Thursday, December 27, 2012

Spirits, fantasies, and loneliness

It's been ages again since I've written anything here.
This begins to feel more like my online diary more than anything else. It doesn't feel like I have a story to tell, I usually just mumble about my own shit.

Anyway, tonight I had this thought, but I need to explain the context first, so that it makes sense.

I was listening to this song, "language of love" by Craig Pruess, btw he does a lot of cool Indian- Cama sutra songs, and they're pretty good for relaxing. I really like Indian music for relaxing myself.
So I was listening to that song, and this image came in my head. A friend of mine posted this image on my facebook wall the other day, and by listening to this music, the following scenario came to life in my head:

I am in an oasis, in the middle of a desert. I am laying down, under a huge tent, beautifully decorated and spacious, with a lot of pillows and carpets and stuff, more or less like the one in that image, and I have lions, leopards, and big cats like that, all around me. (how the hell did those animals came to the desert, is a valid question, but this is a relaxing fantasy, so shut up, I can imagine whatever I want). My hair is long as it used to be 2 years ago, and even longer, and a bit wavy. I am wearing a white-ish dress, less revealing than the one in the picture, and a bunch of thin gold chains go down the dress, and create pretty designs with my jewelry, hair, head piece, and all that stuff. The whole look is of a pale-elf-princess that has more of an indian   wardrobe kinda thing. I can't describe it any better.
The key about this fantasy is that in my desert, along with my big cats, I am alone. There are no people around anywhere. It's a total reflection of my soul. It's an embrace of loneliness, of inevitability, of apathy.
This princess is hanging out in the huge tent, listening to music (that comes out of nowhere :p ), petting her cats, and she is just sitting there, in the oasis. She is the queen of that place, she owns everything, and she is all alone. Like a spirit. She has no wishes, no needs, nothing. She is just pretty and ethereal, and away from everyone and everything. Enjoying the perfect view, in that big desert oasis. 


In my many times of extreme loneliness, (the kind that rips your heart open and makes it com-bust), even when there is people around me, I always feel alone. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but always alone. Sometimes it is so strong, that my brain retrieves in some fantasy where it's ok to feel alone. where it's acceptable to retrieve in your self, because there is nothing else you can do.
Somewhere where it's comfortable, and you have no needs or desires, where you are completely free of everything earthly, and you can be free and light, like a spirit.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

fucking social networks and fuck my life.....

isn't it kinda weird, when you have your boss on facebook, or your colleagues, or something like that, and you can't do what you usually do, because they'll probably see it???

I have my previous boss on FB, who took me along to another job, so now we both have the same boss, but I'm still at the end of the food chain.
And so I can't post anything there about my job.

Anyway.


I'm having a bad week. My mom is in London, visiting me. And she is staying with me. In my tiny studio flat. The good thing is I get to spend time with her, and it's nice. The bad thing is I have no privacy, because it's just 1 room (+the bathroom). So that's a bit frustrating, when I want to be on Skype, or just listen to music and be sad, and I really can't do that.

That's not the reason I'm having a bad week though.
It's a lot of things that have piled up lately.

The fact that I have almost no friends left, makes this whole thing worse, because I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings, my thoughts, etc. I'm angry and sad. I feel like crying all the time, and screaming. But I bottle everything up. I don't really have a choice, 'cause what else can I do with all that?? Who can I talk to? (I think most people would think I'm insane anyway, so maybe it's best to avoid that :p )

All I feel is that I'm crumbing down inside, I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop it. I know I'm sick of my life. Something is wrong, or everything. It could be that everything is wrong!
I feel so alone, like no one cares, not truly. I feel like if I was going to die tomorrow, no one would know. Seriously, I could die tomorrow. And no one would even know. For days. No one would be notified, no one would be there to recognize my corpse.

Why, you ask? Why these dark and silly thoughts???
Well, because it's true, really.

I'm so far away from parents (usually the first people that come running when there is trouble- mostly to yell at you, but at least they can be useful sometimes). I'm so far away from the few close friends I had in Athens, the ones that really know me and my problems and we often talked about stuff.
And here in London, I really don't have many friends. Just 2 or 3 people that we talk regularly, and some other people too, but we're not close. And these days we rarely see each other anyway, so they're not "friends" exactly.
Anyway. That's why I feel that no one would know. I'm not even mentioning my boyfriend. It's complicated.

ANYWAY.

I've thought about this blog, and I think the only use it may have is that I'm going to use it as an online diary kinda thing, since I'm not really doing the 101 things to do before you're old and boring anymore.

ONE thing I would totally recommend though, to do before you're old, is to do drugs. Try some. DON'T get addicted!!! JUST try some, like mdma, coke, lsd, mushrooms, speed, acid, weed, stuff like that. NOT crack, scunk, or heroin. Cause that gets your body addicted whether you want it or not, and you don't want that. But the other, you can try once, and you'll be fine. Don't over do it.
I think you won't regret it. I certainly haven't!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Depression and insecurities, and how my life is fucked.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I was someone else.
I always had problems with my self-confidence, insecurities, my image, and all that, since I was young.
See I was very fair-skinned, with red hair and  few freckles, and that made everyone look at me funny, since it's not a popular thing, to be a ginger in Greece, where everyone is kinda dark-ish. You know, like Italians and Spanish, Greek people come in that tan-color, by birth. But I was born a ginger.
Anyway, it was not so much a matter of school bullies and kids who made of me for being different, as to a distorted image of not feeling normal, that I had. I always disliked my self. Inside and out.
And looking in the mirror, just reminded me of how much I did not even like my own face.
I don't think this feeling ever left me completely, it just slept for a while.
You see, it wasn't just my face I hated, it was my body too. I always found it unattractive and ugly. I was always a bit plump. Not overweight, just a few extra pounds, but they made a big difference for me (and everyone else I think).
Even as a teenager, I could see that boys where not interested in me, maybe it was the fact that my natural colors where different, or those 7 kilos I had extra, or maybe it was my bad jokes, or the fact that I was a bit socially awkward I think, but I don't know what the problem was, they just didn't like me. So I had a few friends, and that was all.
It was at the age of 15 that I got my first boyfriend (or a few months before I got 15, but anyway). Then again at 16. After that, on 18. I still had my extra pounds and all my insecurities, but I guess they liked me for  other elements of my personality.
Anyway, it was on 2008 that I lost all my extra weight, and for the first time in my life, I was normal. Not thin, but normal. Still curvy, with C-Cup breasts and everything, but lemme tell you sister I was looking fine!!!!
And guys seemed to think so too, since I could not go anywhere without getting hit on.
My hair was long and blond, maybe that had something to do with it too. And my face piercings maybe give the impression that I'm easy.
Well, former-fat girls are easy generally. They are grateful that someone actually fancies them, and they'll do anything to keep that feeling.

Anywho, I was in my prime. Everything was awesome, although I was in shitty relationships. I was very confident though, but I was in love with the wrong people as I usually am. That's just me, plump or not.
I still look at pictures from that time (2008-2011) and I feel like I'm just looking at an unknown beautiful girl; who is she?? She looks so pretty  and her hair is awesome, and her make up and her outfits, and everything is so cute! I'm proud of those pictures, as a 80year old lady is of her fading photo album. She sits on the rocking chair, with that photo album on her lap,  and she shows the pictures to her visiting granddaughter, that stares in amazement how pretty her grandma was, and how wrinkled and old she is now.  How she looked so fresh and young, and now she is but a shadow of her old self, buried in dust by time, because now she is not young and fresh and beautiful anymore, so she means nothing to the world. She is forgotten.

