Friday, December 30, 2011


It's my birthday today :D
I'm gonna throw a big party :)) pictures are gonna be in my FB page, as always :)))
and to be honest this uploader here in blogger, is really not convenient at all :/ I don't know, I just hate the damn thing LOL

Also, the dreads are awesome, many many thanks to Dollylox Dreads in the UK that made them for me :)))
(I also look awesome in them xD )

Songs of today are so far:
The Prodigy- take me to the hospital  and
Aesthetic Perfection- the siren .
We'll see what else I'll have on my list later on :D

P.S. I'm turning 24 LOL I'M GETTING OLD GODAMMIT!!!!

P.S. 2  I made it! I got over the 25posts barrier of last year!!! YES!!!! I've written more posts this year!!!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Where Is Home??? :(

I got back home on Friday night.
It felt so weird, and it still does.
Up untill last Monday, I was so excited to come home, and after that I was just overwhelmed and stressed out.
But I just shut up and made my bags, and got on that damn plane, and got home.
My parents came to the airport to pick me up, which was nice :)
When I got into my house, it was like walking into a strange place. It felt so cold, so strange, so.. not my home. I have no idea why I felt like that. And then I felt guilty about that. I wanted to feel happy, I wanted to feel warm and nice and homy, and like nothing has changed. But instead I felt weird and cold.

I hate this.
I hate my new life.
I don't know where home is anymore.
Is home here?
Is home back in Kingston?
Where the hell is home now? :'(

I'm scared of my own sad and detached self.
I'm scared of the fact that I have to go back, and feel good about it again.
I'm scared of the amount of uni work I have to do during the holidays, and how the hell am I going to see my friends in the meantime?
I'm scared of my relationship with my boyfriend.
I'm scared it might change, or it might have already changed.
I'm scared of how sometimes my mind just gets out of control, and my feelings get confused, and I haven't done anything at all to make this shit happen..  how one day I have everything figured out and the next day it's all a big fucking unsure mess in my fucking head.
I'm scared of how I feel now.
I'm scared of how he feels now.
I'm scared of my future, both work and love related.
I'm just so tired of feeling empty and cut in half.
So tired and so sad.

I don't know if there in an answer to all of the above, I'm not sure there even is a question!
What I said in my previous posts is that we can never know the future, and it is true. And I shouldn't be trying to predict anything in my head, because it's pointless anyway. But why do I still do it then?

Some days, it's just unbearable.
Some days I just want to give up.
Some days it's just not worth it anymore.

New dreads on my head!!!

 Finally I have synthetic dreadlocks installed in my hair <3 that's just awesome!!! :)))
I got them handmade (and custom made of course), and they are really really pretty. I will post pictures later, because now, believe it or not, I don't have any..
It took so long to have them braided in, because the hairdresser really took her time with me LOL and it would have been an hour normally, but it took her nearly three. And it was totally irritating me, but I was patient, and I got through it..

Anyway, I have a couple things to write about today, but they are on VERY different subjects, so I'll finish this post, and I'll write another one (or 2), just to make them relevant and coherent. Otherwise they'll be one huge rant that doesn't make sense...

So Dreads it is, for this post, and pics ill be added later :D

Sunday, December 4, 2011

bittersweet moments before Christmas

One of my housemates was listening to this song this afternoon.

It was so nice, I could hear it behind his closed door, as I was going downstairs to the kitchen to wash some of my dishes and forks, etc. 

It kinda made me think that not all things in my life are miserable, that it's actually not so bad here, and I just feel lonely because I don't have my significant other to share things with. I think life would be so much better if  we were together here. We would be able to do so many things, we would have fun and I could enjoy the simple everyday things that are so nice in life, that I can't enjoy now...

But the thing is that I have to be positive, I have to focus on the good stuff, on the future. That's the funny thing about the future, you NEVER now what it will bring. You may think it's going to be great, but it may turn out to be totally different from what you expected and shitty. You may think it's gonna be dreadful and painful, but it may surprise you in the most awesome ways and make you happy. 
That's why I never make plans that far ahead anymore, cause you really can't know :) And I don't like to get caught in situations that I may want to get out of eventually :)) 
I don't know if it's good or bad, or really dysfunctional, but that's what I do and how I think.
I hope I'm not develloping any commitment issues or whatever.. oh crap, I have to look into that xD 

Anyway, and since I was talking about the future, and stuff like that, this song came to mind: 

One of my all-time favorite singers/composers ever. 

That's all for today :P