Thursday, August 30, 2012

Signing new contract, panic disorder and stuff

I wish this was a much more interesting post, like signing a new contract for a music album, or a sports team or something, LOL, but it's just for a new apartment.
My lease is up in 2 weeks, and I need to move out from my room here in Kingston, so I got a new place, this time a studio apartment, not a room in a shared house. My new place is going to be in north London, in Harringay area, very close to a tube station and on a main street, which is so fucking noisy.

I could go on and on how the estate agents are FUCKERS in this country and everybody hates them, but I won't. I could share my personal experience of them, the stuff they tried to pull, because I am an immigrant and a student, but I won't. a friend of mine (half British half Greek) said that they are the equivalent of the Devil, in human form on Earth, and guess what, it is quite accurate!
They only care about their money, and about the landlords. The tenants are left in the mercy of God, and luck. And they are taken advantage, in any way imaginable!
BUT as I said, I'm not going to go into detail. I don't even want to think about it anymore.
I'm signing the fucking contract tomorrow, and that's good, and that's all that matters now.

Another thing is that I asked for an extension on my dissertation deadline.
I can't concentrate and write anything, and I'm seriously behind on that. This thing with the house, with my boyfriend leaving, with my life changing again, is making me feel so fucking awful, that is fucking up my work.
Bottom line is I'm waiting for my application to be accepted or denied. My psychiatrist told me that from what he understands at least right now, I'm suffering from panic disorder syndrome and minor depression. Which fits completely with what I thought for myself the past few years.
Being a psychologist has it's gifts and curses. One gift/curse is to self-observe. A lot. Knowing firsthand how and what I feel, I had concluded to the fact that I probably had a panic disorder  and I already knew I was battling with minor (or not so minor) depression for some years now.
It's nice though to hear it from somebody else, a doctor with years of experience and a very kind person who says that it's not your fault, and sometimes these things just happen, there isn't always a strong reason behind everything. That does take the pressure off.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get the extension, that would be awesome. I would have plenty of time to write the damn thing properly. Having to move in the new place and everything, there are so many things that need to be done and that takes so much of my time! :S

There are other things I wanted to write about, but I'm not in the mood anymore, so they'll be in the next post.

I'll leave you with a favorite song of mine. From a favorite tv series.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Numb emotions, tea and pictures

Since today I'm too sad to write a coherent non-sad post (at least for now), I will bore you with minor details that no one really needs to read.

Something really important about my blog is that I rarely edit my posts.
Almost always the posts come directly to you as I've written them the first time that the words came to mind, and usually nothing is changed. The only thing that changes rarely is typos and long sentences that don't make sense. That's why they are so weird to read, because it's like being in my head, or listening to me rant about stuff, just like if you were right here in front of me. However, I'm not looking to change that, I am content with how I write, and with the sometimes bitter touch of this blog. After all, it's kinda like my diary, only that it's public, and so I keep the gross stuff out. For now.

Anyway, off to unimportant details.

Today I opened a new pack of tea, it's called Oolong Tea, and I bought it from a supermarket in Chinatown the other day that we were shopping with my boyfriend. He wanted to buy some weird Asian fruit, and I was browsing the racks, when I found teas. Originally I wanted to buy lots, but then I though what a waste it would be if I didn't like the taste, so I decided to buy one at a time, in small boxes, to try them out.
Unfortunately this Oolong Tea that I'm drinking right now, feels too bitter and grassy, that I don't want to drink it ever again :'( Which is sad, because I really wanted to have liked it. It came in a nice orange pack, with the company's name printed out (butterfly brand) and nice Chinese letters. The smell of it before boiling is ok, but after boiling it, it smells like grass in a cup. Damn it. I'll have to go for a different taste next time.