I think one of my biggest and strongest insecurities is how people change their behavior according to other people's looks. If someone is pretty or hot, they treat her with awe, because they are stunned, and they want to conceal how bad they want to get in her pants. If someone is average, they do not even acknowledge their existence. It's like they are invisible to the world. They don't exist. This is how shallow the world is. And if you know any average or ugly girls, ask them. Same with the pretty ones. The pretty ones will tell you about the looks they get, and average or ugly ones will tell you their own perspective. Of invisibility, or weird looks. Nobody that's good looking by society's standards gets bullied. Only the ones that don't fit in.

I'm not sure if it was my puberty's fault, or my dysfunctional relationships that ruined my insides, but one thing is for sure, I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and wish I was someone else. Inside and out. This past year I put on weight, like 5 kilos at most, nothing much, but I've lost myself. I had to cut my hair, because my head dresser fucked up, but I had to pay the price, and it was heavy. I lost myself even more. I looked in the mirror and saw a kinda plumb, short-haired blonde. A fake me, that wasn't me. Someone that was wearing my clothes & my shoes & my jewelry, but it wasn't me. It still isn't me.

This year here in the UK has taken me back to being 13 all over again. That's how I feel. Like all these years of change, haven't really changed anything at all. I don't know how to function in a healthy relationship, I can't enjoy anything as I use to, I can't even enjoy sex, I don't talk much anymore, I'm not the person I was, 6-7 years now. That person is gone, maybe lost, maybe gone for ever.
I'm so different, I'm the old me. The old me with no friends, with no hopes, with no love, with nothing. Now I don't even have my family (maybe this is for the best though, LOL), or anything familiar, since I'm in another country. A foreigner. Someone who has lost themselves and everything about them is different, how they look, what they wear, even what they like is different. The only thing that's same is their name. Sometimes, when I think about all these things I prefer to be left alone, with my sad thoughts, to look out the window for hours, in my flat, hidden from the world, that does nothing but judge me and hurt me. Always has, since I was a little girl, and always will. Nothing I can do to change that.

Today I realized how awful my downward spiral is, because old and forgotten thoughts crept back into my head. Along with all my insecurities and all that crap, I always felt like no one loves me and I don't even deserve to live. It brings tears to my eyes how awful this thought is for anyone to have in their minds, and it's sad that I secretly still believe this about myself. As I secretly always had.

I mean, if that's not depression, hoping that you were dead because there is no point in being alive, then I don't know what is!


Thursday, September 27, 2012

God, I hate the new blogger interface.

it's almost 2 weeks since I moved to the new flat.
I'm still adjusting.
It feels nice to be able to live in a clean and functional place. But I miss the quietness and the trees and the squirrels and walking by the river. Kingston Upon Thames is a beautiful place to live. But it's in greater London. And I wanted to be closer to the center, closer to everything. It wasn't a bad idea, but I do miss a thing or two about the old place.
Also, a small mouse has been strolling in my kitchen floor a few times, (and possibly more times, when I wasn't watching). I feel so sorry for the poor thing, I can't even imagine killing it :( I'm totally incapable or killing anything actually, except insects. Insects and spiders freak me the fuck out. So killing them or moving around like crazy until they go away by themselves, are my only choices.
Other than that though, everything is ok with my flat. It's tiny as fuck, but it's London, what do you expect...

Funny how people expect more. "Friends" and acquaintances have messaged me on FB to invite themselves over. Assuming I had an 'apartment" and living on my own (instead of living with housemates, as I did last year), they thought this would be the perfect time to lay the grounds for imposing.
Because I am a reasonable and nice person, I replied politely as always, that I feel terribly sorry but the flat is  very small and it does not fit guests. There is no space on the floor either. You know what the most horrible thing is? This is 100% true. My studio flat is a small room. It's a room that's supposed to be a kitchen/living room/bedroom all in one. And then there is another tiny room that is the bathroom. And that's all. Space is not something I have, by no means. And even if I had space, my answer would still be no. Why? Because where were all these people last year???? Where were all these people when I was living in London, in a huge room in a house with 6 more people??? Space was a comfort then, the only comfort we had unfortunately. But there was PLENTY of space for many many visitors and guests. Did anyone came??? NO!!! But now, I get messages everyday... trying to fish out information about the new place.
Because it's more convenient, right? Being closer to center and stuff...
Well, NO :))))


So what else is up......

I got an extension for my dissertation, my deadline is on the 12th of October.
It's plenty of time I think, and I'm trying to work on it everyday.
Some days are better then other.. some days are more productive than others.... but still I'm very anxious about the word count. Not the quality of what I'm writing, or the information, or the evidence I provide, but the word count. How ridiculous.

And plus, how awful is this new blogger thing??? I can't find anything, and it just seems pointless. WHY would they change something that works just fine??? to compete with the new stuff that come online? I don't think the interface was the problem there...

I'm leaving you for now, with a song I've been listening too much lately, and it's one of my favorites anyway (the band is one of my favorite bands too)

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Signing new contract, panic disorder and stuff

I wish this was a much more interesting post, like signing a new contract for a music album, or a sports team or something, LOL, but it's just for a new apartment.
My lease is up in 2 weeks, and I need to move out from my room here in Kingston, so I got a new place, this time a studio apartment, not a room in a shared house. My new place is going to be in north London, in Harringay area, very close to a tube station and on a main street, which is so fucking noisy.

I could go on and on how the estate agents are FUCKERS in this country and everybody hates them, but I won't. I could share my personal experience of them, the stuff they tried to pull, because I am an immigrant and a student, but I won't. a friend of mine (half British half Greek) said that they are the equivalent of the Devil, in human form on Earth, and guess what, it is quite accurate!
They only care about their money, and about the landlords. The tenants are left in the mercy of God, and luck. And they are taken advantage, in any way imaginable!
BUT as I said, I'm not going to go into detail. I don't even want to think about it anymore.
I'm signing the fucking contract tomorrow, and that's good, and that's all that matters now.


Another thing is that I asked for an extension on my dissertation deadline.
I can't concentrate and write anything, and I'm seriously behind on that. This thing with the house, with my boyfriend leaving, with my life changing again, is making me feel so fucking awful, that is fucking up my work.
Bottom line is I'm waiting for my application to be accepted or denied. My psychiatrist told me that from what he understands at least right now, I'm suffering from panic disorder syndrome and minor depression. Which fits completely with what I thought for myself the past few years.
Being a psychologist has it's gifts and curses. One gift/curse is to self-observe. A lot. Knowing firsthand how and what I feel, I had concluded to the fact that I probably had a panic disorder  and I already knew I was battling with minor (or not so minor) depression for some years now.
It's nice though to hear it from somebody else, a doctor with years of experience and a very kind person who says that it's not your fault, and sometimes these things just happen, there isn't always a strong reason behind everything. That does take the pressure off.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get the extension, that would be awesome. I would have plenty of time to write the damn thing properly. Having to move in the new place and everything, there are so many things that need to be done and that takes so much of my time! :S

There are other things I wanted to write about, but I'm not in the mood anymore, so they'll be in the next post.

I'll leave you with a favorite song of mine. From a favorite tv series.



Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Numb emotions, tea and pictures

Since today I'm too sad to write a coherent non-sad post (at least for now), I will bore you with minor details that no one really needs to read.

Something really important about my blog is that I rarely edit my posts.
Almost always the posts come directly to you as I've written them the first time that the words came to mind, and usually nothing is changed. The only thing that changes rarely is typos and long sentences that don't make sense. That's why they are so weird to read, because it's like being in my head, or listening to me rant about stuff, just like if you were right here in front of me. However, I'm not looking to change that, I am content with how I write, and with the sometimes bitter touch of this blog. After all, it's kinda like my diary, only that it's public, and so I keep the gross stuff out. For now.

Anyway, off to unimportant details.

