Friday, September 30, 2011

Losing myself??

I have recently started a new life, (nothing to do about it) and it's a scary new life that I really regret having to go through all by myself. (but there's nothing to do about that either.)
I discovered that I was slowly changing to someone else. maybe all this fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc, made me feel so weird like I had to be "normal" to survive in this new environment. The new environment being a borough of London, this seems a little strange.....


I mean, you would think that here, in London, I wouldn't feel out of place, but crazy little me, feels like a fish out of the water....

STRANGE isn't it???

I have made a few acquaintances, and maybe 1 or 2 people I can call friends, and I'm really happy about that ^_^
Now I can go out for walks and shopping and coffee and stuff like that :D

Friday, September 16, 2011

big questions in life, come in awkward moments

Has it ever happened to you, to have all this mindblowing inspiration, when you can't really do anything about it at the moment???
Unfortunatelly it happens to me all the time. I might be on the bus, or in the shower, or crossing the bridge near my hotel, or watching something on my laptop.
And at that minute I could write a million things... but there's nowhere to write them on. And when I have free time to write them here, they're all gone from my mind... I can remember half of it, but it's not worth it.... I'm so frustrated by that time, that I can't write anything.. the inspiration is gone! 

The same thing happens to me when I think about big questions, like how I want to live my life, if that's what I'll want "for ever", what is actually worth in life for me, how can I improve myself, what kind of person do I want to become, how I want to behave.. How and where will I be in the next 3 years?? and after that???
All these questions roam in my head and sometimes they are quiet, but sometimes they are so loud, deafening... 
I think that these questions are beginning to find little answers in my mind, but only time can tell if they are actually going to be true.........

How about you my readers? when do you find inspiration? and when do you lose it? and what are the big questions in your heads????

Alone time....

I've been living in a hotel for the past two weeks... It feels like forever.... But lets take things from the beginning!

I was supposed to move to Kingston Upon Thames (UK) for a master's degree, on psychology.
And so I did. I left home, to pursue my dream of becoming a psychologist, finally..
I came to Kingston with my mum, she wanted to help me with all my stuff, my luggage, etc.
So we booked a hotel for 10 days, in order to househunt for a house (to share with other students) or a room (to share with a family, something a lot of people do here). Anyway, after a lot of NO's and a lot of laughing behind our backs from estate agents, we got squat. And then something crazy happend, and I found a place! To keep the story short, we couldn't move in right away, so I had to stay more days at the hotel. Thankfully they had a single room, although they were fully booked. But I can stay here until Sunday, when I move in the new place :)
I'll have to live there for a year. My masters is a year long, but I think I'll need to stay longer, to get my license and to register with the british psyclological society. I like the house though :p

My mum flew back home yesterday, and I've been alone since that. It feels a bit awkward, but I think I'm fine. At least now I can get some quiet time!

I meet new people everyday, and I like that, but sometimes it seems I'm using all my energy just to seem nice and calm and agreable. And I don't like that. All this stress, all the presure of doing everything right, finding a place, finding roommates, etc, it has taken it's toll on me. I feel spent and lonely.
My lovely boyfriend isn't with me, he is back home in Russia, studying (to be a psychologist too, what an irony). I miss him so much, it's insane. Everything I see and feel, I'd like to share it with him. But we are so far from eachother..
These days I feel like I can't even help myself, much rather the others :/  It feels impossible to get out of  bed each morning. I hate the fact that I kinda like it here and can only feel half of it, because he isn't with me here...

(Danni and Kyrill, 3-3-2011, at a close friend's house)