emotions, tea and pictures

Since today I'm too sad to write a coherent non-sad post (at least for now), I will bore you with minor details that no one really needs to read.

Something really important about my blog is that I rarely edit my posts.
Almost always the posts come directly to you as I've written them the first time that the words came to mind, and usually nothing is changed. The only thing that changes rarely is typos and long sentences that don't make sense. That's why they are so weird to read, because it's like being in my head, or listening to me rant about stuff, just like if you were right here in front of me. However, I'm not looking to change that, I am content with how I write, and with the sometimes bitter touch of this blog. After all, it's kinda like my diary, only that it's public, and so I keep the gross stuff out. For now.

Anyway, off to unimportant details.

Today I opened a new pack of tea, it's called Oolong Tea, and I bought it from a supermarket in Chinatown the other day that we were shopping with my boyfriend. He wanted to buy some weird Asian fruit, and I was browsing the racks, when I found teas. Originally I wanted to buy lots, but then I though what a waste it would be if I didn't like the taste, so I decided to buy one at a time, in small boxes, to try them out.
Unfortunately this Oolong Tea that I'm drinking right now, feels too bitter and grassy, that I don't want to drink it ever again :'( Which is sad, because I really wanted to have liked it. It came in a nice orange pack, with the company's name printed out (butterfly brand) and nice Chinese letters. The smell of it before boiling is ok, but after boiling it, it smells like grass in a cup. Damn it. I'll have to go for a different taste next time.

Other than that, today has been a sad day. I remembered that I hadn't seen my boyfriends jokey hat in a few days, so I looked at the last place where I'd seen it, and there it was, logged between my picnic blanket and my yoga mat. My first thought as I was holding it and cleaning it from dust, was that I had to send it to him by mail, and then a millisecond later I thought no, that's one little piece of him that I have left, I don't want to give it back, I want to hold it and cry. As much as I know how pathetic this is (and now that I've written it, it seems even more pathetic) I don't even care. This pain that I feel is breaking my heart, but it makes me feel alive at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of masochistic misery junkie, (although I have been labelled as such, and then used it as my MSN nickname).
The thing is, to understand me, you have to know a thing or two about my past. From my late teens up until now, I had issues with my feelings. I was in and out of therapy, trying to deal with stress and panic attacks and in that process (which didn't result to shit by the way), I found out a few things about the way I function.
One thing that I do, when my mind decides that I've had enough, is to close down. It turns off all switches. All emotions are gone, and I can't feel anything. It's not exactly like depression, where you want to kill yourself blah blah blah, but it's a part of depression. Now, the thing is, I haven't been able to prevent this from happening, or stop it when it does happen. Like a storm, I have to wait it out. I goes away eventually.
Since June I have been feeling like this. Or not-feeling, which is more accurate. I can still get glimpses of emotions, and I can understand that deep down, there still are things in my heart, even if I can't feel the 100% right now. There are still there. They are just numb. I have enjoyed tremendously this month and a half that I've spend with my bf, in Athens and in London, even if I was feeling numb or stressed sometimes. I still loved being with him, I still loved seeing new things, spending quality time with him, going to places, laughing, teasing, kissing, and everything else that comes along. And because I know myself a little bit, I know that this is ok. I didn't expect to cry though. As I left him at the airport yesterday, (took him to check in and everything, and then I had to leave, because I couldn't go through security without a ticket), I was on the bus, on my way home, and I was crying. I was actually in tears. That was new! I mean, I did feel like shit, like someone tore my insides and I was empty, but I wasn't expecting actually have tears in my eyes going down my cheeks. Thankfully the bus was almost empty and no one was paying any attention to me and my tissue. I kept wishing he wouldn't go on the plane, that he would just not go, and come back to the house with this bag and everything. I know that was impossible, but I was wishing for it anyway.
We spoke on the phone when he landed, and then Skyped for an hour when he got home.
We were both feeling like shit and trying so hard to keep the tears from falling.

Anyway, this is a very long sad rant, so I better stop now. Life is life, and we know that what we're doing is very important, and this distance is not going to stand between us forever.

(I had the sense that I need to edit this huge thing up there, but I'm not gonna do it, even if it's inappropriate or anything else.)

I'm gonna leave you for today, with a link for one of my facebook albums and a picture of us (in which I look absolutely horrible, but he looks nice, so I like it xD )

1 comment:

NellieVaughn said...

Your blog is by far one of the best out there because of its honesty. Every time I come here, there is something I can relate to. Like, I thought I was one of the few that shut down, but there's not many that know this.