Today I opened a new pack of tea, it's called Oolong Tea, and I bought it from a supermarket in Chinatown the other day that we were shopping with my boyfriend. He wanted to buy some weird Asian fruit, and I was browsing the racks, when I found teas. Originally I wanted to buy lots, but then I though what a waste it would be if I didn't like the taste, so I decided to buy one at a time, in small boxes, to try them out.
Unfortunately this Oolong Tea that I'm drinking right now, feels too bitter and grassy, that I don't want to drink it ever again :'( Which is sad, because I really wanted to have liked it. It came in a nice orange pack, with the company's name printed out (butterfly brand) and nice Chinese letters. The smell of it before boiling is ok, but after boiling it, it smells like grass in a cup. Damn it. I'll have to go for a different taste next time.

Other than that, today has been a sad day. I remembered that I hadn't seen my boyfriends jokey hat in a few days, so I looked at the last place where I'd seen it, and there it was, logged between my picnic blanket and my yoga mat. My first thought as I was holding it and cleaning it from dust, was that I had to send it to him by mail, and then a millisecond later I thought no, that's one little piece of him that I have left, I don't want to give it back, I want to hold it and cry. As much as I know how pathetic this is (and now that I've written it, it seems even more pathetic) I don't even care. This pain that I feel is breaking my heart, but it makes me feel alive at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of masochistic misery junkie, (although I have been labelled as such, and then used it as my MSN nickname).
The thing is, to understand me, you have to know a thing or two about my past. From my late teens up until now, I had issues with my feelings. I was in and out of therapy, trying to deal with stress and panic attacks and in that process (which didn't result to shit by the way), I found out a few things about the way I function.
One thing that I do, when my mind decides that I've had enough, is to close down. It turns off all switches. All emotions are gone, and I can't feel anything. It's not exactly like depression, where you want to kill yourself blah blah blah, but it's a part of depression. Now, the thing is, I haven't been able to prevent this from happening, or stop it when it does happen. Like a storm, I have to wait it out. I goes away eventually.
Since June I have been feeling like this. Or not-feeling, which is more accurate. I can still get glimpses of emotions, and I can understand that deep down, there still are things in my heart, even if I can't feel the 100% right now. There are still there. They are just numb. I have enjoyed tremendously this month and a half that I've spend with my bf, in Athens and in London, even if I was feeling numb or stressed sometimes. I still loved being with him, I still loved seeing new things, spending quality time with him, going to places, laughing, teasing, kissing, and everything else that comes along. And because I know myself a little bit, I know that this is ok. I didn't expect to cry though. As I left him at the airport yesterday, (took him to check in and everything, and then I had to leave, because I couldn't go through security without a ticket), I was on the bus, on my way home, and I was crying. I was actually in tears. That was new! I mean, I did feel like shit, like someone tore my insides and I was empty, but I wasn't expecting actually have tears in my eyes going down my cheeks. Thankfully the bus was almost empty and no one was paying any attention to me and my tissue. I kept wishing he wouldn't go on the plane, that he would just not go, and come back to the house with this bag and everything. I know that was impossible, but I was wishing for it anyway.
We spoke on the phone when he landed, and then Skyped for an hour when he got home.
We were both feeling like shit and trying so hard to keep the tears from falling.

Anyway, this is a very long sad rant, so I better stop now. Life is life, and we know that what we're doing is very important, and this distance is not going to stand between us forever.

(I had the sense that I need to edit this huge thing up there, but I'm not gonna do it, even if it's inappropriate or anything else.)

I'm gonna leave you for today, with a link for one of my facebook albums and a picture of us (in which I look absolutely horrible, but he looks nice, so I like it xD )




Monday, August 20, 2012

The end of summer and weird posts coming!!

Hello my faithful readers!

It's been about 2 months since I blogged (more or less) and I feel that so many things have happened!
Long story short, I'm finishing my masters' course in Kingston University, I only have my dissertation to hand in on the 28th of September, and that's it! I passed all my modules, exams, course work, etc, and I'm good to go.

It's such a weird feeling. One year ago I was in Athens, thinking about the future and being scared, not knowing what's gonna happen, and now I'm here, through all this stress and loneliness and some more stress, and this part of my life is over.
I'm moving into another place in a few days, I'm leaving Kingston and moving to North London, a lot closer to central London, but no more beautiful parks, river, swans, flowers, sunsets and sunrises. Just pollution, noise, drunk people asleep on benches, police sirens and an overpriced tiny studio flat that's smaller than a rat hole.
But anyway.

I'm also going to have to find a job, but I'll leave that out from this post.
My boyfriend has spend one month here in London with me, and a few days in Athens, where we visited our families and friends. Tomorrow he is flying back to Athens, and after a few days he is going back to Russia since uni starts again.
There is a lot of sadness going on, as anyone would imagine, we are feeling awful. The next time we can see each other is probably in December, before Christmas. Which seems like a century away :'(
But what can you do, these are the choices that we've made, and we can't change this now.

Anyway, I'm off to take a shower, and then downstairs to the kitchen to help with the cooking.
I think I'm going to be posting a lot of stuff these coming days, so stay tuned for weird posts xD

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Have you ever...

...felt empty and full at the same time?
It's a very weird feeling and I had no idea it even existed, until today.
I've felt sad before, empty and fed up. This is kinda like all of them together, but even more evident. Hmm.. strange things, emotions.

I rarely feel hungry anymore, so I eat once a day maybe. Yesterday I had stomachache, and I thought that if I eat something, it might get better. It did actually, I felt much better. However, I felt sick. I felt disgusted by food as a concept, how weird is that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I hated myself for eating! I hated food, and I hated my stomach, and I hated everything.
Ok, I have a few extra pounds on me, but nothing that I need to go anorexic for!! I mean, seriously, cutting back on food a bit is fine and health, but hating food??? Being disgusted by food as a concept?? There is something seriously wrong with that. A thought that pops into mind, is that food is intrusive, it has to be consumed, it has to go in your mouth and you have to chew it and swallow it. And maybe I don't want anything intrusive right now. I want to be left alone, even by food.
I know I probably sound insane, and you know what, maybe I am, but there's nothing I can do about it at the minute. So bear with me here, or close this tab.

It's not only food though that gives me the creeps sometimes (beer seems to be going down smoothly, no thought-side effects). I don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it. I have embraced it.

I have embraced the fact that my warm pizza doesn't make me feel happy or excited at all :(
I have embraced the fact that I can go for hours on end without food, or drink.
I have embraced the fact that I don't have any strong cravings of any kind, these days.
I just sit and stare, for hours,
feeling half asleep, half awake.

Monday, June 25, 2012

it's been ages

I feel it's been ages since I blogged. Sometimes I wish I could do it everyday, sometimes I wish I could even have something worth blogging about every day. Oh well.

It's almost the end of June, and it feels so strange. When did June came to an end??? The weather here in London has been on and off, cold one day, hot the next, then cold again, day after day. I don't complain though, because I do like cold weather, I do prefer to suffer from cold that from heat. It rains often, even though it's officially summer now, still.
Back home everyone complains about heat of course, as always, since it's 38 degrees. Every summer is the same in Greece, boiling hot. This I do not miss. At all.
What I miss are other things.
My house and my garden, my cat, my old life.
But I don't want to keep talking about that, it seems as though everything I write these days is about reminescence. (is that even a word? lol).

Anyway, this post was going to be about the fact that uni is over in September and that I am in the middle of the experiments for my dissertation, and that is good. I am looking forward to go home in July for 12 days, and then Ill be back here in London.... Many things to look forward to!!! :D

Thursday, June 7, 2012

gone for a while, and summer is coming

I know I have been gone for quite a while from blogger, the reason behind this, is that I had my last exam for uni at the 28th of May. After that, I felt so tired, so fed up, that I didn't want to do anything at all :/ just sit on my ass all day and rot :P
Why I actually did was sleep a lot, play video games, go out for beers and sit on my ass. Mostly.

