Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Have you ever...

...felt empty and full at the same time?
It's a very weird feeling and I had no idea it even existed, until today.
I've felt sad before, empty and fed up. This is kinda like all of them together, but even more evident. Hmm.. strange things, emotions.

I rarely feel hungry anymore, so I eat once a day maybe. Yesterday I had stomachache, and I thought that if I eat something, it might get better. It did actually, I felt much better. However, I felt sick. I felt disgusted by food as a concept, how weird is that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I hated myself for eating! I hated food, and I hated my stomach, and I hated everything.
Ok, I have a few extra pounds on me, but nothing that I need to go anorexic for!! I mean, seriously, cutting back on food a bit is fine and health, but hating food??? Being disgusted by food as a concept?? There is something seriously wrong with that. A thought that pops into mind, is that food is intrusive, it has to be consumed, it has to go in your mouth and you have to chew it and swallow it. And maybe I don't want anything intrusive right now. I want to be left alone, even by food.
I know I probably sound insane, and you know what, maybe I am, but there's nothing I can do about it at the minute. So bear with me here, or close this tab.

It's not only food though that gives me the creeps sometimes (beer seems to be going down smoothly, no thought-side effects). I don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it. I have embraced it.

I have embraced the fact that my warm pizza doesn't make me feel happy or excited at all :(
I have embraced the fact that I can go for hours on end without food, or drink.
I have embraced the fact that I don't have any strong cravings of any kind, these days.
I just sit and stare, for hours,
feeling half asleep, half awake.

1 comment:

NellieVaughn said...

I feel that way sometimes, but I think it's because it's the only thing I can truly control. I can control what I will eat, when, and how much. I have a strange relationship, not with foods, but with liquids. I drink too much of it in order to feel full. That way, I never have to feel that empty feeling that comes with depression. It's like I can trick my mind into thinking it's happy because I feel so full.