Saturday, January 14, 2012

the world is not enough

Have you ever felt that you are locked in a life, in a situation, in a bad dream that feels like a bad dream but is actually reality?? And you are drowning,unable to escape, suffocating.

Have you ever felt that you could fix everything and everyone in this world but yourself?

And how do you defeat the devil, if the devil is you?

Now that's a question I'd like to have answered!

My days pass in anxiety and fear, lately. The strain from all the studying and writing for my college course, is starting to show. And it's not good.
I am afraid of so many things, it's ridiculous.
I'm battling with anxiety attacks daily, multiple times per day! They haven't won this time, and I hope they won't. I pray to the Gods that they won't, and I'll have them under control and I'll be "fine". You know, the fake smile with all the pain and frustration hidden so well underneath.

It is so easy to lose control and fuck up everything. Just a few words would do the trick. A few decisions and then a few words...

What I really want these days is to go back home. To go back to what is familiar. Familiar, loving, warm, fun, just my old everyday life. I would be so happy to go back to that.

I feel so confused, paralyzed and empty. And that scares me to death.
Why can't my head just be clear? Why can't it be simple??

No, nothing in my life ever was simple I guess. But still, it would have been nice, for a change....

Times likes these, there are 2 songs that come to mind..
The first one is the title of this post, "the world is not enough"by Garbage. It really paints the picture how I feel I do not belong anywhere and my home is nowhere. At least nowhere I can go :(
The second one is "what you want" by evanescence.
The lyrics are painfully accurate.

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control.  
Hello, hello, it's only me,
infecting everything you love"...   just how my mind seems to be operating against me.


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