There is nothing too exciting going on currently in my life (and I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing).

I am waiting for the results from the exams and the essays, so that I'll know what I have to do (re-sit an exam or re-write an essay), and I'm also waiting for my supervisor to find time to meet me so we can talk about my dissertation and I can actually start the experiments. I hate the fact that June is already here, and I haven't started the fucking experiments... :@

I have booked my tickets to go back home, on the 4th of July (lol??) but I haven't booked my return here yet :/ and since I won't be coming back alone, but with my boyfriend, who will stay with me until late August-beginning of September, when he needs go leave for Russia again, it's something I have been postponing to do..... But I need to book them soon, because with the Olympic Games and stuff, it might/will get crowded in London airspace :P

Anyway, other than that, nothing much is going on really...
I feel weird, I don't know :/

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Scumbag teacher

For those of you who visit 9gag.com rather frequently, you will probably be familiar with the 'scumbag' meme (the silly expensive hat on people or things, etc). Those posts always make me laugh because they are not jokes, but the irony of life.
Anyway, on to my post now.

Let me tell you a little story.
There is this girl (it's me, no big surprise here, lol) and she had decided to go to Kingston University for a masters degree on Psychology.
The course is very demanding because it incorporates 3 years (of a bachelor degree) into 1 year, in masters level. She is going to do it in 1 year full time, because she has no idea that's it's going to be the hardest thing she had ever done in her life.
Despite the little difficulties, the loneliness, the everyday problems, etc, she makes it from September to May, having a Marginal Fail in one module, but having passed the rest. She speaks with that teacher, and he reassures her that if she doesn't fail anything else, she probably won't need to retake the exam, but the July committee will pass her.
She feels a bit better, and keeps going. She takes seminars in essay writing, since her marks are not that good. She spends even more time researching and writing essays.
Her marks improve, and she reaches 61%!!!
She has by now realized that among the other foreign students, she has one of the highest marks in the I.E.L.T.S. test for English academic proficiency, but that doesn't make any difference at all, since her marks are just a pass and nothing fancy.
She sees that tutors, professors, etc in England don't give high marks, ever. It's like by giving them, they lose a year of their life. Lol.
Anyway, last week she takes an essay back. The mark on that essay is 30%. Which is not only a Fail, but it means that she has failed that module as well. That module has 2 essays, that count for 50% of the total mark each. Since one of them was a 30, the other one needs to be a 70, in order to pass the module. She damn well knows that there is no chance in hell that the other essay or any essay for that matter, is ever going to get a 70%. Therefore she prepares her self psychologically that she has already failed this module, which automatically means she'll have to re-sit that exam (from the previous semester) in August.

Now let's see what's wrong with that: Summer only has 3 fucking months. We may wish it was longer, but it's not. Time is limited. Until May 28, time is spent all in preparation of 1 exam. The final one (which may as well be a fail again, doesn't really matter now anyway). June was supposed to be all spent in research and experiments for her dissertation. Which need 40 participants. Which is hard, because people are bored, and don't really want to participate in experiments, unless they absolutely have to. Anyway, moving on. June is gone, and then July, she was hoping that she could go back home for about 2 weeks, to stay at home with her family & friends & boyfriend, and also go on vacation, to soften the misery that is life.  And after that she would come back to fucking Kingston, to write the dissertation, search for a new apartment/room, and live with her boyfriend until he had to go back to Russia.

All that will be quite different, since she will probably have to study (in between of everything else) for THAT test, and re-write that essay, and maybe study for the other exam as well (if she has failed it too).

It is apparent why she is pissed, why she is angry at the professor who gave her 30%, not because it fucked up her life enormously, but because the essay did not deserve it.
A 30% mark is ridiculous. And the comments he made were even worse. Most of them are unreadable, in his weird hand-writing, she can not even read them. Maybe that's even better, since the other that she can read are so mean. "superficial, not critical thinking, vague, waffle, unsupported, grammar mistakes, long sentences" etc, etc. The worst thing is that she has spent a very long time writing this, and all he has to say is his "opinion" that it's a piece of crap. He does all but say the exact words out loud.

She has a meeting with the module leader tomorrow afternoon. This will not change her mark of course.
All she wants to do is yell at him, and break every single thing in his office. Swear at him and tear the essay in little pieces and throw it at his face. Or even better, take them and shove them down the throat of the teacher who actually marked the essay. Sweet thoughts. But alas, they cannot become reality, as much as she would love to.
She will sit there, asking the reason why, very politely, and then listening to all the pretentious stuff and all the irony. She will envision every way possible to murder both of them, and that might make her feel a tiny bit better inside, but it won't change a thing.
She hates her self for deciding to change her life, to move to Kingston, to start this course.
She feels sorry for herself, because she is in pain almost everyday. Stress, uncertainty for the future, feelings of failure, nostalgia, torment her every day, and for what? So that she can fail anyway, making graduation with a MSc conversion in Psychology impossible. Making all this hell she has been going through since September, pointless.

Scumbag teacher gives her 30%. Means she is mentally challenged or can't even write the shopping list in English.
That's a sure way to feel great about your life!!!!!!!!

People, read my story and feel better about yourselves. If you're not in my situation, you are ok!!!!! Believe it!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Saturday night at Slimelight!

I had the best night since I moved in London, in September.
I can't even describe it with words!

Two friends of mine, that are a couple, and I, we went to this goth club, Slimelight. It's in north London, and it's quite big, with 3 floors.
Anyway, we had much fun, we danced, we talked, we drank, we met a bunch of people, it was all awesome.

The highlight of the night was that I saw Michael James, the popular YouTube makeup artist!!!
Unfortunately I was a little bit drunk at the time, (6:30am) and I went all fan-girl on him. Now that I think about it, it must have been soooo embarrassing, but I wasn't able to tell at that time LOL.
He is so adorable in person!!!! So cute! And he hugged me 3 times, and asked me about my eyeshadow!!! How did I not faint, I have no idea!!! :O LOL
My friends tried to calm me down and told me to stop acting like I'm 12, but it was already too late, I had started to hyperventilate xD

All jokes aside though, it was an AWESOME NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my friend Sian and me (I'm the blonde on the right, without the dreads). Ugly picture of me btw, very ugly. But who cares.

This is Michael James facebook and YouTube channel!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

New blogger interface and Psychology...

Oh God, do I hate the new blogger interface.
I keep postponing to agree to change it, I've tried it and it was so confusing and stupid, that I changed back to the old one. But we can't keep the old one, because they will make it disappear :'( and everyone has to change to the new one.

Is that stupid or what???

I really do NOT understand why web pages keep doing this. YouTube, Blogger, Facebook, etc etc etc, every designer gets bored after 1-2 years and says "well, let's torment our users a little bit, why the hell not?!LOL".

If only I could get my hands on those designers LOL they would regret every second of their decision to change the web sites hahaha xD

On a different note, I have been feeling pretty bad this weekend-monday-tuesday (let's say these past few days anyway). I miss my boyfriend very much. Also, my best friend that was supposed to come to London, was not able to travel unfortunately, so she didn't come, and I was so excited about it, and got so sad when she told me the bad news :((((( problems at the airport with her traveling documents :'(
I did had 2 more friends in London these days though, so I saw them instead. But they were a couple, and it's not the same :(
I have been thinking about my life before I moved here, I have been remembering all the fun I had on Easter vacation with my boyfriend, etc etc, and I've getting sadder and sadder. I know I probably shouldn't do it, but  some days it's very hard to pretend everything is ok.

You know what though, I don't mind feeling pain. It makes me feel alive. Being able to FEEL is amazing. Even if what you feel is pain or sadness!

