Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Scumbag teacher

For those of you who visit rather frequently, you will probably be familiar with the 'scumbag' meme (the silly expensive hat on people or things, etc). Those posts always make me laugh because they are not jokes, but the irony of life.
Anyway, on to my post now.

Let me tell you a little story.
There is this girl (it's me, no big surprise here, lol) and she had decided to go to Kingston University for a masters degree on Psychology.
The course is very demanding because it incorporates 3 years (of a bachelor degree) into 1 year, in masters level. She is going to do it in 1 year full time, because she has no idea that's it's going to be the hardest thing she had ever done in her life.
Despite the little difficulties, the loneliness, the everyday problems, etc, she makes it from September to May, having a Marginal Fail in one module, but having passed the rest. She speaks with that teacher, and he reassures her that if she doesn't fail anything else, she probably won't need to retake the exam, but the July committee will pass her.
She feels a bit better, and keeps going. She takes seminars in essay writing, since her marks are not that good. She spends even more time researching and writing essays.
Her marks improve, and she reaches 61%!!!
She has by now realized that among the other foreign students, she has one of the highest marks in the I.E.L.T.S. test for English academic proficiency, but that doesn't make any difference at all, since her marks are just a pass and nothing fancy.
She sees that tutors, professors, etc in England don't give high marks, ever. It's like by giving them, they lose a year of their life. Lol.
Anyway, last week she takes an essay back. The mark on that essay is 30%. Which is not only a Fail, but it means that she has failed that module as well. That module has 2 essays, that count for 50% of the total mark each. Since one of them was a 30, the other one needs to be a 70, in order to pass the module. She damn well knows that there is no chance in hell that the other essay or any essay for that matter, is ever going to get a 70%. Therefore she prepares her self psychologically that she has already failed this module, which automatically means she'll have to re-sit that exam (from the previous semester) in August.

Now let's see what's wrong with that: Summer only has 3 fucking months. We may wish it was longer, but it's not. Time is limited. Until May 28, time is spent all in preparation of 1 exam. The final one (which may as well be a fail again, doesn't really matter now anyway). June was supposed to be all spent in research and experiments for her dissertation. Which need 40 participants. Which is hard, because people are bored, and don't really want to participate in experiments, unless they absolutely have to. Anyway, moving on. June is gone, and then July, she was hoping that she could go back home for about 2 weeks, to stay at home with her family & friends & boyfriend, and also go on vacation, to soften the misery that is life.  And after that she would come back to fucking Kingston, to write the dissertation, search for a new apartment/room, and live with her boyfriend until he had to go back to Russia.

All that will be quite different, since she will probably have to study (in between of everything else) for THAT test, and re-write that essay, and maybe study for the other exam as well (if she has failed it too).

It is apparent why she is pissed, why she is angry at the professor who gave her 30%, not because it fucked up her life enormously, but because the essay did not deserve it.
A 30% mark is ridiculous. And the comments he made were even worse. Most of them are unreadable, in his weird hand-writing, she can not even read them. Maybe that's even better, since the other that she can read are so mean. "superficial, not critical thinking, vague, waffle, unsupported, grammar mistakes, long sentences" etc, etc. The worst thing is that she has spent a very long time writing this, and all he has to say is his "opinion" that it's a piece of crap. He does all but say the exact words out loud.

She has a meeting with the module leader tomorrow afternoon. This will not change her mark of course.
All she wants to do is yell at him, and break every single thing in his office. Swear at him and tear the essay in little pieces and throw it at his face. Or even better, take them and shove them down the throat of the teacher who actually marked the essay. Sweet thoughts. But alas, they cannot become reality, as much as she would love to.
She will sit there, asking the reason why, very politely, and then listening to all the pretentious stuff and all the irony. She will envision every way possible to murder both of them, and that might make her feel a tiny bit better inside, but it won't change a thing.
She hates her self for deciding to change her life, to move to Kingston, to start this course.
She feels sorry for herself, because she is in pain almost everyday. Stress, uncertainty for the future, feelings of failure, nostalgia, torment her every day, and for what? So that she can fail anyway, making graduation with a MSc conversion in Psychology impossible. Making all this hell she has been going through since September, pointless.

Scumbag teacher gives her 30%. Means she is mentally challenged or can't even write the shopping list in English.
That's a sure way to feel great about your life!!!!!!!!

People, read my story and feel better about yourselves. If you're not in my situation, you are ok!!!!! Believe it!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Saturday night at Slimelight!

I had the best night since I moved in London, in September.
I can't even describe it with words!

Two friends of mine, that are a couple, and I, we went to this goth club, Slimelight. It's in north London, and it's quite big, with 3 floors.
Anyway, we had much fun, we danced, we talked, we drank, we met a bunch of people, it was all awesome.