Other than that, today has been a sad day. I remembered that I hadn't seen my boyfriends jokey hat in a few days, so I looked at the last place where I'd seen it, and there it was, logged between my picnic blanket and my yoga mat. My first thought as I was holding it and cleaning it from dust, was that I had to send it to him by mail, and then a millisecond later I thought no, that's one little piece of him that I have left, I don't want to give it back, I want to hold it and cry. As much as I know how pathetic this is (and now that I've written it, it seems even more pathetic) I don't even care. This pain that I feel is breaking my heart, but it makes me feel alive at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of masochistic misery junkie, (although I have been labelled as such, and then used it as my MSN nickname).
The thing is, to understand me, you have to know a thing or two about my past. From my late teens up until now, I had issues with my feelings. I was in and out of therapy, trying to deal with stress and panic attacks and in that process (which didn't result to shit by the way), I found out a few things about the way I function.
One thing that I do, when my mind decides that I've had enough, is to close down. It turns off all switches. All emotions are gone, and I can't feel anything. It's not exactly like depression, where you want to kill yourself blah blah blah, but it's a part of depression. Now, the thing is, I haven't been able to prevent this from happening, or stop it when it does happen. Like a storm, I have to wait it out. I goes away eventually.
Since June I have been feeling like this. Or not-feeling, which is more accurate. I can still get glimpses of emotions, and I can understand that deep down, there still are things in my heart, even if I can't feel the 100% right now. There are still there. They are just numb. I have enjoyed tremendously this month and a half that I've spend with my bf, in Athens and in London, even if I was feeling numb or stressed sometimes. I still loved being with him, I still loved seeing new things, spending quality time with him, going to places, laughing, teasing, kissing, and everything else that comes along. And because I know myself a little bit, I know that this is ok. I didn't expect to cry though. As I left him at the airport yesterday, (took him to check in and everything, and then I had to leave, because I couldn't go through security without a ticket), I was on the bus, on my way home, and I was crying. I was actually in tears. That was new! I mean, I did feel like shit, like someone tore my insides and I was empty, but I wasn't expecting actually have tears in my eyes going down my cheeks. Thankfully the bus was almost empty and no one was paying any attention to me and my tissue. I kept wishing he wouldn't go on the plane, that he would just not go, and come back to the house with this bag and everything. I know that was impossible, but I was wishing for it anyway.
We spoke on the phone when he landed, and then Skyped for an hour when he got home.
We were both feeling like shit and trying so hard to keep the tears from falling.

Anyway, this is a very long sad rant, so I better stop now. Life is life, and we know that what we're doing is very important, and this distance is not going to stand between us forever.

(I had the sense that I need to edit this huge thing up there, but I'm not gonna do it, even if it's inappropriate or anything else.)

I'm gonna leave you for today, with a link for one of my facebook albums and a picture of us (in which I look absolutely horrible, but he looks nice, so I like it xD )

Monday, August 20, 2012

The end of summer and weird posts coming!!

Hello my faithful readers!

It's been about 2 months since I blogged (more or less) and I feel that so many things have happened!
Long story short, I'm finishing my masters' course in Kingston University, I only have my dissertation to hand in on the 28th of September, and that's it! I passed all my modules, exams, course work, etc, and I'm good to go.

It's such a weird feeling. One year ago I was in Athens, thinking about the future and being scared, not knowing what's gonna happen, and now I'm here, through all this stress and loneliness and some more stress, and this part of my life is over.
I'm moving into another place in a few days, I'm leaving Kingston and moving to North London, a lot closer to central London, but no more beautiful parks, river, swans, flowers, sunsets and sunrises. Just pollution, noise, drunk people asleep on benches, police sirens and an overpriced tiny studio flat that's smaller than a rat hole.
But anyway.

I'm also going to have to find a job, but I'll leave that out from this post.
My boyfriend has spend one month here in London with me, and a few days in Athens, where we visited our families and friends. Tomorrow he is flying back to Athens, and after a few days he is going back to Russia since uni starts again.
There is a lot of sadness going on, as anyone would imagine, we are feeling awful. The next time we can see each other is probably in December, before Christmas. Which seems like a century away :'(
But what can you do, these are the choices that we've made, and we can't change this now.

Anyway, I'm off to take a shower, and then downstairs to the kitchen to help with the cooking.
I think I'm going to be posting a lot of stuff these coming days, so stay tuned for weird posts xD