The reason I'm saying this is:
after puberty I have been experiencing periods of time when I was so numb, I couldn't feel anything, positive or negative. After very emotionally charged events, I could go numb for months at a time, and nothing could wake me up, nothing could shake off that numbness. I used to feel good about it, because I could not feel any pain anymore, but the bad thing about it is that I couldn't feel anything nice either. It was like I had no emotions whatsoever.

Of course this was a form of slight depression and yes, I got psychological support, I was seeing a therapist for 4 years on and off. But I never got any medication. I am against it. Being a psychologist myself, I have never seen people get better from depression (or anything else for that matter) with medication. I know, I know, it's all in our brain's chemistry, but still I do not recommend medication. That's just my personal professional opinion. It doesn't mean it's right.

To get back on topic, therapy helped me a little bit to realize what was going on. The whys and the hows of my inner self. Things I didn't or couldn't see about me. After that, it was easier. I learned that this numbness is part of my personality, it's part of me. It's how I try to deal with very hurtful things subconsciously. I embraced it, even though sometimes I hated it.
Embracing yourself with all the good & the bad stuff, is a huge step for everyone. But it's the only way we can move forward. We need to love ourselves, knowing nobody's perfect, because if we don't love ourselves first, nobody else will. If we're not the first ones to accept us, for what we are, we can't find the strength to change, and move on and grow as humans.

Anyway, the point is I embrace the emotions, good & bad, and I consider myself blessed that I can feel them.
Don't take anything for granted people, 'cause life can surprise you :/

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

twitter!!!

My boyfriend insisted on me making a twitter page, just like him, and so there am I, I have a twitter page xD
The link is on the right of the blog, underneath my picture, where all the contact info is :D
Seems a tiny bit interesting though, nothing too special, just another internet thing :/
And if you don't have enough followers, then nobody reads your tweets... so again it's a popularity measure. What I hate about this world :@

Anyway, the rest of the news is that I finished my Lab Report, I am going to submit it tomorrow. I still have 2 essays to do though :/ and the deadline is the 10th of May,  and one of my best friends is coming to visit for 4 days :O and 2 other friends will be in London for business and pleasure, so I have to make time for everyone and everything...
and the essays will be there, haunting my every move :P

Oh the stress.... :(
But the good part is I'll at least go out for a change, instead of spending each day at home, like an old lady.
It's not my fault though that I feel like an old lady! It's certainly not my choice that this fucking master's course is so demanding and the assessments take so much of my time :(

But I won't say more, because I repeat myself, and I hate that :)

I'll get funny pictures now that my friend will be here though, and at least that will be nice!!
:D

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Back in England and sick with a cold

How awful can it get?
I got back in London last Sunday night, my trip was again an ordeal, just like when I was going to Rostov in the begging of April.
But I got through that! And then I had a relatively good week, except for the fact that I had to re-adjust to being alone, and also I felt a cold creeping up since Tuesday! And since Tuesday it's been getting worse and worse daily. Instead of feeling better, I feel like death xD
It started with a weird feeling in the back of my throat, in my tonsils. So I did a little home remedy, you squeeze a lemon and use the juice to gargle the area of the tonsils, and then you spit it out. That kills bacteria and shrinks the tonsils, if they get swollen.
Indeed I felt better for 2 days after that, BUT I got a runny nose!!!! and there is NO lemon remedy for that!! I took some pills that they have here, for sinus relief and stuff, but it didn't help much to stop the cataract of snot that was running for hours on end, even at night (AND I had classes at uni, to which I went to with a huge pack of tissues). Yesterday I was also coughing a bit, and this noon that I woke up (believe me I didn't want to get up, or get out of bed, or move any muscle, but the essays are not going to write themselves, and my deadlines are getting closer and closer) I was coughing like a horse that's about to die. I mean Oh my God that hurt! My chest hurts, my whole body feels like shit, like I got run over by a bus.

The weird thing is that my lips are swollen and my tongue hurts, it has some of that white.... I don't know the word, some of it's little bits are white and that huuuurts :'( but it's not a mouth ulcer, I know about those, but it's not it. Don't make no difference though, cause I still feel like crap!!!! Like a bag of dog crap someone sets on fire on another man's doorstep and then he steps on it. Something like that describes me perfectly right now. ..


I hate the fact that I can't stay in bed, and I have to write essays (It's my fault really, if I had done more during the Easter break, now I wouldn't have to... but what the hell, how writes essays on spring break?? LOL.)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Easter Sunday!!

Normally one should say Happy Easter and stuff, but I'm not Christian, so I really don't care about the stuff. It's only polite though to wish, so I'm gonna :D

Happy Easter, dear readers :D

This year as you know from my previous post, I'm spending my Easter holidays in Russia. And especially today that is very strange, because although Greek and Russian people are both Christian Orthodox, and they shame many traditions,they are still so very different. My family is not religious or very traditional either, but we mostly follow traditions for company's sake. For example, every Great Friday (the Friday before Easter Sunday) people go to church to pray and kneel before Christ, and a small weird monument that every church makes, especially for that day, it's basically a portable Christ, with flowers and stuff, and it symbolizes the death of Christ and the mourning of the people.
Let's see if I can find any Google images to demonstrate it better than my stupid narrative.
Oh, there are quite a few! This is one of the pretty ones, and less tacky. (most of them are really tacky unfortunately).

Anyway, this wooden square thingy that some young people carry around and the others follow, is what happens. Then on the Great Saturday night, they go to church for Christ's Resurrection.

I used to follow these traditions mostly because it was an excuse to dress up, go out and after weird church stuff, to have fun with my friends. We all use to live very close in the same neighborhoods, so it was quite easy :D  And everybody went, just for that, the motivation to do something fun later :P
I bet most of those people were not even religious at the time, or even now :P

But the fact is I have some very nice memories from those things.
The only time I was not in Greece for Easter holidays, was in 2007, because I was on a trip to Germany with my mom. I had a truly wonderful time, it was one of the best trips I've ever done in my life (and I have traveled A LOT, it's something I'm really really proud of).

So today is different as well. I'm not eating the usual food, the Easter Sunday traditional Greek food (that I love, by the way), but it's not bad, I don't mind. We ate Borsh, which is a delicious Russian traditional soup, and my boyfriend's aunt is a fantastic cook :D

I got a bit reminiscential (?) today, remembering all the other Easters I've had, all my close friends, all the fun and relaxed times we've had :) 
This year is very different for my anyway, with all the changes and everything, so I didn't really expect for other things to be the same, and it's fine. I'm relaxing, and that's all that matters :)  

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Is Vlog the new Blog???

Is actually Vlogging replacing blogging???

I mean, I keep seeing more and more Vloggers, and their short or long videos seem very interesting to me, and they are less and less bloggers out there, and most of them shouldn't even have a blog. But that's another topic and you can read my opinion here.

I have been following people on YouTube, and it's been fun :)) actually seeing their lives up-close, is so much better than reading about them!! So much more.....realistic and... well I like it more xD
I would like to have a little vlog myself, but I am a bit camera shy, and I can't find motivation to do it :/
I have uploaded some videos on YouTube though, and they are bits and pieces of my life, and it's kinda funny and I'm glad I did it :D

Anyone who is interested in randomness can enter my channel and see my videos  here.

Plus, I have been thinking that maybe this blog needs a different look, like a change in the background, maybe different fonts, etc etc, I don't know, I haven't had time to look into that to be honest, so tell me what you guys think!!
And another question, should I try to make more videos?? Not an actual vlog, but a small effort to bring a bit of fun in my life and others as well.

I guess it would be easier if I had a larger `udience, like those Vlogging people seem to have, but that's alright, I was taught to appreciate what I have :D so I'll go with that!! (=you guys).