The highlight of the night was that I saw Michael James, the popular YouTube makeup artist!!!
Unfortunately I was a little bit drunk at the time, (6:30am) and I went all fan-girl on him. Now that I think about it, it must have been soooo embarrassing, but I wasn't able to tell at that time LOL.
He is so adorable in person!!!! So cute! And he hugged me 3 times, and asked me about my eyeshadow!!! How did I not faint, I have no idea!!! :O LOL
My friends tried to calm me down and told me to stop acting like I'm 12, but it was already too late, I had started to hyperventilate xD

All jokes aside though, it was an AWESOME NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my friend Sian and me (I'm the blonde on the right, without the dreads). Ugly picture of me btw, very ugly. But who cares.

This is Michael James facebook and YouTube channel!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

New blogger interface and Psychology...

Oh God, do I hate the new blogger interface.
I keep postponing to agree to change it, I've tried it and it was so confusing and stupid, that I changed back to the old one. But we can't keep the old one, because they will make it disappear :'( and everyone has to change to the new one.

Is that stupid or what???

I really do NOT understand why web pages keep doing this. YouTube, Blogger, Facebook, etc etc etc, every designer gets bored after 1-2 years and says "well, let's torment our users a little bit, why the hell not?!LOL".

If only I could get my hands on those designers LOL they would regret every second of their decision to change the web sites hahaha xD

On a different note, I have been feeling pretty bad this weekend-monday-tuesday (let's say these past few days anyway). I miss my boyfriend very much. Also, my best friend that was supposed to come to London, was not able to travel unfortunately, so she didn't come, and I was so excited about it, and got so sad when she told me the bad news :((((( problems at the airport with her traveling documents :'(
I did had 2 more friends in London these days though, so I saw them instead. But they were a couple, and it's not the same :(
I have been thinking about my life before I moved here, I have been remembering all the fun I had on Easter vacation with my boyfriend, etc etc, and I've getting sadder and sadder. I know I probably shouldn't do it, but  some days it's very hard to pretend everything is ok.

You know what though, I don't mind feeling pain. It makes me feel alive. Being able to FEEL is amazing. Even if what you feel is pain or sadness!

The reason I'm saying this is:
after puberty I have been experiencing periods of time when I was so numb, I couldn't feel anything, positive or negative. After very emotionally charged events, I could go numb for months at a time, and nothing could wake me up, nothing could shake off that numbness. I used to feel good about it, because I could not feel any pain anymore, but the bad thing about it is that I couldn't feel anything nice either. It was like I had no emotions whatsoever.

Of course this was a form of slight depression and yes, I got psychological support, I was seeing a therapist for 4 years on and off. But I never got any medication. I am against it. Being a psychologist myself, I have never seen people get better from depression (or anything else for that matter) with medication. I know, I know, it's all in our brain's chemistry, but still I do not recommend medication. That's just my personal professional opinion. It doesn't mean it's right.

To get back on topic, therapy helped me a little bit to realize what was going on. The whys and the hows of my inner self. Things I didn't or couldn't see about me. After that, it was easier. I learned that this numbness is part of my personality, it's part of me. It's how I try to deal with very hurtful things subconsciously. I embraced it, even though sometimes I hated it.
Embracing yourself with all the good & the bad stuff, is a huge step for everyone. But it's the only way we can move forward. We need to love ourselves, knowing nobody's perfect, because if we don't love ourselves first, nobody else will. If we're not the first ones to accept us, for what we are, we can't find the strength to change, and move on and grow as humans.

Anyway, the point is I embrace the emotions, good & bad, and I consider myself blessed that I can feel them.
Don't take anything for granted people, 'cause life can surprise you :/

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


My boyfriend insisted on me making a twitter page, just like him, and so there am I, I have a twitter page xD
The link is on the right of the blog, underneath my picture, where all the contact info is :D
Seems a tiny bit interesting though, nothing too special, just another internet thing :/
And if you don't have enough followers, then nobody reads your tweets... so again it's a popularity measure. What I hate about this world :@

Anyway, the rest of the news is that I finished my Lab Report, I am going to submit it tomorrow. I still have 2 essays to do though :/ and the deadline is the 10th of May,  and one of my best friends is coming to visit for 4 days :O and 2 other friends will be in London for business and pleasure, so I have to make time for everyone and everything...
and the essays will be there, haunting my every move :P

Oh the stress.... :(
But the good part is I'll at least go out for a change, instead of spending each day at home, like an old lady.
It's not my fault though that I feel like an old lady! It's certainly not my choice that this fucking master's course is so demanding and the assessments take so much of my time :(

But I won't say more, because I repeat myself, and I hate that :)

I'll get funny pictures now that my friend will be here though, and at least that will be nice!!