Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Waiting for the things that never come (and Valentine's day rant)

Today was Valentine's Day. Big surprise.

I spent the day studying, reading in general, doing stuff on the internet, had a class at uni, cooked pasta with cheese sauce, did my laundry. That's about it.

I miss last year's valentine's day, just a little bit.
It was something nice, in a way I've never experienced before.

Of course this year it's totally different. I am all alone.
And everything seems fake. Everything seems so fake and pretentious and stupid, that scares me.

For some weird ironic reason, no matter how good or bad things in my life are, I can only experience nice things only once. After that, it's all gone. I try to understand why this happens, but I can't seem to find an answer anywhere.
Cute surprises and gifts only happen once. Love, comfort, only happens for a while. Dreams only last for a while, before they crumble under the weight of reality and other priorities people have in their lives.

Yeah I know, this is turning into a rant again, but I couldn't care less.
You can always stop reading, if you haven't already.
I find this blog really cathartic for my thoughts. That is why I have turned it into a kind of online dairy. Not that  I'm ashamed of anything- I get 10 hits per day, if it's a good day. And most of them are about an old post about Betty Crooker recipes for cookies. Jesus.....
So I'm not worried who reads my private thoughts.

So, inspired by the gloomy sadness this day brought, the sad remembrance of what was, and was will never be, we can only drink our sorrows away, and rant in the sad candle light. Yes, I do have candles lit right now, on my desk, next to my laptop.
Speaking of drinking, I have a great cider downstairs in the fridge. I'm gonna go get it.

I'm back.

I haven't drank this for a while, I had forgotten how it tastes. (Kopparberg cider, with strawberry and lime).
Why not? Class doesn't start until 2 pm tomorrow anyway... And the night it still very young.

Anyway, thinking about my sad life and things that only happen once, etc etc, other stuff pop in mind as well. Unpleasant memories of my once glorious past.
And I keep wondering how many mistakes I've made.
And I keep wondering how many more I will do in the future.
And I keep go back and forth in my head, and all I have is questions and sadness. No answers anywhere. Not even from the people that I thought were so much better than this.
Because like I said, nice things only happen once in my life. And then never again. And I'm left with the pain and the questions, and then everything turns to numbness and I don't care about anything and anyone, not even myself, and I hate everything.

Sometimes it feels like all I have left is pictures, videos, my memories.


NellieVaughn said...

At least you understand this, and there is a level of acceptance I resist. My entire life seems to be dedicated to reliving experiences that were meant to be ephemeral, but I long for something permanent.
I love your blog, by the way. It's refreshingly honest.

MynameisEarl said...

Your case is an example of why it is never good to expect things to happen - unless you are sure that they will happen.

But on a high note, chin up mate, even if you fall on your face you're still moving forward.

~Danni~ said...

I just realized WHAT I have written here. When I pressed the button "Publish" I was drunk. And sad, but mostly drunk. Thankfully it's not THAT embarrassing..
Nellie, thank you so much for what you wrote, your comment made my day.
MynameisEarl, that is a big part of my problem, expecting things. That is why I almost always get dissaponted by people and close myself in my little shell. I try so hard not to do this, not to expect things and just live in the moment, but sometimes I can't help it :'( I try though, and I am confident that I will at some point achieve it. Thank you too, I will chin up :D

Shay said...

Totally understand what you are going through. if you get a chance, check out my blog today, I posted something that I think might help you. It's just a quote, but still.

Anyway, first, don't look for others to make you happy. Whether it is through small gifts, first kisses, whatever. Find what makes YOU happy because no one even stands a chance at ever making you happy if you don't know how to make yourself happy.

Second, OMG, enjoy being single! I was one of those girls that ALWAYS wanted to get married. I did and 7 1/2 years later I was divorced. I have had a few opportunities to get married since then and have absolutely no desire. The great thing about being single is that you get to focus on you, YOUR hopes and dreams. Somehow, those often seem to go by the wayside when people are in relationships (especially for women).

As far as being alone on Valentine's Day, I love it. I spoil myself rotten, buy myself presents which is great because I always seem to know exactly what to get me.

Don't get caught up in the ugliness of the world. Acknowledge it, but try to focus on the good, even if it fleeting. A great song; a beautiful flower; the beauty in something ugly. If it isn't something that can stay with you, find new stuff to make you smile...but never stop looking for good, happiness and new firsts.
Sorry didn't mean to ramble-I'm sick and on 5 medications...I probably won't even remember writing this.

~Danni~ said...

Shay, I checked out your blog, and that quote is actually what I needed to hear! (well, read, but you know what I mean). The funny thins is I'm not single, I'm in a very happy relationship that unfortunately since September has become long distance, because of college :( I moved to London for my master's degree and my boyfriend moved to Russia for his degree as well. It was something we both had to do, for ourselves, for our future as individuals and as a couple as well. So I know it's for the best and I'm happy that we did, even though sometimes it feels unbearable. We are still together and we plan on being together for a very long time. We will see what the future holds for us, but I hope we make it through. My valentine's rant was mostly inspired b my loneliness here without him :'( Thank you so much for your advise though, you seem to have come a long way, and I always appreciate people who overcame their difficulties. It gives me hope :)

Shay said...

Danni - that sucks that you guys have to live so far apart, but by each of you allowing the other to follow his/her dream you are really showing how much you love each other. That is a great gift you are giving each other. You guys seem very mature and though it will be hard, that maturity will help you grow even closer and your love will strengthen.

~Danni~ said...

Shay- thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I sincerely hope that everything will turn out fine :)