And last, I always hated advertising myself everywhere, like posting on facebook stuff from my blog, or youtube, or generally asking people to watch my videos, subscribe, comment, blahblahblah, but that's all those people do, and it seems to work! I was always annoyed by it, but dear lord, it's effective!!!
:S

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter vacation in Russia!

Hello my dear readers :D

First I would like to apologize because I haven't uploaded anything for almost a month or so, and that's just not cool. There are reasons for that though.

I am currently in the middle of my Easter vacation from uni, and I am again in Rostov-on-Don, visiting my boyfriend. I had 3 weeks off from uni, so I am going to spend them all here :)

The reasons why I haven't written anything for this long on my blog, (although sometimes I was greatly inspired) was mainly because I had no time, with important essays for uni, deadlines, etc, etc and because on the few occasions that I had a tiny bit of time to write, I felt stuck and stressed and I didn't want to sit my ass down and write anything.

I don't feel that I have a right to complain about life blah blah blah and how unfair and bad it is for me right now, blah blah blah, it's just that I haven't been feeling ok for a long time, and my current life is NOT at all something I enjoy living.

Let me explain in a small paragraph, just so you can understand a little bit more about me:

I am a 24 year-old girl (I don't fell like a "woman" yet, I feel more as a girl, and I don't find anything wrong with that....yet.), I am from Athens, capital of Greece, where I have lived all my life. Last September I moved to Kingston Upon Thames, London, to study for my masters degree in Psychology. I have left my home behind, my parents, my cat, my friends, everything. My boyfriend also moved to Russia, (in Rostov, where I am right now: read above).
My problem therefore is that I feel torn. I feel like my life had been smashed to a million pieces, covering all Europe, and gone with the wind. LOL, how poetic that was. But strangely it shows completely how I feel.

It feels like I'm living a surreal dream and I'm going to wake up any minute, but I don't, and the dream keeps evolving. I don't like my life right now, because I am far from anything familiar, anything that makes sense, anything that makes me feel good and safe.

People said the usual: "oh, come on, it's just for 1 year, it's gonna be fine, you're gonna come back and it's gonna be like you never left", blah blah blah. Only that's it's not. It's not, because I don't know if I'm coming back. Or when I'm coming back. The situation in Greece right now is far from good, I'll probably be unemployed, IF the ministry of education accepts my masters' degree anyway. But still, jobs are very hard to find, everything has gotten so expensive, and I can't be a young student anymore, like I was for the past few years. Protected from unemployment, from responsibilities, from debts, from bills, from the ugly side of life.
Now I have to be an adult, in a country that's going to hell like a train wreck.
My parents told me to stay in England, at least here there are a few jobs available, it may not be awesome, but at least it's a living. Of some sorts. And that means that I need to find a room in a shared house again because I can't afford to pay rent for a studio, and also that I need to find a job, and also, that I can't go back home.
I wouldn't mind so much on one hand, it's not that I love Greece, I never did. But I love my house, and I love my cat, and I miss everything. I miss my previous life. I don't like this rat race that I'm living now. Things are not normal, they are not stable, there are not certain. They are unstable, vague, uncertain, and this is how my future seems :( And I hate it :(
 I try to build little routines that keep me going, that keep me sane. Having little routines helps a lot. I never knew; I hated routines, I hated planning, all that crap. And now, as I'm growing older, I NEED them to stay calm, to stay free of panic attacks, I hold on to them, tooth and nail, just to get me through the day, the week, the month.

And always, new challenges appear :( New obstacles, new chores, new things I have to overcome, just to survive!!!

I feel so tired, like I'm stuck in a rut, like I'm stumbling around in a dark room, trying to figure things out, and it  feels impossible.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to last year. I would have done things differently, I would have decided things differently. But then again, some say, change is inevitable. And things can't stay the same forever, no matter how hard you try, they are still going to change.

Oh my, I started by a small paragraph, and ended up with a novel. LOL.
Ok, well, I have research to do now for one of my essays anyway, so I'll write another post soon.

(I had nothing to write about my vacation right now anyway, I pretty much stay in the house, watching movies and relaxing).
 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Goth community rant?

For a few days now I have been thinking of writing about the goth community (global) and certain stuff that I would like to get off my chest.
The problem is my threatening deadlines and the fact that I should be writing reports and essays instead of blogging about random stuff that nobody's life depends on them...

So, just a head's up,  there WILL be a nice lengthy rant about the goth community and other goth related things, as well as general subculture things. It's just that I need TIME for many things right now in my life, and I don't really have it, so the less important things will have to wait a little bit.

Also, I have been watching my stats lately, and I must say I am very impressed, I have readers from many countries far away that I never thought possible! Like Brazil, India, Russia and Australia!!
Residents in those countries, thank you very much for reading me, it's an honor to have people for all over the world that find me interesting :)
<3

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Contemporary Vampire Films. Hmm...

I have a bone to pick with a few films, and that's why I'm posting this.
I know I haven't written anything other than personal thoughts and sad rants here for a while, and I think this is definitely worth the effort.

So let's take things step by step.

First I'd like to say that I am a huge cinema & literature fan. I have watched many films, from many different genres and I have read many books, classic and modern literature of many genres. Therefore let's assume for a minute for argument's sake that I have a broad perspective and knowledge (since I've spent all my childhood and teenage years as a fucking pathetic bookworm).

Second, I am a huge vampire fan, and a fan of the supernatural as well. Although I don't go off in the woods at night trying to find ghosts, ufo's, werewolves, and I don't pray a vampire falls in love with me and bites me and lives happily ever after with me, I still love films & literature related to supernatural. It's not the only thing I love, but it's one of my favorites. (Disclaimer: I am NOT a fan of Twilight. This is important to clarify. When I say vampires, I mean vampires. Not 16year old sparkly fashions. I don't mean to offend anyone, just to make things clear.)


Those things being said, I will try to explain the bone I have to pick with the recent film Underworld:Awakening.

To keep it short, I'll stick to the basics:

Why on earth did they make the vampires so human? Vampires have great strength, speed, stamina, etc etc, that's part of the whole contemporary myth (emphasis on contemporary, people). However in this film, we can see Kate Beckinsale jump and run around, but when she fights, she fights.... moderate. I wanted to say "like a girl" but then I remembered a few scenes (2-3 come to mind) that she's actually descent. But that's it :/ And let's not forget the rest of the vampires, they fight like little girls. Where did the vampire strength go? They are supposed to be able to see perfectly in the dark, hear everything, they don't have to breathe, etc etc etc, but NO in this film, they are like a bunch of scared kids with guns. Useless and pathetic. I don't know if everyone has already watched this, so I can't say specifically WHERE those inconsistencies are, because well, SPOILER. But if you've watched it, I guess (and pray) you have noticed it too.
Basically what my problem is that the writers should have considered what it means to have vampires in your movie. It's not regular folks, it's vampires godammit, ancient blood thirsty creatures  that can and will rip your chest open just for the thrill of it. THAT'S  what the movie was lacking. The vampire touch.

Other than that, it was ok.
I dare to say that I expected more though.
It is disappointing to look back to films like "Underworld I", "Blade I", even "Dracula 2000", and although there didn't have the great special effects, the technology we have now, they were not about the original story of vampires like Nosferatu, Count Dracula, blah blah blah, they still had that SOMETHING, that essence of the vampire. Their atmosphere had that melancholy, that little extra, that makes you remember a movie forever, and it doesn't matter how old it is, because every time you see it, it's like seeing it for the first time.

