Monday, August 15, 2011

A place in the dirt

A Marilyn Manson song, and my mood tonight.

I am afraid that everything is temporary. At least all the important things, like love for example. Is love important? I think it is, since it makes me so miserable. I wish it wasn't such a big deal and we could all live much better without it. But anyway.

People and emotions in my life have proven to be temporary.
I am being loved temporarily. So I love them temporarily too.
They think about me temporarily.
They want me temporarily.
They are temporarily in love with me, or not at all.
They are sweet and they care about me temporarily.

After that, I'm invisible. Like a ghost. They can feel my presence, but they couldn't care less.
Like a habit, or a furniture- it's always there, in a corner, but who really gives a shit? Not bothering enough to throw it away. It doen't take much space anyway, so why even bother??

"Forever" does not apply to me. Is that good or bad? I used to think both, now I'm not sure. I'd sure like forever, but it's a utopia. There is no "forever" in my life, there is only "for a while". Sooner or later. That kind of thing. That makes me feel so small, so little, so insignificant, unimportant.
Every one is just talk talk talk. All talk and nothing else. They tell you what you want to hear, and then they use you. Use you untill they feel better about themselves, untill they lift their self-esteem above the ground, and when they've had enough, when they are bored of you because they've sucked you dry (and not in a sexual way), they leave you. They leave you alone. With a bunch of feelings, with no answer to all those "why's" that you're gonna ask untill you go insane from sadness.
Oh what a pretty picture!

It's not so dramatic every time, I guess you kinda get used to it a bit. So you expect it to happen, and you're prepared. As much as a person can be :/   I'm not really. I've seen the same things happen to me a few times, and now I'm expecting them to happen all over again, but I know that it'll hurt like hell again. I can't stop feeling, and that's the only way if you don't want to get hurt. But you can't really live like this either. It's not human not to feel.

Or is it?? A few years ago I've asked a question to some of my best friends, just to see what they think about this. I asked them if they would prefer to love and be loved and then have their hearts broken eventually, or to never having loved, but spend their life in short term relationships, dates and one night stands.
To my dreadfull surprise they all said they would prefer true love even if it kills them, because what is life worth if you have never loved??? Girlfriend please, I can find so many productive things to do, so life can be worth a lot, even without love!

Maybe I'm just angry at myself, for thinking too much, feeling too much, wanting too much, when people are just living the moment and nothing more.

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