Saturday, January 28, 2012

leaving Russia

I'm flying at 15:25 today.

I don't want to go. I really don't. Deep down, (and not deep at all) I wish I never had to go.

I had a great time, even better than Christmas holidays when I went back home to Athens. Why, someone might ask. Because I had no stupid college stuff in my head to stress me out, no parents, no friends, no actual responsibilities to do. Most importantly because I spent time with the person I love, and it was just the 2 of us.

Just the 2 of us, in a small, very warm apartment in Rostov-on-Don, with only 3 rooms, but with so much love and fun. Outside it was -10 to -17 on any given day, and he also had to study for 2 exams, but none of that mattered.
It's just the 2 of us, like we are the only people in this fucking awful world.

I packed my bag again, and I'm ready for a long journey back to Kingston.
Back to being lonely everyday, back to doing everything alone, everyday.

It's a horrible thing the long-distance relationship, but for now it's all we got. And it's killing me, it's eating my heart, it's ripping it out of my chest and tearing it apart.

Words are not enough to describe it.....

(song of the day: "9Crimes" -true blood version- by Damien Rice)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

facebook and my views per day.....

So I write a ridiculous post that includes big hit words, and I post it on fucking Facebook, and I get 40 views in one day, just on that post. Then next days I just get 2 views, maximum, and on unrelated posts. Dafuq???

What the hell is wrong with people? Are they so bored to keep on reading the other posts??? Am I so boring?? Is what I write about that boring??? Bitch please, I've seen what other people write, and even the people that were on the Blogs of Note here on blogger, and it's boring crap, I don't even scroll down my page!!!! And note that I am a person who enjoys new things, new blogs, new experiences, new  stuff in general, and not even I can bear them.

And that's what you get with other really popular blogs:

  • Blogs about artistic pictures (not very good actually, not very artistic, not something worth your precious time) from trips around the globe. 

  • Blogs about food, very expensive and chef-like quality food (pictures OF COURSE). Who the hell cares about that. A lot of people apparently. PLUS, how to cook in a very small kitchen. Yes, you read it right. I would actually post the link for all these ridiculous blogs, but I'm not mean, and I wouldn't enjoy an argument with their creators. After all, everyone has a right to write stupid stuff and be popular at the same time. I'm glad for them, and sorry for me at the same time.  

  • Blogs about your next door neighbor, who is an 85year old lady with 2 gran kids, who wants to redecorate her attic. Seriously now? you are interested in that????

  • Blogs about winter and the outdoors, and how to google forest animals. Yes. Believe it. 

  • Blogs of proud parents about their kids... there's like a million of those blogs.... and there are all the same. Unfortunately none of those kids is special enough to have a blog dedicated to it's daily endeavors.  Sorry parents, but it's the sad truth. 

And more stuff like that..... 

So anyway, seems there's nothing I can do to. I've trying asking questions at the end of my posts, to stimulate reader's communication and interaction. It didn't work. 
I've tried posting links for more popular internet personas that I find very interesting and inspiring. It didn't work. 
I've posted on Facebook and it worked for 1-2 days, for that 1 post and then nothing. 

I've commented on other people's blogs. Didn't work. 

I really don't know what else to do. 

Any ideas???

Saturday, January 14, 2012

the world is not enough

Have you ever felt that you are locked in a life, in a situation, in a bad dream that feels like a bad dream but is actually reality?? And you are drowning,unable to escape, suffocating.

Have you ever felt that you could fix everything and everyone in this world but yourself?

And how do you defeat the devil, if the devil is you?

Now that's a question I'd like to have answered!

My days pass in anxiety and fear, lately. The strain from all the studying and writing for my college course, is starting to show. And it's not good.
I am afraid of so many things, it's ridiculous.
I'm battling with anxiety attacks daily, multiple times per day! They haven't won this time, and I hope they won't. I pray to the Gods that they won't, and I'll have them under control and I'll be "fine". You know, the fake smile with all the pain and frustration hidden so well underneath.

It is so easy to lose control and fuck up everything. Just a few words would do the trick. A few decisions and then a few words...

What I really want these days is to go back home. To go back to what is familiar. Familiar, loving, warm, fun, just my old everyday life. I would be so happy to go back to that.

I feel so confused, paralyzed and empty. And that scares me to death.
Why can't my head just be clear? Why can't it be simple??

No, nothing in my life ever was simple I guess. But still, it would have been nice, for a change....

Times likes these, there are 2 songs that come to mind..
The first one is the title of this post, "the world is not enough"by Garbage. It really paints the picture how I feel I do not belong anywhere and my home is nowhere. At least nowhere I can go :(
The second one is "what you want" by evanescence.
The lyrics are painfully accurate.

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control.  
Hello, hello, it's only me,
infecting everything you love"...   just how my mind seems to be operating against me.


Friday, January 6, 2012

A beer for the shower

Getting inspired from "A beer for the shower" last blog post, I decided to look at my stats to see how many hits I have from search machines and with what key words.

Very disturbing results!!!
The referring sites were mostly,,,   and  so that's normal, but the disturbing thing is the search keywords my reader used and bumped into my blog. 1st keyword with most hits, "my tits". WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?!?!??!!!! Who searches on Google for "my tits" and finds my blog, and WHY???? There is nothing on my blog about tits! (I think..). But still, who does that?? God, human stupidity is infinite. Like Einstain said.

Anyway, the most important lesson of today's exploration, besides "my tits", is the fact that I need to get more hits from the search engines, and  great way to do that is by simply mentioning stuff and people. And let's hope for the best!

It's not the popularity that I'm after, or the numbers. It's just nice to feel that someone reads what I write and I'm not alone out there, in this awful cold world. It's nice to feel that communication :))))

So please comment :P 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

First post of the year!

and I'm back in Kingston :/
After a good time in Athens for the holidays, now I came back here 'cause you can never escape uni :P

I realized that home is over there. It took me a few days to relax and to feel at home again, but I did. And so it hurt again when I left. I got use to Athens again, I got used to my house and my familiar surroundings, my cat, my friends, and my sweet boyfriend being around, and I had to give everything up again, to come here :/ it sucks.

One other thing that sucks is easyjet and their 20kg baggage allowance. God damn it, I had 23.8 kg when I came back to London, so I had to pay overweight. I'm still so mad about that....
And plus, I wish that the first time I moved here in September, I had brought less clothes and more stuff. Like my oil burners, some pictures to hang on the wall, etc. I did bring a few things though, lets not be so strict. I brought a few things that my boyfriend and I made for each other and some stuff that will remind us of the good times. But you can never have enough. I would like some other stuff though, some pictures from my younger years, with friends, and some decorations that I have at the house in Athens, just to make this room more happy and familiar and more like a safe place than a prison.