I know people might not agree with me, and it's fine. I'm not saying that my opinion is the right one, it may not be. It's just my opinion, it's the way I feel about this film, and about other films as well. This post is dedicated to Underworld:awakening though, but I am thinking of doing more posts in the future about every film, book, genre, or subculture that I like or dislike.
It might be interesting!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Update about the positive stuff in life

Hello everyone :)

This past week has been fairly bad for me, but it's looking better, and the weather is fantastic, so I thought to post an update about stuff here.
I got so inspired by the sunshine, and said what the heck, lets do it. (But I won't make a habit of it lol so don't worry).

First of all, let me give you the link to my Facebook profile, in case somebody want's to befriend me, to talk more often. But beware, I regularly don't add strangers, so send me a message to say that you are a reader of my blog.  So here I am. I think I will also put that link somewhere in the description box here or in my profile here as well. And my link to my YouTube channel, not that it has anything awesome, but it has funny videos and I am going to upload a slideshow I am making with pictures of my past (happy stuff). So here it is as well.
The update I was talking about was mostly to write the nice things that happened this week.
I bought a new jewelry for my labret piercing. I wanted to stretch it out a little bit. It was 1.2 (because when I first had the piercing, we didn't want to go for something bold, because I am a girl, and I'm supposed to look pretty). But now I wanted to go bolder, so I wanted a 1.6, to match my septum piercing.
So I went to the tattoo salon of my neighborhood, and bought a new one.
Here is a picture for those of you that won't understand what I'm talking about:


This is a labret piercing. (THIS IS NOT ME IN THIS PICTURE, IT'S DOWNLOADED FROM GOOGLE.)




The jewelry I bought looks like this, like a little horse shoe, like we say back in my country:  


So yeah, now I 'm very happy about it, I have 2 matching jewelries nose+mouth, and they are massive :D

Something more important, my parents came to visit me. They stayed in Kingston from Monday afternoon until Friday night. We had fun, we went out a lot, for food, drinks, strolling around and taking pictures. We went to Camden market and Leicester square. We went to this shop, "Forbidden Planet" one of my favorites as a geek, and my parents bought all kinds of stuff, comics, books, and little souvenirs and I bought a t-shirt from True Blood, one that says "I'm a fangbanger, Bite me." LOL. I totally hate this tv series, like I've said here before, but I love the books. So it's an addiction to actually watch the episodes and the nag all about how awful they are. I just can't stop!
I also decided that from now on I will only buy t-shirts with cool logos on them, from bands, or tv series and movies I love. No more regular clothes.
That's a weird statement, considering I am a goth, so why would I have "normal" clothes, lol? But I do have some that I've bought from chain stores, and they're cheap and handy. I will continue to buy them (only in black of course) and everything else I need is going to be really special :)

On a different note, the weather these days was peculiar. It's bad one day, great the next. Now it's been 3 days in a row full with sunshine and it's amazing. You can smell spring coming :)
I took  few (bad quality pictures) with my mobile phone's camera, of the sky and the river and I uploaded them on Facebook (as always), so you can find them there if you want to take a peek.

I also changed a few things in my room again, and I moved the curtains to the other side of the window (there were supposed to be fixed on one side), and now I can sit on the other side of my bay window as well :) which is very nice, because I can see a different view now!
The only good thing about this room is the space and the window. It's a large room, and it has an equally large bay window were I can climb and sit and look out and daydream for hours....
this is kinda how it looks from the inside, but again THIS IS NOT MY PICTURE, IT'S DOWNLOADED FROM GOOGLE.


Today I woke up with a sore throat, and I don't feel so well, I hope I don't get sick :( I had an important deadline on Wednesday and I need to write and study, so I can't really afford to get sick right now :( 

That's all for now, back to my hot tea (although I can feel the sickness approaching me not matter what) and back to my ethics application for my dissertation...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Waiting for the things that never come (and Valentine's day rant)



Today was Valentine's Day. Big surprise.

I spent the day studying, reading in general, doing stuff on the internet, had a class at uni, cooked pasta with cheese sauce, did my laundry. That's about it.

I miss last year's valentine's day, just a little bit.
It was something nice, in a way I've never experienced before.

Of course this year it's totally different. I am all alone.
And everything seems fake. Everything seems so fake and pretentious and stupid, that scares me.

For some weird ironic reason, no matter how good or bad things in my life are, I can only experience nice things only once. After that, it's all gone. I try to understand why this happens, but I can't seem to find an answer anywhere.
Cute surprises and gifts only happen once. Love, comfort, only happens for a while. Dreams only last for a while, before they crumble under the weight of reality and other priorities people have in their lives.

Yeah I know, this is turning into a rant again, but I couldn't care less.
You can always stop reading, if you haven't already.
I find this blog really cathartic for my thoughts. That is why I have turned it into a kind of online dairy. Not that  I'm ashamed of anything- I get 10 hits per day, if it's a good day. And most of them are about an old post about Betty Crooker recipes for cookies. Jesus.....
So I'm not worried who reads my private thoughts.

So, inspired by the gloomy sadness this day brought, the sad remembrance of what was, and was will never be, we can only drink our sorrows away, and rant in the sad candle light. Yes, I do have candles lit right now, on my desk, next to my laptop.
Speaking of drinking, I have a great cider downstairs in the fridge. I'm gonna go get it.

I'm back.

I haven't drank this for a while, I had forgotten how it tastes. (Kopparberg cider, with strawberry and lime).
Why not? Class doesn't start until 2 pm tomorrow anyway... And the night it still very young.

Anyway, thinking about my sad life and things that only happen once, etc etc, other stuff pop in mind as well. Unpleasant memories of my once glorious past.
And I keep wondering how many mistakes I've made.
And I keep wondering how many more I will do in the future.
And I keep go back and forth in my head, and all I have is questions and sadness. No answers anywhere. Not even from the people that I thought were so much better than this.
Because like I said, nice things only happen once in my life. And then never again. And I'm left with the pain and the questions, and then everything turns to numbness and I don't care about anything and anyone, not even myself, and I hate everything.


Sometimes it feels like all I have left is pictures, videos, my memories.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Missing my hobbies and activities

It's strange when one day you suddenly realize you are not doing anything at all, just watch movies and tv series online, and study, and stare out the window, and daydream.

Damn it, when did it come to this?

I used to be so creative! I used to have so many creative hobbies, and I used to do so many things at home!!

I loved alternative decorating my flat, cooking stuff, sewing, altering clothes and accessories, doing fabulous make up, and other related stuff.. Now I don't do anything :/  My free time is limited, and my money is limited as well. So no more expensive hobbies for me...
I found some really cheap shops though, with the help from a friend, and now I feel a tiny bit better for myself.
I may start doing a few more things, try to find myself again, somewhere lost in the everyday routine of crap....

I am really amazed at how I realized that I felt suffocated because I couldn't be as creative as I was. It felt really exhilarating the fact that I can now see what was wrong with these past months, and how I can correct it just by adding creativity back into my life, that misses it so much.

Now I'm off to the kitchen to eat some rice yogurt with cinnamon! :D

Thursday, February 9, 2012

#91, #21, #26, #43 achieved!

By now most of you must have forgotten all about that book that made me start this blog.
So let's take a short journey back in time, in 2010.
I started this blog because of this book: "101 things to do before you are old and boring.". Hence the name of my blog. One of the things to do was to start my own blog. Hence the blog itself.

Anyway, back to the present.
Number 91 was to send a valentine's card. Last year's valentine's day was a sweet surprise :) I did not expect anything at all to happen, since I always hated that day. But my boyfriend (who is still with me to this day), showed up at my house, with roses, candy and presents. Needless to say his sweet surprise was the most amazing and sweet thing anyone has ever done to me. <3 I really appreciate how he takes care of me :) Who wouldn't?? :D

Since this year unfortunately we can't spend this day together because of the distance, the least I could do was sent something. I asked him but he refused, because he thinks the post office in his country doesn't work, and things might get lost. So my only option is to send something via internet, that surely can't get lost (let's hope). So an e-card was the best option, although I would prefer to have designed it myself, but my downloaded photoshop has refused to cooperate. So pre-designed ecards it is.


