Sunday, December 18, 2011

Where Is Home??? :(

I got back home on Friday night.
It felt so weird, and it still does.
Up untill last Monday, I was so excited to come home, and after that I was just overwhelmed and stressed out.
But I just shut up and made my bags, and got on that damn plane, and got home.
My parents came to the airport to pick me up, which was nice :)
When I got into my house, it was like walking into a strange place. It felt so cold, so strange, so.. not my home. I have no idea why I felt like that. And then I felt guilty about that. I wanted to feel happy, I wanted to feel warm and nice and homy, and like nothing has changed. But instead I felt weird and cold.

I hate this.
I hate my new life.
I don't know where home is anymore.
Is home here?
Is home back in Kingston?
Where the hell is home now? :'(

I'm scared of my own sad and detached self.
I'm scared of the fact that I have to go back, and feel good about it again.
I'm scared of the amount of uni work I have to do during the holidays, and how the hell am I going to see my friends in the meantime?
I'm scared of my relationship with my boyfriend.
I'm scared it might change, or it might have already changed.
I'm scared of how sometimes my mind just gets out of control, and my feelings get confused, and I haven't done anything at all to make this shit happen..  how one day I have everything figured out and the next day it's all a big fucking unsure mess in my fucking head.
I'm scared of how I feel now.
I'm scared of how he feels now.
I'm scared of my future, both work and love related.
I'm just so tired of feeling empty and cut in half.
So tired and so sad.

I don't know if there in an answer to all of the above, I'm not sure there even is a question!
What I said in my previous posts is that we can never know the future, and it is true. And I shouldn't be trying to predict anything in my head, because it's pointless anyway. But why do I still do it then?

Some days, it's just unbearable.
Some days I just want to give up.
Some days it's just not worth it anymore.

No comments: