Wednesday, May 9, 2012

New blogger interface and Psychology...

Oh God, do I hate the new blogger interface.
I keep postponing to agree to change it, I've tried it and it was so confusing and stupid, that I changed back to the old one. But we can't keep the old one, because they will make it disappear :'( and everyone has to change to the new one.

Is that stupid or what???

I really do NOT understand why web pages keep doing this. YouTube, Blogger, Facebook, etc etc etc, every designer gets bored after 1-2 years and says "well, let's torment our users a little bit, why the hell not?!LOL".

If only I could get my hands on those designers LOL they would regret every second of their decision to change the web sites hahaha xD

On a different note, I have been feeling pretty bad this weekend-monday-tuesday (let's say these past few days anyway). I miss my boyfriend very much. Also, my best friend that was supposed to come to London, was not able to travel unfortunately, so she didn't come, and I was so excited about it, and got so sad when she told me the bad news :((((( problems at the airport with her traveling documents :'(
I did had 2 more friends in London these days though, so I saw them instead. But they were a couple, and it's not the same :(
I have been thinking about my life before I moved here, I have been remembering all the fun I had on Easter vacation with my boyfriend, etc etc, and I've getting sadder and sadder. I know I probably shouldn't do it, but  some days it's very hard to pretend everything is ok.

You know what though, I don't mind feeling pain. It makes me feel alive. Being able to FEEL is amazing. Even if what you feel is pain or sadness!

The reason I'm saying this is:
after puberty I have been experiencing periods of time when I was so numb, I couldn't feel anything, positive or negative. After very emotionally charged events, I could go numb for months at a time, and nothing could wake me up, nothing could shake off that numbness. I used to feel good about it, because I could not feel any pain anymore, but the bad thing about it is that I couldn't feel anything nice either. It was like I had no emotions whatsoever.

Of course this was a form of slight depression and yes, I got psychological support, I was seeing a therapist for 4 years on and off. But I never got any medication. I am against it. Being a psychologist myself, I have never seen people get better from depression (or anything else for that matter) with medication. I know, I know, it's all in our brain's chemistry, but still I do not recommend medication. That's just my personal professional opinion. It doesn't mean it's right.

To get back on topic, therapy helped me a little bit to realize what was going on. The whys and the hows of my inner self. Things I didn't or couldn't see about me. After that, it was easier. I learned that this numbness is part of my personality, it's part of me. It's how I try to deal with very hurtful things subconsciously. I embraced it, even though sometimes I hated it.
Embracing yourself with all the good & the bad stuff, is a huge step for everyone. But it's the only way we can move forward. We need to love ourselves, knowing nobody's perfect, because if we don't love ourselves first, nobody else will. If we're not the first ones to accept us, for what we are, we can't find the strength to change, and move on and grow as humans.

Anyway, the point is I embrace the emotions, good & bad, and I consider myself blessed that I can feel them.
Don't take anything for granted people, 'cause life can surprise you :/

1 comment:

NellieVaughn said...

I agree that feeling pain makes one feel alive. Sometimes, if I find myself happy for too long, I'll spend an hour or so allowing myself to get negative, while listening to a little Marilyn Manson. Like you, I went through a period of numbness. Because I had no health insurance, seeing a therapist was out of the question. I had no idea how I climbed my way out of that hole, but I did. Eventually.