Now, about number 21, to sleep all day,
well, to my shame, I have done this several times these past few years.
Being a university student does that to you :p those who are, know what I'm talking about!! The most recent time though, was during my vacation in Russia. For a few days I was awake at night, and asleep all day.

Moving on!
Number 26 is to help save the planet.
I may not be in a group, like greenpeace or something, but I do my little bit to help, the best I can.
Recycling, turning the lights off, using public transportation, not wasting water or food.

Number 43 is to do something charitable.
I have given clothes to charity in the past 2 years, I have also helped people in need of legal information, food, clothing, etc., and have donated money for people in need of lawyer in prisons.
Plus, I give all my spare change to charity almost everyday at uni, at the donation boxes. Recently I donated a larger amount of money for the seals in Antarctica.


there you go, the latest achievements I've made!
that silly book seems endless........

Saturday, January 28, 2012

leaving Russia

I'm flying at 15:25 today.

I don't want to go. I really don't. Deep down, (and not deep at all) I wish I never had to go.

I had a great time, even better than Christmas holidays when I went back home to Athens. Why, someone might ask. Because I had no stupid college stuff in my head to stress me out, no parents, no friends, no actual responsibilities to do. Most importantly because I spent time with the person I love, and it was just the 2 of us.

Just the 2 of us, in a small, very warm apartment in Rostov-on-Don, with only 3 rooms, but with so much love and fun. Outside it was -10 to -17 on any given day, and he also had to study for 2 exams, but none of that mattered.
It's just the 2 of us, like we are the only people in this fucking awful world.


I packed my bag again, and I'm ready for a long journey back to Kingston.
Back to being lonely everyday, back to doing everything alone, everyday.

It's a horrible thing the long-distance relationship, but for now it's all we got. And it's killing me, it's eating my heart, it's ripping it out of my chest and tearing it apart.

Words are not enough to describe it.....



(song of the day: "9Crimes" -true blood version- by Damien Rice)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

facebook and my views per day.....

So I write a ridiculous post that includes big hit words, and I post it on fucking Facebook, and I get 40 views in one day, just on that post. Then next days I just get 2 views, maximum, and on unrelated posts. Dafuq???

What the hell is wrong with people? Are they so bored to keep on reading the other posts??? Am I so boring?? Is what I write about that boring??? Bitch please, I've seen what other people write, and even the people that were on the Blogs of Note here on blogger, and it's boring crap, I don't even scroll down my page!!!! And note that I am a person who enjoys new things, new blogs, new experiences, new  stuff in general, and not even I can bear them.

And that's what you get with other really popular blogs:


  • Blogs about artistic pictures (not very good actually, not very artistic, not something worth your precious time) from trips around the globe. 



  • Blogs about food, very expensive and chef-like quality food (pictures OF COURSE). Who the hell cares about that. A lot of people apparently. PLUS, how to cook in a very small kitchen. Yes, you read it right. I would actually post the link for all these ridiculous blogs, but I'm not mean, and I wouldn't enjoy an argument with their creators. After all, everyone has a right to write stupid stuff and be popular at the same time. I'm glad for them, and sorry for me at the same time.  



  • Blogs about your next door neighbor, who is an 85year old lady with 2 gran kids, who wants to redecorate her attic. Seriously now? you are interested in that????



  • Blogs about winter and the outdoors, and how to google forest animals. Yes. Believe it. 



  • Blogs of proud parents about their kids... there's like a million of those blogs.... and there are all the same. Unfortunately none of those kids is special enough to have a blog dedicated to it's daily endeavors.  Sorry parents, but it's the sad truth. 

And more stuff like that..... 

So anyway, seems there's nothing I can do to. I've trying asking questions at the end of my posts, to stimulate reader's communication and interaction. It didn't work. 
I've tried posting links for more popular internet personas that I find very interesting and inspiring. It didn't work. 
I've posted on Facebook and it worked for 1-2 days, for that 1 post and then nothing. 

I've commented on other people's blogs. Didn't work. 

I really don't know what else to do. 

Any ideas???

Saturday, January 14, 2012

the world is not enough

Have you ever felt that you are locked in a life, in a situation, in a bad dream that feels like a bad dream but is actually reality?? And you are drowning,unable to escape, suffocating.

Have you ever felt that you could fix everything and everyone in this world but yourself?

And how do you defeat the devil, if the devil is you?

Now that's a question I'd like to have answered!


My days pass in anxiety and fear, lately. The strain from all the studying and writing for my college course, is starting to show. And it's not good.
I am afraid of so many things, it's ridiculous.
I'm battling with anxiety attacks daily, multiple times per day! They haven't won this time, and I hope they won't. I pray to the Gods that they won't, and I'll have them under control and I'll be "fine". You know, the fake smile with all the pain and frustration hidden so well underneath.

It is so easy to lose control and fuck up everything. Just a few words would do the trick. A few decisions and then a few words...


What I really want these days is to go back home. To go back to what is familiar. Familiar, loving, warm, fun, just my old everyday life. I would be so happy to go back to that.

I feel so confused, paralyzed and empty. And that scares me to death.
Why can't my head just be clear? Why can't it be simple??

No, nothing in my life ever was simple I guess. But still, it would have been nice, for a change....

Times likes these, there are 2 songs that come to mind..
The first one is the title of this post, "the world is not enough"by Garbage. It really paints the picture how I feel I do not belong anywhere and my home is nowhere. At least nowhere I can go :(
The second one is "what you want" by evanescence.
The lyrics are painfully accurate.

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control.  
Hello, hello, it's only me,
infecting everything you love"...   just how my mind seems to be operating against me.

   

Friday, January 6, 2012

A beer for the shower

Getting inspired from "A beer for the shower" last blog post, I decided to look at my stats to see how many hits I have from search machines and with what key words.

Very disturbing results!!!
The referring sites were mostly Google.com, com.hu, .com.ar,   and  domar.ru  so that's normal, but the disturbing thing is the search keywords my reader used and bumped into my blog. 1st keyword with most hits, "my tits". WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?!?!??!!!! Who searches on Google for "my tits" and finds my blog, and WHY???? There is nothing on my blog about tits! (I think..). But still, who does that?? God, human stupidity is infinite. Like Einstain said.

Anyway, the most important lesson of today's exploration, besides "my tits", is the fact that I need to get more hits from the search engines, and  great way to do that is by simply mentioning stuff and people. And let's hope for the best!

It's not the popularity that I'm after, or the numbers. It's just nice to feel that someone reads what I write and I'm not alone out there, in this awful cold world. It's nice to feel that communication :))))

So please comment :P 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

First post of the year!

and I'm back in Kingston :/
After a good time in Athens for the holidays, now I came back here 'cause you can never escape uni :P

I realized that home is over there. It took me a few days to relax and to feel at home again, but I did. And so it hurt again when I left. I got use to Athens again, I got used to my house and my familiar surroundings, my cat, my friends, and my sweet boyfriend being around, and I had to give everything up again, to come here :/ it sucks.

One other thing that sucks is easyjet and their 20kg baggage allowance. God damn it, I had 23.8 kg when I came back to London, so I had to pay overweight. I'm still so mad about that....
And plus, I wish that the first time I moved here in September, I had brought less clothes and more stuff. Like my oil burners, some pictures to hang on the wall, etc. I did bring a few things though, lets not be so strict. I brought a few things that my boyfriend and I made for each other and some stuff that will remind us of the good times. But you can never have enough. I would like some other stuff though, some pictures from my younger years, with friends, and some decorations that I have at the house in Athens, just to make this room more happy and familiar and more like a safe place than a prison.