Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Waiting for the things that never come (and Valentine's day rant)
Today was Valentine's Day. Big surprise.
I spent the day studying, reading in general, doing stuff on the internet, had a class at uni, cooked pasta with cheese sauce, did my laundry. That's about it.
I miss last year's valentine's day, just a little bit.
It was something nice, in a way I've never experienced before.
Of course this year it's totally different. I am all alone.
And everything seems fake. Everything seems so fake and pretentious and stupid, that scares me.
For some weird ironic reason, no matter how good or bad things in my life are, I can only experience nice things only once. After that, it's all gone. I try to understand why this happens, but I can't seem to find an answer anywhere.
Cute surprises and gifts only happen once. Love, comfort, only happens for a while. Dreams only last for a while, before they crumble under the weight of reality and other priorities people have in their lives.
Yeah I know, this is turning into a rant again, but I couldn't care less.
You can always stop reading, if you haven't already.
I find this blog really cathartic for my thoughts. That is why I have turned it into a kind of online dairy. Not that I'm ashamed of anything- I get 10 hits per day, if it's a good day. And most of them are about an old post about Betty Crooker recipes for cookies. Jesus.....
So I'm not worried who reads my private thoughts.
So, inspired by the gloomy sadness this day brought, the sad remembrance of what was, and was will never be, we can only drink our sorrows away, and rant in the sad candle light. Yes, I do have candles lit right now, on my desk, next to my laptop.
Speaking of drinking, I have a great cider downstairs in the fridge. I'm gonna go get it.
I haven't drank this for a while, I had forgotten how it tastes. (Kopparberg cider, with strawberry and lime).
Why not? Class doesn't start until 2 pm tomorrow anyway... And the night it still very young.
Anyway, thinking about my sad life and things that only happen once, etc etc, other stuff pop in mind as well. Unpleasant memories of my once glorious past.
And I keep wondering how many mistakes I've made.
And I keep wondering how many more I will do in the future.
And I keep go back and forth in my head, and all I have is questions and sadness. No answers anywhere. Not even from the people that I thought were so much better than this.
Because like I said, nice things only happen once in my life. And then never again. And I'm left with the pain and the questions, and then everything turns to numbness and I don't care about anything and anyone, not even myself, and I hate everything.
Sometimes it feels like all I have left is pictures, videos, my memories.