Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter vacation in Russia!

Hello my dear readers :D

First I would like to apologize because I haven't uploaded anything for almost a month or so, and that's just not cool. There are reasons for that though.

I am currently in the middle of my Easter vacation from uni, and I am again in Rostov-on-Don, visiting my boyfriend. I had 3 weeks off from uni, so I am going to spend them all here :)

The reasons why I haven't written anything for this long on my blog, (although sometimes I was greatly inspired) was mainly because I had no time, with important essays for uni, deadlines, etc, etc and because on the few occasions that I had a tiny bit of time to write, I felt stuck and stressed and I didn't want to sit my ass down and write anything.

I don't feel that I have a right to complain about life blah blah blah and how unfair and bad it is for me right now, blah blah blah, it's just that I haven't been feeling ok for a long time, and my current life is NOT at all something I enjoy living.

Let me explain in a small paragraph, just so you can understand a little bit more about me:

I am a 24 year-old girl (I don't fell like a "woman" yet, I feel more as a girl, and I don't find anything wrong with that....yet.), I am from Athens, capital of Greece, where I have lived all my life. Last September I moved to Kingston Upon Thames, London, to study for my masters degree in Psychology. I have left my home behind, my parents, my cat, my friends, everything. My boyfriend also moved to Russia, (in Rostov, where I am right now: read above).
My problem therefore is that I feel torn. I feel like my life had been smashed to a million pieces, covering all Europe, and gone with the wind. LOL, how poetic that was. But strangely it shows completely how I feel.

It feels like I'm living a surreal dream and I'm going to wake up any minute, but I don't, and the dream keeps evolving. I don't like my life right now, because I am far from anything familiar, anything that makes sense, anything that makes me feel good and safe.

People said the usual: "oh, come on, it's just for 1 year, it's gonna be fine, you're gonna come back and it's gonna be like you never left", blah blah blah. Only that's it's not. It's not, because I don't know if I'm coming back. Or when I'm coming back. The situation in Greece right now is far from good, I'll probably be unemployed, IF the ministry of education accepts my masters' degree anyway. But still, jobs are very hard to find, everything has gotten so expensive, and I can't be a young student anymore, like I was for the past few years. Protected from unemployment, from responsibilities, from debts, from bills, from the ugly side of life.
Now I have to be an adult, in a country that's going to hell like a train wreck.
My parents told me to stay in England, at least here there are a few jobs available, it may not be awesome, but at least it's a living. Of some sorts. And that means that I need to find a room in a shared house again because I can't afford to pay rent for a studio, and also that I need to find a job, and also, that I can't go back home.
I wouldn't mind so much on one hand, it's not that I love Greece, I never did. But I love my house, and I love my cat, and I miss everything. I miss my previous life. I don't like this rat race that I'm living now. Things are not normal, they are not stable, there are not certain. They are unstable, vague, uncertain, and this is how my future seems :( And I hate it :(
 I try to build little routines that keep me going, that keep me sane. Having little routines helps a lot. I never knew; I hated routines, I hated planning, all that crap. And now, as I'm growing older, I NEED them to stay calm, to stay free of panic attacks, I hold on to them, tooth and nail, just to get me through the day, the week, the month.

And always, new challenges appear :( New obstacles, new chores, new things I have to overcome, just to survive!!!

I feel so tired, like I'm stuck in a rut, like I'm stumbling around in a dark room, trying to figure things out, and it  feels impossible.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to last year. I would have done things differently, I would have decided things differently. But then again, some say, change is inevitable. And things can't stay the same forever, no matter how hard you try, they are still going to change.

Oh my, I started by a small paragraph, and ended up with a novel. LOL.
Ok, well, I have research to do now for one of my essays anyway, so I'll write another post soon.

(I had nothing to write about my vacation right now anyway, I pretty much stay in the house, watching movies and relaxing).


NellieVaughn said...

I am glad that you published this post. I missed your writing. But I am sorry to hear you're not having a fun time at life right now. While I loathe routine and the familiar, I know most people need it in their life. I am not exactly sane. Odd things are to be expected from me. But, like most people, I need something that grounds me. That's where my dog comes in. When I read about your cat, I thought about my Frankie. I still plan on moving to England later in the year. Without my Frankie, I would be lost. My dog is coming with me, whether he likes it or not. Hang in there, okay?

~Danni~ said...

Dearest Nellie, each comment you make on my blog feels like a little ray of sunshine :D I know it sounds corny, but it's the truth, your appreciation of my writing is the best thing you can give me :) I understand what you mean about needing something to ground you. I'm like that myself. I need my cat so much, it's so weird! :O to which city in the UK are you thinking of moving to??? I would love to meet you in person!!! Also, do a little research on animals coming into the UK, there are quite a few very strange laws these people have here about that :/ quarantines and such!!!

NellieVaughn said...

I was thinking London, only because I feel the transition would be easier that way, but I understand it is terribly expensive.

I would love to meet you!!